


Black Dog

by veryveryverytemporarily



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Aaron Dingle, Vulnerable Robert Sugden
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 11:39:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 80,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5204447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veryveryverytemporarily/pseuds/veryveryverytemporarily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU set after Robert gets shot in 2015. Aaron is trying to move on, but when Robert falls into depression that needs hospital treatment can Aaron stay away? And what happens when Robert is convicted to a long sentence in prison?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Robert shows signs of becoming depressed and Victoria worries about him.

Victoria was the first to notice something was up.

‘You haven’t eaten your breakfast, Robert.’

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘I got you the newspaper.’

‘Thanks’

But Robert didn’t glance at it. Instead he looked out the window at the January rain.

Later, when she got home from work, Robert was still in his pajamas.

‘Well, you lazy git. That’s a nice way to live! Wish I could spend my day in pajamas for once.’

‘Yeah, well,’ Robert answered. ‘Can’t all have my good fortune, can we?’

When Adam got home, Robert went to his room.

‘You don’t have to disappear you know,’ Victoria said, with a hand on his arm.

‘I don’t want to intrude. And Adam talks such a lot of crap most of the time.’

‘Charming as ever.’

‘Well I’m just being honest.’

 

After a while, Robert stopped getting up for breakfast with Victoria. 

She’d knock on his door. In his room the curtains were thick and closed out the winter morning light, muffling sound. The room needed airing too as a smell of stale sweat hung in the air. Robert’s meds were in bottles on the bedside table with a glass of water and more often than not, a half drunk glass of whiskey.

‘Aren’t you coming down for breakfast with me, Rob? I made us bacon and eggs.’

Robert answered from the dark, his voice thick with sleep.

‘I’ll get something later.’

‘Then I tell you what, it’s your turn to cook us all an evening meal. I’m fed up of running round after you all,’ Vic coaxed.

‘Okay,’ he agreed.

Victoria was totally chuffed when she came home to find he’d made steak pie and mash for them all. They sat at the kitchen table together.

‘This is really good, Robert!’ Adam said. ‘Nice one, mate.’

‘Yeah well, Vic’s not the only one in the family who can cook, you know.’

Adam turned to Victoria.

‘Let’s watch a film later. What do you fancy? Anything but a rom-com.’

‘Thought you were going out for a drink with Aaron tonight,’ she answered.

‘Change of plan. Seems he’s got a new bloke, so he’s on a date isn’t he, the flake.’

Victoria glared at Adam. If looks could kill.

Robert put down his knife and fork.

‘I’m glad for him,’ he said aloud, looking at them both. ‘Anyone want some mustard with this?’

 

Everyday some small change in Robert’s behavior made Vic slightly more concerned. Like the fact that he left the Classic Car magazine she’d bought for him untouched in its cellophane wrapping. When the milk ran out, instead of going to get some from the local shop, he just drank his coffee black, starting it and leaving it lying around so the house was littered with stained mugs and coffee spills. He wasn’t eating well and then he’d have a rush on sugar. She saw dark rings deepening under his pale eyes, and he stopped shaving, not that you would notice.

‘I’m concerned about Robert,’  she told Diane, ‘I think he’s depressed.’

‘Robert doesn’t get depressed,’ Diane said. ‘That’s more Andy’s thing. Robert’s more likely to get himself into serious trouble through scheming his way into the next century. He’s most likely bored, so watch him. It can be dangerous.’

 

Robert spent longer and longer in the shower in the evenings, but wouldn’t have washed his hair when he came out.  Adam and Vic tried to avoid fighting about it as they listened to the water and watched the meter. At least it gave them some time alone. Vic found some rather dubious magazines featuring male nudes under the sofa, and dumped them in the recycling.

One evening, Aaron turned up with Adam at the cottage.

‘What are you doing here?’  Rob asked Aaron from the sofa when the two of them walked in, looking behind them to see if anyone else was with them.

‘Came round for a game of cards, didn't I? You got a problem with that?’

‘Yes, actually. I shouldn’t have to see you in my home.’

‘Except it isn’t your home. Your just here 'cos your sister feels sorry for you,’ Aaron retaliated.

While he wasn’t about to say anything, Aaron was a bit shocked by the state of Robert; dressed in jogging trousers and a wool jacket, his hair was long and unkempt, and his eyes were ringed with dark circles.

He sighed.

‘Why don’t you join us for a game?’

‘You’re kidding, aren’t you?’  Robert sneered and then left them to it, going upstairs to bed.

 

Eventually, Diane came round.

‘So I’m having a bit of a celebration for my birthday. I want my family there. You are coming aren’t you Robert? You promise me?’

‘Diane, you know I can’t come if Andy’s going to be there.’

‘When are you two going to make peace? But anyway, he can’t come. He’s going with Moira to an agricultural fair in Nottingham. So it’ll be me, Doug, Victoria and Adam, and of course Bernice will be joining us, too. Robert I’m not arguing about this. I want you there. It’ll mean a lot to me.’

 

The evening of the celebration, Robert showered, shaved and put on a good shirt and jeans. Victoria grinned with relief when she saw him.

‘Well, you look nice.’

His hair was ridiculously long, hanging over his collar and face, but washed and soft for a change, it made him look younger. He had to fasten the belt of his jeans on a new notch since he seemed to have lost a few pounds too. He fastened his watch and pulled on his leather jacket.

‘Now you’re talking,’ she said, ‘You look like the old Rob.’

‘I…I don’t want to look like the old Rob,’ he answered her, looking concerned.

‘Alright. I just mean, you look more yourself.’ 

Once at the pub, Diane was thrilled to see them all and they sat at a table together. Robert paid for a couple of bottles of champagne. For Diane’s birthday he’d bought her theater tickets to a show in London. 

‘So what are your plans, now, Robert?’ Doug asked.

‘I…  I don’t … I’m just weighing up some options.’

‘Poor Robert,’ Victoria laughed affectionately. ‘He’s still director of the White’s company on paper, so he’s earning all this money, plus he’s got income from the shares. It must be so difficult not actually needing to work.’

‘Well I’m giving you board and keep at least,’ Robert objected laughing.

A little later on he went to the bathroom.

When he came out he saw Aaron was at the bar, and standing with him was a nice looking lad who looked in his early twenties. He was dark haired and clean shaven, a couple of inches taller than Aaron. They were standing close enough for their arms to brush against each other as they conversed.

Robert closed his eyes and drew in his breath, before pulling himself up and walking past them on his way to sitting back down next to Victoria.

He hadn’t counted on Adam, sitting on the other side of Vic as he called out and greeted Aaron.

‘Hey, you two, good to see you out and about for a change instead of hiding out on your own. How you doing Liam? Are you putting up with Aaron here? ’

As Aaron turned to Adam he saw Robert for the first time, and his smile faded to be replaced by a startled expression. With Robert not going out he hadn’t expected to see him at all. Their eyes met.

Robert tilted his head in acknowledgement and then looked away. Under the table he ran the palms of his hands down the material of his jeans. Diane was saying something and he could hear her voice but not what she was saying. From the corner of his eye he realized that Aaron’s new bloke, was it Liam, Adam had said, was also looking at him. He ran a hand through his stupidly long hair.

Liam was speaking to Aaron. Robert could just catch snippets of their conversation.

‘So that’s Robert, then? He’s, erm, he’s really good looking.’

Robert saw Aaron place a hand on the lad's waist. He had to lean forward suddenly as a feeling of nausea gripped him.

‘Yeah, well. He’s a disaster,’ he heard Aaron say. ‘I don’t want to talk about him.’

‘Sorry Diane. I need to leave.' He stood quickly. ‘Happy Birthday.’

‘Well. Thank you for being here, pet. I really do appreciate it.’

Robert looked at his route out of the pub. He needed to push through the crowd to get to the door, there was no way of avoiding Aaron and his new friend. He set off, but as he was walking past them, someone stepped backwards into Robert so that he lost balance and collided straight onto Aaron. Robert’s hand automatically reached out to Aaron’s arm to steady himself and Aaron reached out and held him for a moment to stop him falling. Robert flinched at his touch and stepped away from Aaron, only to find himself backed into Liam, so that Liam’s hands reached up to his back to stop him.

‘Don’t touch me!’ he said to Liam raising his hands and looking directly at his face. ‘Don’t ever touch me!’

Liam looked confused.

‘Sorry, mate.’

‘I’m not your mate,’ Robert snorted.

‘Sorry!’ Liam stuttered again.

‘Robert go home,’ Aaron warned.

‘I don’t have one anymore,’ Robert replied. ‘Remember?’ And turning, he walked quickly out of the pub.

When Victoria and Adam got home, Robert was sleeping laid out on the sofa, the room was dark and the TV was on mute.

Victoria squeezed his hand, which was icy cold, to wake him.

‘Robert, get to bed,’ she said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert starts to have problems with his sleeping patterns.Victoria insists Robert goes to the doctor for support.

Vic caught Robert on his own the morning after Diane’s birthday celebration.

‘Why did you leave?’

‘I just felt tired. I’m still recovering from the surgery, you know. It’s allowed.’

‘It wasn’t because Aaron was there with Liam, then?’

‘With who?’

‘You know - his boyfriend?’

Robert winced.

‘Does it bother you, Rob? Are you still in love with Aaron?’

‘No! I told you, Vic. It was all over months ago. Just leave it.’

 

The next three days, Victoria worried even more as Robert spent more and more time sleeping, either in his room, or on the armchair. The third evening, Victoria made toad in the hole.

She watched Robert’s meal coagulate untouched as his eyes closed, with his fingers around the plate.

When he woke, he asked for a glass of water and took out his pain killers.

‘But you haven’t eaten!’ Victoria protested. ‘And isn’t it time you came off those things? Do you think they’re the reason you’re so tired all the time? Let’s make an appointment and see the doctor.’

‘Yeah, later,’ Robert answered, distractedly.

 

A couple of days later, Victoria popped home from the lunch shift to a quiet house. At first she thought Robert was out. She was about to sigh with relief at the thought he was actually shifting his arse for a change, when she heard a noise from upstairs.

So he wasn’t out after all. Or alone.

She went to the kitchen quietly and made a coffee, sticking her head round the door when she heard voices at the bottom of the stairs, to see Robert in boxers standing with a fully dressed young lad, handing over money.

The boy left and Victoria emerged from the kitchen.

‘Who was that then, Robert?’

‘Christ! Vic! You weren’t supposed to be home yet.’

‘Yes, I already worked that out! Listen, no offence, Robert, but this is our home and if Adam found out about that, he’d be telling me to kick you out. Not ‘cos it was a lad, mind, before you start, I mean lad or lass.’

‘It was a one off, that's all.’

‘Well it had better have been. But maybe you’ve been doing this more, while me and Adam are out at work. Whatever. For God’s sake, find yourself a proper boyfriend if you…. And he didn’t even look old enough…’

‘Well he was!’ Robert protested, looking shocked.

‘For you, old enough for you, I was going to say. Just go and put some clothes on. I just don’t think this is a healthy way of carrying on.’

‘No? Well what would you know about it?’

‘Well I wouldn’t, and neither should you.’

 

With no one else to confide in, Victoria happened to mention what happened to Bernice.

‘And you think he’s depressed?’ She replied. ‘I think you’re supposed to lose your libido if you’ve got depression.’

‘Yeah well, this is Robert, so …’

 

February came around quickly. Finn came round to see Victoria. They stood in the kitchen while Robert made them a cup of tea.

‘So it must be nice being married come Valentines Day,’ Finn sighed. ‘At least you know you’re absolutely guaranteed to get a card, and you don’t have that gut wrenching shall I, shan’t I about sending one to someone else either.’

‘Yeah, I suppose so. Except I suppose you miss all the excitement of wondering who the card’s from, and then, when you do find out, all the joy of working out how you’re going to try and avoid them forever.’

‘Anyway this year Robert and I are taking a stand against romance. Aren’t we, Robert?’ Finn said.

‘Sounds about right,’ Robert agreed. ‘My... my divorce came through today. Got the decree absolute in the post.’

‘Oh my God!’ Victoria gasped. ‘Why didn’t you say?’

Glancing at Robert’s hand she noticed suddenly the ring had finally gone.

‘You must be so relieved that that’s over at last.’

‘I am. Yes, I am,’ Robert answered, and patting Finn’s shoulder, he took his tea and left them in the kitchen.

 

Victoria woke up in the night. She’d heard a noise downstairs.

‘Adam.’ She nudged him. ‘I think there’s a burglar.’

Adam sighed and went to look. He looked at the wardrobe where he kept an air rifle, but decided against it.

‘It’s Robert,’ he said coming back into the room. ‘Says he can’t sleep.’

‘Really?’ Victoria asked. ‘That’s new.’

‘Sort him out, Vic.’

 

After a week of sleeplessness, Robert developed a visible tremor. He’d also started drinking whiskey more regularly in an attempt to sleep.

Victoria had had enough. ‘Right. I’ve made you an appointment for the morning surgery at Hotten. So be ready at seven thirty so we can be there on time without getting in the morning rush hour traffic.’

Victoria and Robert left the house together at seven thirty as planned, grateful to be wrapped in warm coats and scarves as they went outside into the icy February air. Robert grumbled as he defrosted the car’s windscreen while Victoria waited shivering in the passenger seat, and then Robert looked up.

Across the street at the Woolpack he saw Aaron coming outside, but he wasn’t alone. The lad, Liam, was with him. Robert watched, frozen in more ways than one, as Aaron leaned forward and kissed Liam, swaying for a moment into the embrace, and then they walked together towards Aaron’s car. Robert clenched his jaw. His gunshot injury suddenly started to hurt intensely and he wondered dizzily where his pain meds were.

Eventually Victoria got out of the car.

‘For goodness sake, Robert, we need to get going!’

He gave her the keys.

‘You drive,’ he said. ‘I don’t feel well.’

Victoria turned the key in the ignition but the car wouldn’t start. She tried again and again. And then Aaron’s car had driven alongside and his window was down.

‘Need any help?’

‘It won’t start’ Victoria complained, while Robert shook his head from side to side with disgust.

‘It’s obviously frozen. I haven’t been out for a couple of weeks,’ he growled.

‘OK, so where you off to? I can drop you,’ Aaron offered. Liam on the passenger seat leaned forward for a moment to look across at Victoria and Robert.

‘Robert’s got an appointment at Hotten surgery,’ Vic explained.

‘Well get in then. I’m taking Liam home. I can take you, too.’

‘Brilliant! Thanks Aaron.’

So Victoria and Robert were in the back of Aaron’s car. Vic put her hand across and took hold of Robert’s fingers.

‘Thank you for this, Aaron,’ she said. ’It’s really good of you.’

‘It’s alright,’ Aaron said.

Liam fidgeted with the radio.

‘Turn it off, eh?’ Aaron muttered at him.

Robert was silent. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help himself from scanning Liam’s face, Liam’s neck, Liam’s mouth from his vantage point in the back seat. He knew they’d just spent the night together. His mind was drawing up images he wanted to push away but somehow couldn’t.

Aaron drove the car into an estate and stopped outside a house with the motor running.

Liam opened the car door to get out and then suddenly leaned across to kiss Aaron. At the last moment Aaron moved to offer his cheek, rather than his lips. Liam looked down.

‘I’ll text you,’ Aaron said, almost apologetically.

‘Alright!’  Liam smiled back.

Aaron drove off again on the way to Hotton town centre.

‘So, is this a check-up then?’ Aaron asked.

‘Robert’s not sleeping.’ 

‘Vic.’ Robert murmured.

‘Yeah well, I think we’ve all got that seasonal stuff going on,’ Aaron answered. 

 

Vic waited outside the doctor’s office.

‘So, how long were you taking the pain medication following the surgery?’ The doctor asked.

‘I stopped a month ago.’

‘And now you can’t sleep?’

‘That’s right.’

‘So have you had any emotional disturbances since then?’

‘No.I’m staying with my sister. I’m just… really lucky to be so well supported.’

‘OK I ‘m going to prescribe you Ativan which is a sleeping tablet, this will help.’

‘Thanks. That’s what I’d hoped.’


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Attempted suicide.  
> Robert leaves the doctors and interacts with Aaron. Later the same week Aaron gets a voice mail that had him rushing round to Victoria's home.

When Robert came out of the doctor’s office, Aaron was waiting in the reception. He stood up as Robert approached.

‘Why are you here? Where’s Vic?’ Robert asked, looking around.

‘I’m going to drive you back. And she just ran to the shops. You alright then?’

Robert glanced at the prescription in his hand.

‘What would you care?’

Aaron shook his head at the familiar sneer in Robert’s voice, then Robert went on. ‘Yeah. No. Come on, Aaron. A year ago Katie died. And you’re saying you’re OK?’

So many memories, it almost leaves them breathless.

‘I never said that,’ Aaron answered quietly looking away from Robert.

‘But you’ve moved on, yeah?’

‘I’m trying to move on, Yeah.’

‘He’s a bit safe for you though, isn’t he?’ Robert still couldn’t resist a comment

Aaron rolled his eyes. He knew Robert too well.

‘So what do you want to hear? I’ll tell you then! He’s kind. He’s honest. He’s sincere. Oh God and I forgot to mention he’s out. He never says anything to hurt me. Mum and Paddy love him.’

Robert nodded. ‘Course they do.’

‘So have you got your answer then?’

‘I just wanted to hear it from you.’

‘Why?’

Robert shrugged.

‘Because I ...'

 _Because I still love you_. The words formed in Robert’s head but he needed to bite them back, he couldn’t risk Aaron knocking him back again, not after last time.

And then tears sprang up in his eyes, he could feel himself starting to shake. He needed to walk away from Aaron, and quickly, but he felt trapped on the spot.

‘Hey!’ Aaron put up a hand to his arm. ‘Robert, are you okay, mate?’

‘I'm not well,’ Robert forced out between tears that despite his best efforts insisted on multiplying.

‘Sit down, eh?’  

Aaron steered Robert to a seat and he covered his eyes, sitting forwards as sobs racked through his body. Aaron kept a hand on his arm. He’d never seen Robert like this, well maybe at the lodge, but even that was different from this.

‘Robert, Rob, calm down! Shall I get someone?’

Aaron looked up. He realized some of the elderly patients, waiting for their appointments were glancing over at them curiously. A receptionist came up.

‘Do you need a doctor?’

‘No,’ Robert shook his head, ‘...no, thanks...’ He turned to Aaron still crying. ‘I’m sorry. Just, please go will ya?’

‘I’m not going anywhere!’ Aaron moved his hand to the back of Robert’s neck. His fingers tangled with Robert’s long hair. He got out his phone and texted Victoria.

Robert started to calm down, blowing air from his mouth in an attempt to control his breathing.

‘I’m not sleeping at night. So I’m all over the place,’ he explained, trying to justify his outburst.

Aaron’s hip and shoulder were touching his body as he sat next to him, and his hand was still on the back of his head. He couldn’t handle the proximity, the touch. He wanted to kiss Aaron. He felt dizzy with longing. He turned his face and leaned in.

He was amazed when Aaron didn’t push him away. His lips rested against Aaron’s lips. He stopped breathing and drank in the sweet softness. Aaron fingers stroked at his hair.

They pulled apart. Robert stared into Aaron's piercing blue eyes that looked back at him with such serious intensity.

‘I ruined everything,’ Robert said.

‘Yes, you did. We can’t go back.’

Then Vic arrived.

‘What’s up, Robert? I came as quickly as I could when I got your text, Aaron.’ She looked around noticing that all the patients in the waiting room seemed to be staring at them. 

‘I’m okay. Seriously. I’ll be fine. I just felt strange.’

‘Well, what did the doctor say?’

‘He gave me a prescription.’

‘Let’s get him home then. Thanks, Aaron for all your help. Really.’

 

After Aaron had driven them home, Victoria went to the Woolpack to do her shift. Robert sat in the cottage going over and over his conversation with Aaron in his mind.

Aaron’s words, his voice, were on repeat. The accident with Katie and what that had done to Andy and everything that had come after it, then the divorce coming through, all these things had been running round and round his head. But it was remembering what Aaron had said, up there at Wiley’s farm when Aaron had told him that he loved him. That. That was what haunted him the most. He hadn’t looked for Aaron’s love, he hadn’t asked for it, but Aaron gave it anyway, and then as soon as he knew, as soon as he grasped the fact that Aaron actually loved him, what had he gone and done? He’d abused it. He’d deliberately abused the person, the person who had chosen to love him uninvited, unconditionally. And why? Because he didn’t want it, did he? Not really. Not because he'd decided other things were more important, not because of everything he'd worked for, that was all a distraction. It was because he had no right to Aaron's love, no right at all.

So he’d succeeded spectacularly in pushing it away.

‘We can’t go back,’ Aaron had said. And that was the reality.

Aaron still loved him, he was sure after the kiss. But he hated him, too. Nothing could ever change that.

Robert unscrewed the new sleeping tablets they’d picked up from the chemist on the way back. He poured himself a glass of water.

 

When Victoria got home from work she couldn’t wake Robert at first.

‘Hey you!’ She patted his hand. ‘Did you eat something?’

Robert blinked at her slowly. His tongue felt heavy in his head.

Victoria’s phone started ringing with a shrill tone that hurt his ears.

‘Aaron.’ He heard Victoria say. ‘Yes, he’s alright, thanks. Well, he’s been asleep so he probably didn’t see. Thanks again for this morning. Bye, then.’

‘That was Aaron, said he’d called you a few times to see if you were okay, but you hadn’t answered the phone. So you see how people are worrying about you. I thought I’d heat up some of that fish pie from yesterday. You having some?’

Robert rose unsteadily.

‘I need the bathroom.’

He walked up the stairs with one hand on the wall. After going to the bathroom, he went straight to bed and went back to sleep.

 

That evening, there was a knock on the door.

‘Hey, you right, mate?’ Adam greeted Aaron. ‘Come in, then. Didn’t get enough of my ugly mug then at the yard today?’

Aaron nodded at Victoria who had her legs curled up on the sofa with the TV on.

‘Do you want a beer, mate?’ Adam offered.

‘Nah, I’m not stopping. Where’s Robert, then?’

‘He’s in bed,’ Vic answered. ‘I think whatever the doctor gave him was pretty strong, actually. I hope they know what they’re doing.’

‘He wasn’t in a good way this morning,’ Aaron said. ‘Sorry Vic, I just didn’t know.’

‘Well, his divorce came through a couple of days ago. I think he’s just trying to sort his head out.’

‘Really? Right.’

Adam spoke up. ‘Come on. You know Robert. He’ll be right soon enough.’

‘You think so?’

‘Sure, mate.’

On the Friday, Aaron went out to town with Liam. They came back to the Woolpack around two in the morning. Aaron smiled into a kiss and led Liam up to his room. Fortunately his Mum was being very accommodating about Liam staying over. She actually approved of him.

They undressed and lay kissing on the bed, then Aaron turned Liam and stroked his hand down the boy’s spine and over his arse cheeks. He heard his phone ping. He was lined up ready to enter Liam, but he felt a sudden intense feeling of unease. A feeling of dread. Who would message at this time of night?

Liam turned and looked at him. ‘Aaron?’ 

Aaron hesitated.

‘Sorry.’

He reached for the phone.

He had a voice mail. It was Robert.

‘Aaron. I know you hate me and you’re right. I did such terrible things to you. I’m sorry. I … I love you. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s down to me. It’s all down to me. This isn’t about you. But I just wanted to let you know I’m going away, and say bye.’

Aaron’s felt his blood drain away. His could hear his heart hammering in his ear drums.

He lept up, pulling on his clothes, leaving Liam staring at him in open mouthed confusion.

‘It’s Robert. I’ve gotta go.’

Aaron banged on the front door, Adam appeared in a T-shirt and boxers, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

‘Alright! Alright. Aaron. What the fuck’s going on, bro?’

‘Robert, where’s Robert?’ Aaron demanded.

‘Well, he’s in bed asleep. Where d'ya...?’

Aaron ran up the stairs.

He opened Robert’s bedroom door and turned on the light, but the room was empty. Adam was behind him, and Victoria appeared tying her dressing gown, her eyes wide.

‘What’s going on?’

Aaron tried the bathroom door but it was locked.

‘Robert!’

He shouted.

‘Robert!’

He pushed the door open with a kick.

Robert was naked on his side on the bathroom floor. Next to his mouth there was a pool of vomit. His eyes were open, unseeing.

‘Robert, Robert! No, No! What did you do?’

Aaron sank to his knees and pulled him into his arms.

‘Call an ambulance!’


	4. Chapter 4

It took fifteen minutes.

The longest fifteen minutes of Aaron’s life.  The sound of Victoria’s voice repeating Robert’s name over and over seemed to come from a distance like someone calling across a sandy beach on a windy day. He heard Adam’s footsteps receding as he ran down the stairs. He could hear his own breathing in and out amplified in the bathroom. He held on to Robert with his left hand on his back while he ran his right hand through his hair and onto his cheek, pushing and pulling at his face to try and get some response. Robert’s pale skin was chilly to the touch, his hair was damp.

‘Please, Robert, please, please, please…,’  Aaron begged, ‘don’t do this ... I will never, ever forgive you for this. Robert, please!’

Aaron released a sob as Robert’s eyes flickered with consciousness. He felt a surge of relief followed by a surge of anger so powerful he almost pushed Robert back on the bathroom floor. Almost. Instead his fingers curled a little more tightly against his skin. He felt Robert’s chest and stomach start to heave.

‘Good, good! Come on!' He cried and tried to turn Robert further in his arms so that he could throw up, but the convulsion was too weak. Aaron watched in desperation as Robert’s eyes started to roll up and close.

‘No, Robert! I’m here. I’m here with you. Look Vic’s here too. Stay with us, Rob! Robert! For God’s sake, stay with us!’

Vic put a blanket over Robert to keep him warm.

‘This was what you wanted, wasn’t it? Eh? Still messing with my head!’ Aaron muttered.

‘Aaron,’ Vic called Aaron’s name gently.

Aaron looked up from where he was kneeling with Robert in his arms. He saw Liam at the bathroom door, blinking, taking in the scene before him.

‘Liam, mate. You alright?’ Aaron asked.

And then Robert’s body started to move again and his eyes opened.

‘Aaron?’ He murmured.

‘Robert! Here I am!’ He answered.

 Liam slipped away downstairs, unnoticed.

And then the paramedics arrived and everything became action. As they took over, Aaron allowed the tears waiting in his eyes to spill onto his cheeks.

They wanted to know things. What Robert had taken and how long ago.

Going on evidence, Robert seemed to have swallowed a cocktail of his pain meds and the sleeping tablets the doctor had prescribed, washed down with a fair amount of whiskey. Aaron calculated from his voice mail this must have been 30 minutes or so ago.

They took him swiftly to the ambulance and Victoria and Aaron followed them downstairs to find Liam still there with Adam.

They all walked out together.

‘He’s conscious and we need to keep him that way,’ One of the paramedics explained. ‘He may need to have his stomach pumped when he gets to hospital.’

She looked at Aaron, ‘You’re his partner, are you?’

‘No,’ Aaron answered quickly, glancing at Liam. The paramedic looked confused for a moment.

‘But.. Well, you’re his sister, aren’t you? You are coming in the ambulance, then?’ The paramedic asked Victoria.

‘Yes,’ Vic answered, and climbed in.

Liam turned to Aaron.

’Give me your car keys. I can drive you.’

‘You can come with me if you prefer. It’s up to you,’ Adam said, looking at Aaron's face.

‘Liam, it’s probably better if I go with Adam. I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.’

Liam nodded. There would be time to talk later. Aaron hesitated, then took Liam’s hand. ‘This changes nothing,’ he added.

Liam shrugged.

‘I think this changes everything. But I’ll wait to talk to you.’

 

At the hospital the doctor explained they would wash Robert’s stomach but that a lot of the medication would have already have reached the blood system. They were only going to do the procedure because as far as they could understand they were within a one hour window of time that made it an appropriate intervention. They would need to watch for neurological damage as well as possible damage to the liver.

‘We need to get on. This isn’t pleasant.’ He looked at Aaron. ‘It’s family only.’

Vic looked at Aaron and the doctor.

‘He is family, he’s, well, he is…was his … boyfriend. Robert would want him there. I know it.’

The doctor hesitated and then agreed.

It was distressing. They shoved rubber tubes down Robert’s throat asking him to swallow and his eyes rolled as he struggled to breath. The doctors pushed a saline solution down the tubes to wash out the remaining contents of the stomach. Aaron held his hand. Robert held on so tight he thought his fingers would be crushed.

When they were done, they pulled out the tubes. Then they gave him a charcoal solution to drink. Robert cried from distress and Aaron felt useless. He stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.

‘You’re OK, mate.’ He murmured. ‘Robert, you’re OK.’

Eventually Robert fell asleep, exhausted.

They waited in the family room. Diane and Andy were both on their way. Diane had picked up some clothes for Robert from Vic’s cottage.

Vic turned to Aaron.

‘I thought it was all over between you both, but you still love him!  You still love him but you let him get like this, how could you let this happen to him, Aaron?’

Aaron looked confused, blowing out air from his cheeks.

‘Vic, I … how was I to know the state he was in? I only saw how he was when I gave you both the lift to the doctors…’

‘But you should’ve known; Aaron.’

‘Vic, that’s just not fair. Don’t lay this on Aaron,’ Adam spoke up. ‘It’s us that was living with him. We should have realized how bad things were getting.’

Aaron shook his head. 'Look. I’m going now.’                                                              

‘You can’t just leave.’

‘I have to leave Vic. You have to see this changes nothing. How can it? ’

Just then the doctor appeared.

‘We’ll keep him for twenty four hours observation and he’ll have a psychologist evaluation,’ the doctor said. ‘It was an intentional overdose, so that’s standard procedure. And this wasn’t the first time.’

‘It was the first time.’ Victoria looked confused

The doctor blinked.

‘You need to talk to him. But you need to be aware that this wasn’t the first time your brother has tried to take his own life.’

Vic and Aaron both looked shocked.

When Aaron got back home to the Woolpack, Chas was there. She looked at Aaron’s exhausted face with concern.

‘You alright, love? I’m sorry. I gather it was all very stressful. How is he?’

Aaron glanced at his Mum.

‘He’s being kept in for observation for the day.’

‘He must have been really low to go so far. Diane said she’d no idea.’

Aaron shrugged in agreement.

‘Liam was pretty upset, love. You need to talk to him.’

‘I know. I will.’

‘Aaron,’ Chas hesitated. ‘You won’t get dragged back there, will you? You know he’s bad news for you. You will keep that all behind you?’

‘Mum, don’t.’

 

Aaron knew from Adam that Robert was due home. He also knew he needed to talk to Liam. They sat together in the kitchen at the Woolpack facing each other.

‘I'd thought it was all over between you two,’ Liam shared quietly.

‘It is over,’ Aaron answered him.

‘Aaron, I saw how you feel about him. You were in pieces.’

Aaron looked skywards.

‘I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I want to be with you.’

‘Why? Because I’m safe?’ Liam asked.

Aaron let out a hollow laugh, hearing Liam say what Robert had said to him earlier.

‘I want safe, Liam!’

‘I think we should take some time off and think. I need to think.’

‘Okay,' Aaron accepted. ‘How long do you need?’

 

Victoria took time off work. They were told to watch Robert in case he tried again. She was given responsibility for giving him meds. Different ones now. Robert was quiet at home. He didn’t want to go out at all. In particular he didn’t want to see people. Only family. And Aaron.

He asked Vic.

‘When’s Aaron coming round?’

‘Aaron? Don’t know. He’ll turn up at some point, I suppose.’

Robert nodded.

Diane came round and sat next to him on the sofa. ‘You’ll be alright, pet, you’ll see.’

After four days, Robert gave up on Aaron coming round.

‘If he doesn’t want to see me, why didn’t he just leave me to…. you know?’

‘Is this all about Aaron, then?’ Victoria asked.

‘No,’ Robert answered.  ‘It’s about me. Aaron’s right to stay away. I need to get better.’

Hearing Robert say the words gave Victoria her first ray of hope in a while.


	5. Chapter 5

Chas decided to speak to Paddy.

‘I’m worried about him,’ she shared. 'Everything was going so well and then flaming Robert had to ruin it again. He’s not seeing Liam and he won’t speak to me about it. And he was such a nice lad. They were getting on so well, Paddy!‘

‘Yeah. You’re right. It did seem a good match for once.’

‘So, I was wondering. Do you think I should invite Liam over, for a meal or something?  If I just got the two of them in the same room, they’d probably talk it out, whatever it was that went wrong. Aaron needs cheering up. I haven’t seen him crack a smile in an age.’

‘Well, you could give it a shot. Invite Liam if you think it’s the best idea. What’s to lose, really?’

So when Aaron got back from the scrapyard, Liam was at the bar.

Aaron greeted him with a nod. ‘You alright then? Wasn’t expecting to see you.’

‘No, well, your Mum called me.’

Aaron rolled his eyes but didn’t exactly look unhappy. ‘Well that makes sense. Anyway, I’ll just go and have a shower and change and then I’ll join you for a pint.’

Chas caught Liam before Aaron came down.

‘Sorry, love, if he’s been a bit off since the Robert business. There’s a lot of history there and I don’t know what he’s told you but that Robert Sugden seriously messed with his head. Don’t blame Aaron, will you?’

Aaron appeared having caught the end of the conversation. He spoke to Liam.

‘Let’s talk somewhere a bit more private, eh?’

A part of him wanted Liam to understand about Robert, about how bad it had got, but there were things he just couldn’t tell him. What was important for Liam to understand was that he wasn’t planning on going back there.

‘Look, it’s been over a month, and I haven’t even seen him. So what does that tell you? I am not interested in getting involved with Robert again. Can we start again and just put this behind us?’

Chas was relieved when she stopped in the doorway to the living room to see Liam lean across and kiss Aaron. Aaron would be fine once they were back on, she reckoned.

 

Robert had good days and bad days. On his good days he might cook, or go to the shops or even look at some business related stuff on his laptop. He might ask Victoria about her plans for the weekend or about the dates of the appointments with the psychologist that he had to attend. On good days, Victoria could get him out for a walk, or Andy might drive him up to the farm and even get him to help out a bit with some of the outdoor work, getting some color to his cheeks so that when he got home he would sleep a proper relaxed sleep for a change.

On bad days he couldn’t do any of those things. On bad days he would mostly sit. It was hard to get a conversation out of him. He would look out of the window. He’d ignore the newspaper that Victoria put next to him. He’d get angry when she wouldn’t let him have a drink.

‘You can have a beer, one beer mind, but you’re not having whiskey with your meds.’

‘I’m not a child,’ he’d argue. ‘Surely it’s my decision and I can take responsibility for what I do or don’t drink.’

‘Well if you’re not a child, stop acting like one,’ Victoria countered.

‘I don’t even know why I’m here. Why are you even bothering with me? I don’t want this!’ He would protest.

Victoria sat next to him and took his hand.

‘I know Robert. I know you get these black feelings. I know that you’re suffering, but please, make an effort for me. They will pass, these days. That’s what the therapist said. We just have to wait.’

So Robert would let Victoria look after him, and try to stop being belligerent and difficult, while hiding how he had this pressure on his chest and throat and a nausea in his stomach and that his mind was like a black fog. For Victoria he would try to ignore the empty feelings and that he wished he could just vanish away for everybody’s sake.

‘So the doctor says you need to do more exercise. We could start running together. Adam, what do you think? You used to run, Rob, didn’t you?’

Adam agreed it was a good idea.

‘Aaron took up running at one time, didn’t he?’ He mused.

‘Aaron ran until he broke his ankle,’ Robert contributed. ‘It’s obviously quite a dangerous pastime.’

‘Well, let’s get you to the gym at Hotten. You can run on the treadmill there. That’s not going to be dangerous.’

Victoria got Robert a personal trainer. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t afford it. For Victoria it wasn’t so much about the training, it was more that when he was at the gym someone was keeping an eye on him. Robert wasn’t allowed to drive because of the effects of his depression and the medication on his concentration, so Victoria or Andy would drive him there and then one of them would either wait or pick him up. For Robert it was all just further evidence of what a burden he had become to them, but he had to admit that he generally did feel better after the exercise.

He came out of the gym after a session and walked to the car park where Vic had arranged to pick him up. And then he saw Liam walking towards him. He felt his breath shorten and tried to push down the surfacing feeling of panic.

‘So, you’re obviously recovered. Just stay away from Aaron in future. He doesn’t need the trouble you cause him.’

‘Sorry?’ Robert looked at Liam, eyes narrowed. ‘And who are you again?’

‘I’m just warning you. Aaron’s better off without you.’

‘And you think he’s better off with you, a half-wit who takes it into his head to warn me away? And you think Aaron would be grateful? It just proves that you have no idea about Aaron, you know nothing about him, about what he needs, who he is. I know why he’s with you, because he’s running away from himself. And I can guarantee that he’s putting up with your mediocre performance in bed as a form of self- punishment, too, cos that’s what Aaron does best. So don’t tell me who Aaron is better off with.’

And then Liam hit him. Robert dropped to the car park floor.

‘Okay,’ Robert muttered. ‘I was wrong. Maybe you are a good match for Aaron.’

Liam pulled him up and hit him again. Victoria came running.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ She shouted at Liam, who was backing away. ‘What did you do, Robert?’

‘Me?' He asked. 'He just came from nowhere and attacked me, told me to stay away from Aaron. I haven’t even seen Aaron since… in over a month.’

Robert had blood running from his eye and his nose. Victoria got him into the car and found him some tissues then drove him home.

 

It was early evening and she stormed into the pub.

‘Aaron, talk to that thug of a boyfriend of yours and tell him to stay away from my brother. Robert’s having a hard enough time as it is. The last thing he needs is someone jumping him.’

Aaron looked confused. ‘You what, Vic?’

‘You heard me. Your Liam beat Robert up in Hotten car park! I saw it with my own eyes. An unprovoked attack!‘

‘Yeah cos, we all know that Robert never provokes anyone.’

‘If you don’t believe me come and ask him. It’s not like you don’t owe him a visit since well, forever, actually.’

‘Alright.’ Aaron put down his empty pint glass and zipped up his hoodie. ‘Let’s go and talk to him shall we.’

 

It was the first time they’d seen each other since the night of Robert’s suicide attempt. Seeing Aaron walking in the door following Victoria threw Robert into a panic again. He stood up quickly and placed his hands in the pockets of his joggers.

‘So, thanks, by the way for the flowers and the card,’ he said sarcastically.

Aaron looked at the fresh bruises and swelling on his face.

‘What did you do to Liam?’ He asked.

‘Pardon me?’ Robert responded. ‘I think you must be confused. He’s lucky I didn’t press charges for assault.’

‘Well you must have said something to him.’

‘Cos it’s always me Aaron, isn’t it. I don’t know. Maybe you said something. All I can say is he is clearly a total moron. I don’t know why you’re with him. You deserve better.’

Robert sat down heavily and continued.

‘Actually he hit me when I cast doubts on his ability to satisfy you in the bedroom. So all I can imagine is that I hit a nerve there. At least that’s something we were good at. Sorry Vic, you don’t have to listen to this.’

Aaron blushed and shook his head with exasperation.

‘While you two sort this out I need to get back to work. Chas will be waiting for me.’

Victoria went out the door and Robert and Aaron were left staring at the floor.

‘I should go too.’

‘That’s right, run away.’ Robert said.

‘I’m not running anywhere, mate.’ Aaron answered.

‘Then stay for a while. The least you can do is explain why you’ve completely ignored me for the past month.’

Aaron bit his lip and glared at Robert.

‘And what do you think I was going to do after finding you like that? Reward you? Have you any idea of what I went through? What that felt like? I thought… I thought … ’ Aaron sat on the arm of the chair.

‘And you’re the only person who has the right to hit a low point? When it’s you we’re all supposed to feel sorry. Poor messed up Aaron. Well, surprise! Here’s something else we have in common.’

‘Except it isn’t, is it. Because the difference with you and me is that you lie, Robert. I told you everything, everything about me, about what I went through, about when I tried to ... You listened to me, you let me share all that, you even threw it back in my face, remember? And you never told me that you’d been there, too. The doctor said this wasn’t the first time. So, why didn’t I know that-eh? Robert?’

Robert looked shocked and confused.

‘He had no right to tell you that.’

Aaron let out a cynical laugh.

‘And that’s still all you can say?’

‘It…it was years ago.’

‘It doesn’t matter. You could have told me. Or told Vic. She only wants to support you.’

‘Don’t,’ Robert said.

‘So here’s the reality. It isn’t me that’s running away at all, mate. It’s you!’

Aaron stood up and walked to the door and then paused. Robert stood up too. ‘Look. I want to be there for you Robert. I really do! But you don’t let anyone in. Let me in!’

‘So, spend time with me. You and me. We can go for a meal, talk.’

Aaron paused and then spoke. ‘Alright.’

‘Tomorrow?’

‘Alright.’

Aaron closed the door and Robert sat down again, running a hand through his hair, while a smile broke on his face.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron go out for a meal.

After work the next day, Aaron showered and got ready to go out. When Chas saw him she grinned.

‘You look nice, love. Off on a date then? Glad that things worked out again.’

Aaron didn’t bother to answer. He could do without the grief of his Mum pecking his head. And anyway, it wasn’t as if this was a date. She need never know that he was having a meal with Robert.

They’d agreed by text that Aaron would pick Robert up in his car. Aaron thought it amusing that while Robert couldn’t drink because of his medication, Aaron couldn’t drink much because of driving, but there again, maybe a sober evening would be the best thing for them both. They would be able to talk better with clear heads.

Robert climbed into the passenger seat. Aaron glanced at his bruised eye and nose.

‘You alright?’ He asked.

‘Yeah. Fine. Let’s go then,’ Robert answered shortly, looking across at him.

Aaron looked again at Robert’s long hair, still uncut and shook his head smiling. Even a year on, Robert had the same effect on Aaron, the length of his thigh, his pale skin, the way his tongue wet his lips before he spoke. Aaron always had that quickening of his pulse when he drove with Robert next to him.

‘So where are we going?’ He asked, turning on the ignition.

‘I booked us a table at the Crown Inn. On the York Road.’

‘Yeah. I know it,’ Aaron said, and they set off.

Chas was surprised when Liam arrived at the Woolpack.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere? He already left, love, you must have got your wires crossed about where you were meeting.’

Liam looked confused.

‘I don’t think so. We hadn’t made any arrangement. I just thought I’d pop round. Is he out then?’

‘Yes. I thought he was meeting you.’

Victoria looked down and decided to keep quiet, for now at least.

 

The restaurant was crowded and warmed by a real fire that reflected off the dark oak tables and brass decorations. They had to wait for the table so Robert ordered them both a pint of real ale each, then they were shown to a table for two and sat down, taking off coats. Aaron was wearing a light black sweater and pushed the sleeves up in the warmth. Robert's eyes flickered over his exposed arms, then he picked up the menu.

‘So, what do you fancy?’

Aaron shrugged. It was so easy to fall into familiar patterns.

‘You order for me. You know what I’ll like.’

Robert hid a smile. He hadn’t had much of an appetite with his depression, but being out with Aaron changed that. He ordered them toast with paté, and then lamb chops for Aaron while he had beef. Halfway through the meal they both agreed it would be okay to risk another pint.

‘You’d better not kill us both on the way home,’ Robert joked, and all at once they both laughed at how ridiculous that was in the context of why they were there. Robert felt light for first time in as long a time as he could remember.

‘We’re supposed to be here to talk,’ Aaron pointed out. ‘Not just eat and drink and that.’

‘Well, I think we were always better at the eating and drinking and the ‘ _and that_ ’ that you were referring to, than we were at the talking,’ Robert remarked softly. ‘Maybe we should just enjoy it, let’s not force it eh? It’ll happen.’

So in the end, mostly Aaron chatted while Robert listened as he shared about the scrap yard, about his ideas for perhaps moving out of the Woolpack soon as long as he was still in Emmerdale, his thoughts about changing his car, his opinions on the football. Robert listened watching his face. He offered opinions of his own that he didn’t even know he had since being so out of it over the past couple of months.

When the meal was over Robert ordered whiskey with the coffee.

‘Vic would also kill me at this point,’ he said, his eyes narrowed as he smiled.

‘Well as long as I don’t get stopped by the police.’ 

‘Or... we could stay? Get a room? You could drive us back in the morning in time for work?’ Robert looked away as he spoke, his heart raced so hard, he wondered for a moment if it was the meds reacting to the alcohol after all.

‘This is why you brought us here, isn’t it?‘ Aaron looked at Robert and shook his head in mock disbelief.

Robert waited as Aaron paused.

‘Alright. You’re on.’ It was Aaron's turn to avoid eye contact with Robert, he wanted to hide how much he wanted this.

Robert blinked, then sprang back and stood up.

‘Hold on then, let me go and book a room. I mean, one room, yeah?’

This time their eyes met.

'Yeah,' Aaron answered softly, and it was all the answer he needed.

 

When Robert came back he placed a key on the table.

‘Interesting that it’s an actual real key,’ Aaron remarked.

‘Yeah, well it’s an old fashioned place. Four poster beds.’

‘Is that right?’ Aaron’s voice caught in his throat. ‘So what about paying for the meal?’

‘It’s sorted,’ Robert said. ‘Unless you wanted something else?’ 

‘No, that’s fine.’

‘So… shall we go and um try out some of the ‘ _and that’_ you were mentioning earlier,’ Robert gave a lopsided smile.

They both stood and Aaron picked up his jacket. Robert reached a hand out and took Aaron’s hand in his own. Aaron appreciated him doing that in a crowded dining room, even if they didn’t know anyone there, it still meant a lot to him. His heart was already thumping at the simple touch.

At the bottom of the stairs, Robert took out his mobile. ‘I’ll just have to ring Vic or she’ll worry,’ he said. Aaron nodded watching him.

 _‘_ Hey Vic, look, I’m not coming home. Don’t wait up.’

‘Wa… wait… I’m absolutely fine. I’m fine. I’m with Aaron.’

‘Ok. We’ll see you in the morning.’

‘Wh… Chas?’ Robert raised his eyebrows at Aaron who grimaced and stretched his eyes with mock horror.

‘Yeah, well, make something up? Or just tell her.’

He switched off the phone.

‘I am going to be in so much trouble, mate,’ Aaron said.

‘Stop talking now.’

Robert leaned forward and their lips met at last.

Robert closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Aaron’s.

Aaron broke from the kiss with a smile looking directly into Robert’s eyes. ‘Let’s go…’

‘…upstairs.’ Robert said.

‘Exactly. Upstairs.’ Aaron agreed.

 

Chas was clearing up the last of the glasses as she said goodnight to the straggling final customers for the evening. Victoria slipped on her coat.

‘I just don’t know where Aaron could be so late. He’s not with Liam and he didn’t tell me anything. He took the car so I hope he’s alright. The roads are still so icy even if it's supposed to be spring.’

‘Yeah, well, about that...’ Vic grimaced.

‘What? Do you know something?’

Chas, err, I know you’re not going to be happy about this but… at least he’s safe.’

‘What? What do you mean?’

‘He’s with Robert.’

Chas blinked with incomprehension followed by shock.

‘They went out for a meal. To talk, Robert said. Anyway, Robert called and said not to expect them till morning.’

‘Aaron is with Robert?’ Chas asked. ‘I don’t believe it! No offence love, but I’m going to kill him.’


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert tells Aaron about his first suicide attempt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Description of suicide attempt.

Aaron woke in the dark room and it took a moment for him to register that Robert wasn’t next to him. He sat up and then felt a wave of relief when he realized that Robert was sitting in a chair by the window, but he quickly got out of bed and went next to him when he noticed that Robert’s breathing was noisy and shallow, and he was leaning forward with his hands over his head.

Aaron knelt beside him and put a hand gently on his thigh.

‘Robert. You’re cold. What ya doing?’

‘Sorry,’ Robert whispered.

‘What for?’ Aaron asked.

‘I don’t feel well,’ Robert answered, blowing air out from his cheeks.

‘I know.’ Aaron tried to read his face in the dark with the light from the window. ‘How can I help you?’

Robert shook his head and then leaned forward. He placed his head on Aaron’s shoulder and Aaron felt his hair against his face and reached an arm across the smooth ice cold skin of his back, holding on to him tightly, pressing his fingers against him.

‘Why are you here?’ Robert murmured.

Aaron laughed.

‘And you’re asking me that now? After how we just spent the night? Just let’s hope the other guests don’t complain about your noise or they won’t let us stay again.’

‘I was quiet,’ Robert murmured.

‘According to you, yeah, maybe. According to an old fashioned hotel with old fashioned guests, eh, maybe not.’

Robert lifted his head. His breathing was calming down. Even in the dark, Aaron could tell that he’d made him smile.

‘Well I can’t help it if you have that effect on me.’

They kissed open mouthed, pressing cold lips hard against each other, seeking the warmth from inside each other’s mouths.

‘Come to bed. It’s so cold.’ Aaron noticed his own body beginning to freeze, and Robert had been sitting there for he didn't know how long in the darkness.

He led Robert back to bed and pulled the heavy covers over them up to their chins, then rubbed Robert’s side and legs with his hands to warm him, snuggling up close to him, shouting when Robert’s feet came in contact with his skin.

They lay facing each other across the pillow.

Robert spoke very quietly into the dark. The curtain from the four poster bed changed the quality of the sound. It made them feel like they were in a cave.

‘I get this feeling, here…,’ he took Aaron’s hand and held it against his solar plexus. ‘It’s like I’m being pulled by an invisible string and I’m floating away and all I want is to just let it happen.’

‘Yeah?’

‘And then I think, well Vic and Andy, they’d be angry for a while, but then I think they’d be better off without me really. I’m just a liability, after all. That’s what my Dad thought, wasn’t it? He knew he was better off without me. And you, you think the same, deep down. I know what you really think, Aaron.’

‘Don’t float away from me, Robert,’ Aaron whispered back to him.

‘Max died because of me. It was an accident. But it was my accident. My dad… he called me a lunatic. Then he told me to leave and not come back. And sometimes, sometimes I see it from his point of view. I do things and I don’t mean for things to happen, but they do, so they must be my fault after all.’

Aaron lifted Robert’s fingers to his lips and kissed them without speaking. He watched the silhouette of Robert’s face in the dark.

‘So I was sent away from home, Aaron. I was so angry with my dad. I spent months hating him for what he did to me. But all that time all I wanted was for him to call me. I just wanted him to say come home, that he missed me. That I was alright. But he never did.’

Aaron listened, keeping his fingers wrapped around Robert’s hand.

‘So I was alone, and, because I was alone I started to have casual relationships too. I just wanted that contact. I had one night stands, women, and for the first time men, too. It didn’t bother me, well, obviously. But I think I knew it would bother my dad so I did it more. I thought, well if my Dad’s ashamed of me, why not give him more reason to be ashamed.’

‘And then I started to realize that my dad had been right, that, that it wasn’t him that was the problem, that it was me, that it always had been me. Otherwise why would I be the one alone? I was responsible for Max’s death. I made my dad ashamed. I broke Andy’s heart, and Katie’s. And so I just decided the world would be better off without me. So that’s when I did it. There wasn’t a single event that led up to it. At first I just thought about it sometimes, and then more often and finally well I felt compelled, like I couldn’t stop myself.’

‘And what did you do, Robert?’ Aaron asked quietly.

‘I did what you did, of course. I tried to gas myself with the exhaust in the car.’

Aaron started to sob.

‘So how did you get out of it?’

‘A kid, a lad found me. They, they called an ambulance. I was in hospital.’

‘Didn’t they call your family?’

‘I didn’t let them. I didn’t want anybody to know. And nobody did know until now. Until that doctor blurted it out. So you’re the first person I’ve talked about it to.’

‘You were all alone,’ Aaron said and sobbed again.

‘Shhh! It’s Okay.’ Robert moved his hand up to Aaron’s face stroking his cheek.

Aaron sat up distressed, so Robert sat up next to him, putting his arm around his shoulders.

‘Aaron I told you cos you wanted to know. Don’t make me regret it.’

‘But why didn’t you tell me before?’ Aaron cried. ‘When you knew what I’d been through? When you knew it was the same?’

‘Because I needed to be strong. I need to be strong, Aaron. I was alone a long time. Years. I had to… look after myself. You can see that?’

‘And how could you say the things you did to me?’ 

‘Don’t!’ Robert shook his head and dropped his arms away from Aaron. He pulled the covers higher up against them. ‘I’m not proud of myself. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry, Aaron.’

Aaron could hear from Robert’s voice that he was starting to panic again. He searched for his hands.

‘Robert. I’m really glad you told me. I really am. I’m going to put the lamp on and look at the time and then make us a brew. Then I think we should go back to sleep. Are you okay with that?’

When Aaron checked the time he saw it was five in the morning. He made them two mugs of tea which they started to drink.

Then Aaron spoke again.

‘There’s one thing I wanted to say to you. Do you know one of the best things about this, being here ... you just saying to Vic -I’m with Aaron - And you being okay with that. We never had that. It meant a lot to me.’

Robert pulled Aaron in for a kiss and pulled his body right over him.

‘We need to sleep,’ Aaron said with a smile.

‘I don’t care.’ Robert answered.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Aaron bit his fingers as he gazed at the grey afternoon sky through the window of the porta cabin. There was only an hour or so and then it would be time to go home. He didn’t feel ready to face his Mum’s inevitable looks of reproach. And how could he face her questions when he didn’t have any answers himself? He knew he loved Robert, and that Robert loved him. That was just a fact of existence like breathing or being born and dying. But he didn’t know what they could be to each other. How they could be to each other.

Being together with Robert was like drowning while being apart was like dying of thirst. There was no middle ground with the two of them.

Vic was surprised by Robert. She’d thought after the night out with Aaron, he would somehow be in better spirits. But the reality was he seemed almost worse. He lay on the sofa with his eyes closed and an arm over his head.

‘Haven’t you two made up then? Or was it just a one night fling or something?’

‘I don’t know,’ Robert muttered without opening his eyes. ‘But I don’t feel good about it.’

‘Why’s that, then? ’

‘Because I know Aaron. He’s going to overthink everything and then he’s going to decide it was a mistake, and then he’s going to tell me that we’re better off apart.’

‘And you want to be together?’

He turned so he was facing her and opened his eyes.

‘Well, I thought that was fairly obvious.’

‘Obvious to you, maybe, but not to the world and his wife… or husband… or whatever,' she added. ‘And did you tell him?’ She went on.

‘I don’t need to tell him. He knows.’

‘But it makes thing simpler to hear them said sometimes. Sometimes giving something a name makes it easier to imagine it happening.’

 

When Aaron got home from work, his Mum was behind the bar, but of more immediate concern, Liam was sitting at a table, nursing a pint.

Aaron had absolutely no time to regroup. What do you say when faced with your boyfriend, when you just spent the night in a hotel with your ex?

‘Alright?’ Aaron managed.

Liam looked up at him with a slightly injured expression. ’Alright,’ he answered back. ‘I called round yesterday, but you were out.’

‘Yeah, well, something came up. I didn’t know you were planning on coming round, did I?’

Aaron didn’t intend to sound defensive and he didn’t intend to lie either. He couldn’t feel remorseful, but he certainly didn’t want to be responsible for hurting Liam. He saw his mother glaring at him from behind the bar. ‘Look, I’ll get a pint and join you. You having another one?’

Chas frowned at him as she poured him two pints.

‘Don’t you dare go upsetting that poor lad! Just because of Robert.’

Andy arrived while Aaron was still waiting for his pint. He registered Liam sitting at a table.

‘I heard from Vic you were out with Rob last night. Is that right?’ He asked quietly.

Aaron stretched his eyes in affirmation.

‘Well, don’t lead Rob on, will ya? He’s not well, Aaron, even if he seems it. You need to be really clear with him about where he stands.’

Aaron nodded.

He took the two pints over and sat down again with Liam. Still unsure of what to say to Liam, he allowed him to rattle on about other things and listened, nodding absently, still feeling the after effects of the lack of sleep from the night before, in spite of catching a couple of hours of shut-eye in the heated portacabin while Adam was out at meetings.

And then Robert walked in. Aaron scraped back his chair, standing up as soon as he saw him. The first shocking thing, other than the fact he was actually there for the first time in over a month, was that he’d had a hair-cut. The bruises around his eye and nose had turned purple. He held his head up and his expression was determined as he walked towards the bar.

Robert’s eyes flickered over Aaron and Liam, but he went next to where Andy was sitting on a bar stool with his pint.

‘Alright bro?’ He asked. ‘Pint please, Chas.’

Chas looked at him.

‘Don’t make trouble.’ She muttered.

‘Now why would I do that?’ He asked, too loudly, and turned to look at Aaron who had sat back down with Liam.

Then, when Robert got his pint, he patted Andy on the shoulder and went and sat down next to Aaron, who rolled his eyes.

Robert put his pint down on the table, wiping the froth from his upper lip with his tongue. Ignoring Liam, Robert, reached forward and took Aaron’s hand in his own.

‘Make your mind up, Aaron!’ He patted Aaron’s hand and stood up again, scraping his chair back slowly and returning to Andy.

Aaron apologized to Liam and followed Robert.

‘Out the back! Now!’ He snapped and walked through behind the bar. Robert followed him, Chas and Andy raising their eyebrows at each other.

Robert stood opposite Aaron in the kitchen, lowering his brows at Aaron’s blazing face as he stood with hands on hips.

‘What was that about?’ He hissed.

‘Well, I didn’t expect that you would be climbing out of bed with me this morning and arranging to meet up with him by tea time?’ Robert objected defensively.

‘I didn’t know he’d be here. He was waiting when I came back from work,’ Aaron answered. ‘I didn’t know what to say to him, he still doesn’t know. After all, he’s my boyfriend and you’re the one I’ve just two timed him with.’

Robert shook his head with a wry smile.

‘We both know that’s not true.’

‘Come again, mate?’

‘I’m the one. I’m… your boyfriend… I’m your man, Aaron. And he’s the mistake on the side.’

Aaron looked at Robert’s face searchingly, trying to hold on to his anger. He could feel himself caving. How did Robert do this to him every single time?  Robert could see it too, the minute he saw it, his voice changed.

‘Last night. It meant a lot to me Aaron. It showed me a lot, too. You’re the only person I can talk to, really talk to. And I told ya… Aaron. I need to be strong on my own, I’ve needed that for so long.’ Robert’s voice wavered for a moment. Aaron could hear his breathing flutter. ‘But you’ve changed everything for me. I want to let you in. And I want you to think you can talk to me too, and that you can trust me again and that I won’t , do what I’ve done before and throw stuff back at you. Cos I know you’d never do that to me.‘

Aaron continued to search his eyes.

‘So that’s what I came to the pub for,’ he said softly. ‘And I didn’t expect to see Li… _him_ , I’m not going to say his name. I just came to see you. Because there was something I needed to say clearly. So please listen, right?’

He paused a moment taking courage. His tongue wet his lips before he spoke. He looked Aaron in the eye.

‘I want to be your boyfriend. I want you to be my boyfriend. And I want everyone to know.’

Aaron bit at his bottom lip while his eyes filled with tears and he very, very slightly shook his head from side to side.

‘And before you go off on one. I know, I know you still hate me. And I know I’m ill, and this isn’t going to make me better. And I don’t want you to say yes because you think I’ll... do something. But I was thinking this is a chance for us and it’s got to be worth a go, hasn’t it?’

Robert waaited.

‘Boyfriends eh?’ Aaron whispered, not meeting Robert’s eyes.

‘Yeah.’

‘And um, what do boyfriends do exactly?’

Robert rolled his eyes in panic. ‘Date, talk, eat, fight, fuck… all the things that we know how to do, I guess. I think we’ll be pretty good at it.’ And he smirked, a Robert smirk, just so that Aaron would know that he was still essentially Robert.

‘Okay.’ Aaron looked up at him.

‘You… you’re sure?’ Robert whispered, hardly believing his ears.

Aaron leaned forward imperceptibly, waiting for the kiss.

‘Stop talking now.’


	9. Chapter 9

Aaron woke up, wondering for just an instant where the sudden pain in his calf muscles had come from, before he registered it was Robert kicking out again in his sleep. His feet were less of a worry to Aaron than his knees when he kicked. God help him, one day he would get him in the balls and do some serious damage. Aaron turned from the position where Robert had been spooning him, so that they were face to face on the pillows. He whispered sleepily to him, _’You’re alright, Robert, I’m here,’_ before falling back asleep.

Night times were always the most difficult times, with Robert still prone to panic attacks or sleeplessness and anxiety. He still had a prescription of low strength sleeping tablets but since the overdose, this was strictly regulated, as well as other medication for the depression. In the four weeks since they got together, Victoria had handed over responsibility to Aaron for Robert’s meds.

‘I can’t keep track of the twos of you. I don’t know when you’ll be staying here, when you’re staying at the Woolpack, or when you’re staying in a hotel. You’re going to have to keep a hold of the medication or I’m going to get totally confused. And Aaron, be careful, keep them in a safe place, and keep my brother safe, won’t you?’

For Aaron, for a lot of the time the safe place was his wash bag. He did wonder how good it was for Robert, and himself for that matter, to be so out of a routine when it came to where to sleep every night.

Victoria also didn’t hesitate in pointing out that, just because they were now boyfriends, it didn’t mean they had to spend every single night together.

‘It’s quite normal for people in relationships to spend a few nights in the working week apart, you know,‘  she said to Robert at tea time one evening, after not seeing him for three or four days in a row.

Robert just looked at her in confusion.

‘Why would I want to do that?’ He asked.

‘Just, you know, taking it steady.’

‘We took it steady for a year. I had enough of that,’ he answered.

 

Afterwards, though, her words haunted him. He worried that maybe he was putting pressure on Aaron, when Aaron would really prefer to be alone and not spend every night with him. He turned the idea over and over in his mind until it grew into a certainty that he was somehow forcing Aaron to stay with him against his will.

When they met in the Woolpack, his hands were clammy as he sat down next to Aaron, ready to explain.

‘Listen Aaron, so let’s not spend the nights together. We don’t have to sleep together just because we’re boyfriends.’

Aaron looked at him in confusion. ‘So… don’t you want to sleep with me? Why?’

Robert hesitated. ‘I don’t mean sex.’

Aaron laughed. ‘Yeah. I realized you didn’t mean sex. But, why don’t you want to sleep with me? Am I making you uncomfortable? Do I keep you awake at night? I know we both have to fit into single beds together ‘n’ that, and it’s not ideal. God maybe you’re right.’ Aaron looked down, worried now that he was the one stopping Robert from sleeping.

They spent one night apart.

Aaron spent the whole night worrying about Robert, turning over and over, waking and reaching out to him only to find the bed empty. Robert spent the night sitting up in bed at Victoria’s listening to her and Adam, and then hyperventilating until he threw up in the bathroom, and Victoria had to sit up with him watching old episodes of Game of Thrones until he eventually fell asleep.

That evening in the pub, they both met with dark circles under their eyes and snapped at each other with an irritability born of tiredness. Aaron took Robert’s hand and looked at him intently.

‘I am not sleeping apart again unless you physically kick me out of bed. Which… ‘, he nodded his head to one side, ‘on reflection isn’t entirely impossible given your legs and the size of our beds, but we’ll wait and see, yeah?’

 

Sex, though, helped. Sex helped with everything and the sex was, well, out of this world, Aaron reflected. Robert had described it as something they were good at, and frankly, he wasn’t joking. Aaron sometimes found himself wondering if other people had any inkling how good it was for them, and he found himself wondering about other couples and feeling slightly sorry for them, because, shit, he doubted they were getting it so good.

And the sex helped with sleep, and it helped with healing. The nights when they went to bed early and took time and gave themselves a couple of hours to devote to each other’s physical satisfaction, those nights they usually both slept well. Other nights, late nights, they would be more likely to make love quickly, urgently, more like a throwback to the secret trysts they shared the year before when they were having an affair. The heat would be high octane and they might wake in the night and look for each other’s bodies, wanting more of that rush all over again. And sometimes, when Aaron snuck away from the scrapyard, there would be day time sex, stolen time at Vic’s cottage, dirty sex, hot as hell.

Aaron knew it did them good. His own sense of well-being was as good as he could remember. He could visibly see Robert’s progress day by day. But they also had to constantly compromise, keeping quiet when they wanted to be loud, waiting and watching for opportunities, fitting in with other people’s plans.

And Chas. Chas just couldn’t move on from the past. She couldn’t forgive and forget.

 

Robert woke up next to Aaron in the middle of the night, he could hear a pounding in his ears and there was a pressure on his chest so he couldn’t breathe. The darkness of the room engulfed him and he felt like he was falling, falling away into darkness. He knew Aaron was next to him, he could hear him breathing, but it felt to Robert as if he was far, far away.

He had to move. In Aaron’s room there was nowhere to sit, nowhere to go. His hands felt like they didn’t belong to him as he found a gown of Aaron’s behind the door and slipped it on then left the room and made his way downstairs, keeping his hand against the wall.

‘Oh, it’s you.’ It was Chas, nursing a cup of tea, unable to sleep herself.

Robert frowned at her, aware she was there but not capable of interacting. He sat down on the sofa, leaning forward, trying to follow the breathing techniques he’d been shown.

Chas looked at him dispassionately.

‘I know you’re not well, Robert, but I don’t see why you’re using that as an excuse to emotionally blackmail my son. He deserves better than you.’

‘You’re right,’ He managed to mutter. His heart was racing so fast and he started to see stars. He was almost gratefully aware that he was on the verge of blacking out.

‘You deserve to suffer,’ Chas said, unaware of quite how bad Robert was, but Aaron, who’d woken up and found Robert gone, walked in and looked at her in shock as he rushed to Robert’s side.

‘Hey, hey, breathe with me!’ He said to Robert, kneeling next to him and holding his hands. ‘I’m here.’

 

Later he could barely bring himself to look at his Mum.

‘How could you?’ He asked her, tears in his eyes.

‘I’m sorry, I just didn’t know he was so bad. I wouldn’t have said those things if I’d known, you know me love. I wouldn’t do that. But, the fact is, I can’t trust him, not after everything that happened. And I don’t want you with him.'

‘You just don’t get it, do you? You don’t get what he means to me.’

‘I can’t just sit back and watch you ruin your life with him.’

‘You’re my Mum, but he’s my life now, and he’ll come first,’ Aaron said and walked out.

 

A few days later, Aaron walked into the kitchen at the farm where Moira was having a cup of tea.

‘Alright, Aaron. I didn’t expect to see you here today?’

‘No, I was looking for Robert actually. I thought he was here. I had a quick look round but I couldn’t see him.’

‘Oh, he and Andy have gone up to the top field to tag the new lambs and to bring in some of the ewes that are still lambing to the barns. I was just with them, actually. He’s doing quite well, your Robert. I never thought I’d say it, but at least he’s got a good work ethic. And Andy’s chuffed whenever he helps out. He won’t accept any pay either, so I can hardly complain about an extra pair of hands, can I?’

Aaron felt like a proud parent. He’d become so used to deflecting the criticism aimed at Robert, it came as a pleasant surprise to hear someone say something even remotely nice about him.

‘Yeah, well, perhaps you could say something to my Mum,’ he sighed.

‘I gather she’s not taken too well to this turn of events.’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘Well it’s still pretty new, and I must admit she wasn’t the only one surprised. I mean Robert, openly saying he’s bisexual, and in a relationship with a man was the last thing people around here would have predicted. But, you’ll probably just have to let her deal with it in her own time. She’ll come round.’

‘Will she?’

‘Aaron, you have the right to live your own life and make your own decisions. You shouldn’t always be needing other people to approve of them, even your Mum.’

‘I guess you’re right.’

‘Are you going up to see them then, if you are, can I give you a flask of tea and I’ve got these hot pies they’ll probably want, as well?’

 

Aaron saw Robert and Andy near the quad bike in the top field. He got out of his car and walked towards them negotiating his way around some rather boggy patches, even so, getting his feet wet and cursing with the cold and wind.

The sight of Robert in overalls though was enough to restore his mood and to force him to suppress a smile. With his hair blustered by the wind and his eyes with an extra sparkle from being out in the fresh air, Robert looked so good, Aaron had to look away for a moment to compose himself. He could still sometimes hardly believe that this handsome bloke was actually his boyfriend.

Robert grinned when he saw him approaching, swinging the thermos from Moira.

‘Tea boy’s arrived!’ He shouted, grinning.

‘Nice one, Aaron! ‘ Andy smiled.

They were both kneeling on a tarpaulin in a makeshift pen, Robert had hold of a one day old lamb, while Andy had a machine that looked something like a staple gun and used it to tag the lamb’s ear. The lamb let out a horrified noise, wriggling in Robert’s hands, while the lamb’s mother looked on from outside the pen. Robert then turned the lamb around and Andy tied an elastic band around its tail. Then Robert stood and gently released it next to its mother.

‘Looks painful,’ Aaron grimaced.

‘Yeah, well they’ve got short memories,’ Andy replied. ‘Like the rest of us, I suppose, when it comes to pain. We forget eventually and move on, don’t we?’

Aaron nodded. Robert reached out an arm and pulled Aaron close then leaned and kissed him on the mouth, making Aaron blush.

This was what he’d wanted with Robert, of course it was, but at some level he still felt as if they should be sneaking around and hiding from everybody, after doing it for so long.

‘Cut it out you two, eh?’ Andy remarked, not helping Aaron to feel less awkward.

‘Why? I can kiss my boyfriend if I want,’ Robert countered, making Aaron shake his head in laughter at Robert’s total lack of self-awareness. If he could only compare himself now with how he was previously, but one of Robert’s graces was his ability to live fully in the present, and for that to be his truth. The flip side, of course, was Robert having to deal with his depression.

By living in the present he pushed all the other stuff and mess in his life to one side and inevitably that had finally forced itself to the surface causing all the anxiety attacks and other symptoms of his current illness.

Aaron passed the tea over to Andy and then unpacked the hot pies from an insulated carrier. They sat on the tarpaulin and ate, rubbing their faces against the wind and warming hands on the cups of tea.

‘So, why did you come?’ Robert asked Aaron.

‘I came because I have something to show you. So, I wanted to make sure you would get finished early. I need you to be ready for me to pick you up at four sharp.’

‘You could have just called,’ Robert looked thoughtful, wondering what Aaron was up to.

‘I could have, but I wanted to come, so here I am. Problem?’ He asked.

‘Not in the slightest,' Robert grinned.

At four o’clock Robert was ready waiting outside the farm in jeans and with his warm jacket with the hood pulled up against the afternoon chill. It was raining slightly.

Aaron picked him up in the car, with a half-smile as he slid into the passenger seat.

‘So,’ He looked across at Aaron. ‘I’m intrigued. What’s this mystery you’ve got lined up for me?’

‘You’ll see.’

Aaron drove them into Emmerdale and then picked up a woman in a smart suit with padded jacket and a clip board.

‘So, nice to see you again.‘ She said climbing into the back of the car.

‘So this is Robert, my boyfriend.’ Aaron said looking in the rear view mirror. ‘Robert this is Estelle.’

‘Nice to meet you, Robert, she said offering a rather limp hand. ‘It’s cold today. Not exactly the best day to see it, really.’

Aaron drove for ten minutes and stopped outside a farm cottage.

‘Come on, then.’

They got out and the woman opened the door with a key. Robert hesitated on the threshold.

‘Wh...What is this Aaron?'

‘It’s for us. To rent. Our own place, if you like it. I already saw it, so let’s take a look together and see. If that’s what you want?’

Robert looked at Aaron.

‘I don’t know what to say? No, that’s not true. I do know. I love you Aaron Dingle!'

‘I know. I love you, too.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Reference to suicidal thoughts

Robert and Aaron sat side by side in their pyjamas on the sofa at the Woolpack.

It was a Saturday and they had stayed late in bed for, well, obvious reasons, and then eaten some breakfast. Everyone else was behind the bar for the Saturday rush and they were alone.

Robert’s laptop was open on his knee. They were looking at beds so they could choose what to buy for the cottage before going out shopping later that day.

The fingers of Robert’s right hand were entwined with Aaron’s, between them, so he was negotiating the key pad awkwardly with his left hand, with occasional help from Aaron’s free hand, too. They’d decided already on a standard double bed, rather than a king size or bigger, because Robert had read something about couples with bigger bed sizes drifting apart.

‘And I want to be close to you,’ he’d murmured, leaning into a soft kiss, bringing out a smile on Aaron’s face.

Aaron was trying to avoid thinking that Robert had probably done this all once before. The memories of Robert’s time with Chrissie created a knot of jealousy that probably only time would lessen. They never spoke about it. Robert never mentioned Liam, either, although it was hardly comparable. In Robert’s mind it was as if Liam had never existed.

Liam had been angry when Aaron finished it. And he had a right. Aaron had been kidding himself about wanting to stay away from Robert so naturally he’d misled Liam too. But it was all over now.

‘Look at that, though! That’s just ridiculous!’ Aaron objected, suddenly noticing the prices of the mattresses.

‘Well, you’ll just have to let me buy this,’ Robert countered. ‘This is, after all, the most important piece of furniture we’ll buy.’

‘Is that right?’

‘No doubt about it.’ Robert smiled and leaned into a kiss.

He put the laptop down and pulled Aaron over so he was straddling him and Aaron started to move against him, feeling his arousal through the flimsy pyjama material. He kissed him, slowly opening his lips and pushing his tongue against Robert’s.

‘Oh my God. Can you two control yourselves just a while longer? The day you move into that cottage won’t be a day too soon.’

It was Chas, coming through on a break from the bar. Aaron hastily shifted off Robert, blushing.

‘Well it won’t be long now,’ Robert countered.

‘We’ll see, won’t we?’ Chas bit back. ‘There’s still time for Aaron to change his mind.’

Robert picked up his laptop, and leaning over he held Aaron’s face under the chin and kissed his again, before leaving to go upstairs.

‘Just give it a rest Mum, won’t you?’ Aaron appealed.

‘No, love.'

‘When are you going to accept that this is what I want?’

‘When hell freezes over.’

When Aaron went upstairs, rather than getting showered and dressed, he found Robert lying on the bed on his side, eyes closed.

Robert leaned and looked back at him over his shoulder. ‘You sure this is what you want? This isn’t just about me is it, it’s about you too?’ He asked.

‘Course!’

Aaron lay down behind Robert and pushed an open hand softly down the back of his pajama trousers, kissing his neck so that Robert hummed with pleasure.

‘I can prove it,’ he murmured, as his fingers found their destination.

 

At first Aaron tried to ignore the warning signs.

Everything had been going so well. They’d paid the deposit and a couple of month’s rent in advance. They asked for permission to paint and decorate and then hired some help to get it done, even though Robert had protested he could do it himself. They would be able to move in less than two weeks.

Robert had made great progress, even his psychologist had said so. Robert had invited him along when he went for one his weekly sessions. Aaron waited, glancing at the weird paintings and watching the sports channels on Sky on the TV attached to the wall. He tried not to think back to his own cognitive therapy sessions that seemed so long ago.

Then Robert asked if he wanted to talk to the psychologist, and although he wasn’t sure whether he did, he said yes because it was what Robert wanted, and he knew this was Robert keeping his promise and letting him in.

Robert left them alone.

‘So, how do you find Robert these days then?’

‘Yeah. He seems really good. I mean compared to a few weeks ago.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Just he has better energy and that. And he’s starting being snarky with people again, more like himself I suppose.’ Aaron laughed.

‘Well, he seems to be doing well. He told me you are going to move in together. That’s quite a big life change for you both.’

‘Yes. I think it will be really good for us.’

‘Aaron, Robert happened to mention you have some experience yourself with depression. I hope you don’t mind me bringing that up.’

‘No, that’s fair enough.’

‘Of course, everyone is very different, and why and how they experience the illness is different. Have you heard of the metaphor of the black dog?’

‘I think so,’ Aaron answered. ‘That depression doesn’t necessarily go away, but you can tame it? Is that right?’

The psychologist smiled. ‘And that it can get a bit wild and unruly at times, so just to be aware of that. But I agree that Robert seems as good as I’ve seen him since the overdose.’

 

It was the Monday when Aaron called him from the scrapyard but couldn’t get an answer that he started to worry slightly.

He called Andy, but Andy said he hadn’t been up to the farm. At lunchtime he went to Vic’s and found him sitting with a mountain of torn up paper.

‘What’s this?’

‘Old paperwork from Home Farm.’

‘Having a clear out then?’

‘Well I get income from my shares. But I’m not involved anymore, so I don’t need to keep track of the business. I need a job Aaron.’ He sighed, standing with his hands on his hips.

‘So, what do you want to do? Are you fit enough yet? What did the doctor say about that?’

‘Don’t you have faith in me, then? Thanks very much for the vote of confidence! Why did you come here anyway if you’re going to be like that?’

‘I’m not being like anything,’ Aaron answered.

‘Yes, you are. You obviously think I’m useless!’

‘Don’t put words in my mouth, mate,’ Aaron countered He walked towards the door.

Robert called after him, ‘No? Well, we all know who the useless one is in this relationship! Think you could have started that business without me? It wouldn’t have lasted a day without my input and you know it! No business sense, the pair of you. God only knows what I was thinking investing my money with you losers!’

Aaron nodded back at him slowly and turned to leave.

Robert reached for him, realizing his mistake, but Aaron pushed him away with his fingertips. ‘No!’ he said. ‘You don’t get to do this to me and get away with it anymore.’

And he left.

 

After work Aaron went to the Woolpack. He didn’t call or text Robert as he normally would and Robert didn’t call or text him either.

It was only when Vic appeared with Adam for a drink that the alarm bells rang.

‘Where’s Rob?’ Vic asked.

‘He’s with you, isn’t he?’ Aaron answered, his stomach lurching.

‘I thought you’d both gone out in his car, cos it’s not in its parking place.’

‘Oh God, no.’ Aaron started to shake.

‘What?’

‘We, we had a row.’

Victoria went pale. Aaron called Robert’s phone, and he picked up.

‘Where the hell are you?’ Aaron asked, furious, tears in his eyes.

‘I’m on the Leeds highway. I’m in a layby.’ Aaron noticed that Robert’s voice was too light, that his breathing was not good.

‘Okay. Stay where you are. I’m on my way.’ 

Aaron took Adam with him.

‘Woah, man, slow down! It’s not going to help anyone if we all end up in Ward Four.’

‘This is my fault!’ Aaron said. Then added, ‘I’m going to kill him!’

Adam shook his head.

They saw Robert’s car and Aaron parked behind it and got out while Adam shifted over to the driver’s seat, ready to drive Aaron's car back so Aaron could drive Robert.

‘Let me know if you need a hand at all,’ he offered as he started to call Vic. Aaron nodded gratefully.

He tapped on the window of Robert’s car, shaking with anger, so that Robert wound down the window and looked at him.

‘Open the door, then!’ Aaron spat.

Robert opened the door and scooted over to the passenger seat while Aaron got in.

‘What the hell were you thinking?’ Aaron shouted.

He saw a tear roll down Robert’s cheek and he rubbed a hand over his own face as he thumped the steering wheel and let out a sob.

‘I was so scared. I thought I’d lost you, Robert! When I heard the car had gone…’

He saw Robert’s hands were shaking. He reached his arms across and pulled him into a hug.

‘I thought we were doing alright, mate?’

Robert blew through his cheeks.

‘I just wanted to be normal. So I decided to take the car out. I like driving. You know I do. I was alright and then suddenly I got this feeling like something cold creeping round my skin. I had to stop. Then I had an attack and I couldn’t drive again.’

‘Why didn’t you call me then?’

‘Because I feel so useless. I thought, if I wait, maybe I’ll feel okay and be able to drive again. And I didn’t want to upset you.’

‘Well you did. It’s been a prize day. I am upset.’

‘I feel so useless Aaron, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I said those things.’

‘I know. But it’s got to be OK if we fight sometimes, isn’t it? You can get angry, I can get angry too, mate. Eh? That’s what being normal is about.’

 

By the following Thursday, two days before the planned move, Aaron could no longer deny that Robert had deteriorated. When he came home from work he went directly to Vic’s and went up to his room, Robert was asleep with the curtains drawn. Vic was at work, Adam was downstairs making some tea.

‘Hey,’ Aaron kissed his shoulder from behind, then held onto his wrist and kissed his hand, too, waking him.

‘You were supposed to be at the gym, you’re not going to get lazy just when I got used to this nice muscle mary body of yours?’

Robert smiled, then closed his eyes again, frowning.  
‘Talk to me, Robert. What’s going on?’ Aaron said sitting on the bed. ‘Do we need to see the doctor? Talk about your meds? Maybe, I dunno, maybe they’re not working anymore?’

‘I don’t know,’ Robert answered. ‘Maybe.’

He turned to the wall and spoke all of a sudden.

‘Aaron, I can’t do this.’

‘What? What this? Is it the cottage? Is it me? Would you prefer to stay here at Vic’s?'

‘No, I want the cottage more than anything in the world. I want you.’

‘So what is it?’

Robert shook his head. ‘It’s me. I’m not good for you, Aaron.’

‘Robert, we’ve talked about this. Let’s go for a walk. Please.’ Aaron felt panic rising in his throat.

‘You’ll manage without me, won’t you?’

‘No, no, I won’t.’ Aaron started to sob. ‘Why are you talking to me like this? How can you imagine that I could possibly manage without you?’

‘But you see. This is my fault. Don’t cry Aaron, Please don’t cry.’ Robert lifted a hand to Aaron’s face.

Aaron tried to get control. Then Robert spoke again.

‘I gave the car to Vic.’  
‘Wh… why would you do that? You love that car.’

‘You wouldn’t have wanted it, would you? Did I do the wrong thing?’ Robert asked suddenly anxious. ‘I could give you the watch, but it would only remind you of Chrissie, but you could sell it, Aaron, at least. It’s on the table there. I wish I’d bought you something, about us, I mean. I should have bought you a ring. I love you more than I ever loved anybody.’

‘What are you saying?’ Aaron stood up in agitation. ‘Please Robert, let’s go downstairs, or go for a walk.'

‘I can’t go on. I thought about the quarry. That would be an easy place, Aaron. I can’t cope. You need to let me go. I love you. Let me go, because I can’t cope any more. I just want to go now. I love you, but I messed everything up and I hurt so much. I don’t want to hurt you any more, either.’

Aaron stepped out of the room, shaking. He ran downstairs to Adam.

‘Help!’ He sobbed ‘Who... who do I call?’

Adam helped him find the number for Rob’s psychologist.

‘I’m so afraid,’ he cried down the phone. ‘I think my boyfriend, Robert, is going to try and kill himself.’ He sobbed. ‘Help me please.’

They sent an ambulance with a psychiatric nurse.

Robert looked at Aaron, appalled.

‘I can’t believe you did this.’

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!‘  Aaron answered, blinded by tears which ran down his cheeks.

‘Robert’ The nurse asked ‘Are you having suicidal thoughts?’

‘Yes,’ Robert answered.

‘For your own safety, we recommend you come with us for an evaluation and maybe stay a short while in hospital. This is your decision, nobody is forcing you right now, but you need to be aware that if you agree there may be restrictions placed on your freedom to leave, just to protect you. Do you understand?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you agree to come to hospital with us now?’

‘Yes. Stop crying Aaron. Call your Mum and Paddy, they’ll help you.’


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Robert sectioned in hospital, Aaron is distraught. He finds it difficult to cope with his emotions and does something that he regrets.  
> 

_Aaron was sitting on the bed in a hotel room. Robert opened the mini bar and got them out two beers then walked towards him. Robert was smiling at him, silently telling him he loved him with just the look in his eyes. Aaron smiled back, overwhelmed by his feelings. He’d never felt so wanted, so in love. Robert reached for him and he looked at Robert’s outstretched hand. Robert was wearing a ring on his finger and Aaron knew it was his ring. That they were married. That’s why they were there, in the hotel. All at once Katie’s voice cut in ‘So you’re gay!’ She was saying. ‘I’m not gay.’ Robert answered. Aaron moved to the window. He needed to look behind the curtain. Robert was pleading with him, ‘Don’t! Don’t look Aaron! Please don’t look!’ With two hands he pulled the curtain open, and suddenly Robert was falling from the open window into the wide grey sky, Aaron was shouting out his name as his heart raced. As he reached out to catch him, the ring slipped from his finger, falling slowly away from him into darkness._

Aaron opened his eyes, gasping.

It was pitch black in the room.

He sat up, shaking. After a moment he started to sob.

He sobbed for a long time in the dark until his face was wet.

He felt so alone.

Eventually, he leant over and fumbling, switched on the light. When they got back from the hospital he’d asked Vic if he could stay, not able to face his Mum yet and wanting to be here, in Robert’s room, just to feel closer to him.

He looked around the silent room, taking in Robert’s things, his clothes folded over the back of a chair, on the chest of drawers his laptop,  a couple of bottles of men’s perfume, some loose change and receipts emptied from a pocket, a single condom in the foil wrapper out from the box that he knew was kept in the drawer by the bed, his car keys, a card from Sarah and Jack from the last time he was in hospital, and tucked in the mirror, a photo of Aaron topless lying on a beach in France that Robert had found in his room and stolen from him. He hadn’t had the heart to tell him Ed had taken the picture. He liked the idea that Robert could somehow reach back in time and own every part of him, filling his life with love.

He noticed the Rolex on the bedside table. He picked it up, rolling it between his fingers. Part of him wanted to smash it, but instead he fastened it around his wrist and lay back down, pulling the pillow that still smelt of Robert close around his face. He closed his eyes again, surrendering to sleep.

In the morning when he went down, Adam was already on his way out. When he saw Aaron’s face, Adam’s expression changed.

‘It’s alright, man. I got this. You just do what you need to do for now, right? I’ll take care of the yard.’

They’d said forty eight hours. For the evaluation. They’d put him in a locked ward and Aaron had begged them through his tears.

‘No! He’s done nothing wrong! Please. Please. Don’t do this to him!’

‘It’s just a precaution. He’s suicidal and he’s very recently made a serious attempt. He’s not a danger to others, but he is to himself, right now. You have to understand that it’s for his own good?’

They handed over Robert’s phone into Aaron’s safekeeping. Aaron couldn’t bear to think of him wanting to call but not being able to, just wanting to hold his hand but not being able to. What if he got breathless and needed Aaron to help him by breathing with him?

Aaron stepped out into the yard. He felt helpless, useless, lost. He stood under the drizzling rain.

He heard Andy’s voice. ‘Aaron!’

He looked round. Andy spoke to him from Vic’s kitchen.

‘Rob won’t thank you, you know, if you catch your death of cold. Come inside.’

Aaron did as Andy said.

‘Thought you’d be up at the farm.’

‘No, well, I’m going over to the Woolpack to see Vic and Diane. They need as much support as they can get right now. I’m sure you do, too.’

Aaron nodded.

‘He will get better, Aaron. And you did the right thing, you know. He’ll get the proper treatment he needs. They’ll be able to review his medication and he’ll be back to his cocky self soon enough. Then we’ll all be complaining. You’ll see.’

‘You think?’

Aaron went across to the Woolpack with Andy. Chas was in the back room with Vic and Diane.

As soon as she saw Aaron she stood up and walked towards him.

‘Love, why didn’t you come home? I’ve been so worried about you. I’m so sorry. Vic’s been filling me in. I’m sure he’ll be right as rain, soon.’

‘Yeah, well, whatever, you got what you wanted in the end, didn’t you?’

‘Aaron, don’t be like that. You know all I care about is your happiness.’

‘You didn’t want us moving in together. You said exactly that! We would have been moving tomorrow. And now that’s not going to happen. So congratulations!’

‘Aaron!’ Chas called but he backed away from her and walked into the pub where Doug was serving.

Ross, at the bar with Finn, looked at him. Aaron squared his shoulders and looked back.

‘What you looking at, mate?’ He asked.

‘No, you’re right. Just thinking. Sad that, about Robert, I mean.’

Aaron froze.

‘I mean, I always said, didn’t I? The bloke’s obviously...' Ross whistled and gestured to his head.

The fist blow to Ross’s face happened in less than a second. He fell to the floor, banging his head heavily as he landed. Blood spattered from his nose where Aaron’s punch had landed.

Fınn squatted down next to him and Doug shouted out from behind the bar.

‘Bloody Hell, Aaron!’

Finn looked at Aaron in amazement.

‘I know he deserved that but honestly, Aaron, you need to take it easy.’

Aaron looked on, chest heaving with each laboured breath.

Ross looked up at him, in no hurry to get up off the floor.

Aaron turned and went upstairs.

It was a couple of hours later that Victoria saw Aaron leave the pub in his trainers and jogging gear.

‘Aaron, what are you doing?’ She called after him and he paused in the doorway.

‘I need to run, Vic, it’s the waiting.’

‘If you need to talk, you can talk to me. I love him too, you know.’

‘I know. We’ll have a chat when I get back, yeah?’

He ran at a steady pace, not feeling the light rain. So forty eight hours, wasn’t it; that meant not today, but tomorrow evening?  He would see Robert tomorrow evening. But what if Robert hated him for what he’d done? For calling the ambulance and putting him in this position? He couldn’t bear the thought of Robert’s reproachful expression. He ran on, faster, breathing through the pain. He knew he was in danger right now. He could start hurting himself again so easily, but if he marked himself and later Robert would know, then maybe Robert would get worse again. He needed to do this so Robert would never find out.

And then the car drove up alongside him. It was Liam.

‘Wow. You must have run a long way. We’re almost at Hotten. You alright, Aaron?’

Aaron slowed to standstill and bent with his hands on his knees, catching his breath.

‘Yeah. Maybe I went a bit far.’ Aaron looked around, suddenly conscious of how far he must have come.

‘Do you want a lift then? I could take you back, or you could always come round ours? Nobody’s home. They’re on a city break in Amsterdam. We could have a beer, if you like?’

‘Sounds alright.’

Aaron got in the car.

Aaron knew he was in danger the moment he got out the car and went into Liam’s home. The trajectory of events was set in motion and Aaron knew he would follow it to its inevitable ending. So he got in the shower and washed rapidly, trying not to think at all. When he opened the bathroom door with a towel round his waist, Liam was there and then they were in his bedroom, on the bed and the next thing Aaron had his hands on his hips and was inside him, his heart thumping, gasping for breath as he came.

‘Will you tell Robert?’ Liam asked into the silence.

‘Robert’s in hospital,’ Aaron answered.

He stood up.

‘I need to go. I… I’ll take the bus.’

Aaron felt eerily calm. Robert was in hospital, and he’d just cheated on him. It was the most despicable thing he could do, worse than anything. Why had he done it? Aaron knew why. It was simple really. After all, it didn’t leave any visible scars.

Aaron could hardly breathe as he went with Vic and Andy into the ward to see Robert. Robert was lying on his side on his bed. His skin looked clammy and his pupils were dilated. The nurse had warned them that he may be quite drowsy, because the doctors had just prescribed new medication and although they were not giving him sedatives, the initial side effects could include sleepiness that would wear off in time. The doctor would be there to talk to them in more detail a little later on as right now he was in surgery.

When Robert saw them, he sat up, but moved too quickly and felt dizzy. Aaron took his hand, which felt wet and cold. Robert squeezed his hand in response.

Robert looked at Aaron’s face searchingly. And Aaron looked back at him, blinking his eyes rapidly. Then Robert looked away, Aaron clearly saw hurt in his eyes and his heart raced.

‘I’m sorry Aaron. I understand.’

‘Understand what?’

‘Why you wouldn’t want to kiss me. I let you down.’

Robert’s words pierced his heart.

‘Of course I want to kiss you. I… I thought you would be upset with me. For calling the ambulance and that.’

He leaned down and kissed Robert’s sweet lips. Then stood up again, shaking his head. How was he ever going to get over this? What had he done?

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron takes Robert home to their cottage.

‘I cheated on Robert.’

‘You did what?’

‘You heard me.’

‘But. I don’t get it, man. You’re crazy about him. The two of you are crazy about each other.’

‘I know ’

‘Then why did you do it, man? It doesn’t sound like you to be honest, Aaron.’

‘It was when Robert first went into hospital. That first day you know, my head was all over the place and Liam he was, he was just there. It meant nothing.’

Adam just looked at him

‘It was. I was just a mess, really. I don’t even know why, now. But I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.  I can’t tell Robert. He doesn’t deserve that.’

‘Then, just delete it.’

‘You what?’

‘Delete it. It didn’t mean anything. It was a one off. It’s the last thing you and Rob need right now anyway. Frankly you have bigger issues to deal with. Look, he’ll never know and you’ll forget about it. Just give yourself a break, man. We’re all human, we all make mistakes. Delete it.’

Aaron nodded. He knew that Adam was right about this. Robert wouldn’t cope, and really, he needed to think about more important things like getting ready for Robert coming home.

So he decided to delete it.

 

Each day, when Aaron went to the hospital, Robert seemed a little brighter.

The doctors were happy that with the change in medication and cognitive therapy, they were going to get Robert’s depression under control.

Initially they had talked about electric shock as a treatment, which had scared Aaron, even though the doctor explained it was carried out with anaesthetic.

‘It can be a very effective treatment for stubborn depression, but I don’t think we’ve reached that stage. The medication seems to be doing its job.’

Aaron sat with Robert, holding his fingers, threading them through his own.

‘So...’ he said with a soft smile on his lips. ‘Sounds like you might be coming home soon, after all.’

Robert nodded back at him.

'I'm sorry,' Aaron said, his face suddenly sober.

'Why?' Robert asked, looking confused.

'I mean, it was my fault you were in here.'

'Listen! Aaron. I needed this. You did the right thing and I know you did it because you care. Thank you! Please, don't ever say sorry to me. You've nothing to be sorry for.'

Aaron nodded. Then looked up with a smile.

‘So my question, Mr Sugden, is this: Which home are you coming home to? Vic is very happy to have you home. Even Diane is talking about looking after you. But if, and only if mind, you think now’s a good time, there’s a certain freshly painted cottage with a very expensive double bed waiting for your arrival. But only if you’re ready of course.’

‘Is that right, Mr. Dingle?’ Robert smiled back at him, making Aaron bite his lips and shake his head.

‘What? What did I say?’ Robert asked.

‘It’s not what you said. It’s just, seeing you smile.’

Aaron leaned forward and kissed Robert gently, while Robert held his face.

‘So I think I want to come to the cottage!’ Robert answered eventually ‘I think we’re already paying rent anyway and I hate to think of that money going to waste. If that’s still what you want of course. I know, I know I’m still getting better and I know it’s going to take time. I don’t want to be a burden to you, Aaron.’

‘Shut up, you Muppet!’ Aaron said. ‘But I expect a cooked breakfast, you do realize. Otherwise I’ll be going back to me Mum’s every morning. Or moving her in with us.’

Robert stretched his eyes in mock horror.

‘I’m good at making a cooked breakfast.’

‘I know.’  

‘I hadn’t packed my stuff,’ Robert said . ‘I mean, before I came in here, we were moving, but I didn’t pack because I didn’t have the energy, not because I didn’t want to move.’

Aaron took his hand again.

‘I know that. I can pack for you, if you want I mean. Then you can come straight there.’

‘I’d like that.’

 

The day before Robert was due home, Aaron went to Victoria’s and packed Robert’s bags.

‘Now don’t take this the wrong way, cos I know you twos are all loved up an’ that, but I do wish that he’d just waited and come home to us for a little while, just so I could keep an eye on him to be sure he’s better.’ Victoria complained.

‘You can still do that Vic, just pop round every day. He’ll appreciate it, I know.’

‘I suppose.’ Vic sighed. ‘You will look after him for me Aaron, won’t you? He loves you so much. You know, I used to think, a long time ago, when I was young, that I never saw any people in love like Rob and Katie were,  but with you, well, it’s just something else isn’t it? The two of you are very lucky.‘

Once Robert’s bags were packed Aaron took one last look around the room. He had a sense that something of Robert’s was missing. But he couldn’t see anything, so he shrugged and put the bags in his car.

After a hug for Vic, he drove up to the cottage to unpack.

When he arrived Chas was there, sorting out the kitchen.

‘So I went to the supermarket and I got you a whole load of basics that you’ll need, and I’ve just started putting things on shelves. But if you don’t like what I’ve done, then you’ll just have to redo it.’

‘You didn’t have to do that Mum.’

‘Yes, I did.’

She turned to Aaron.

‘I know what I said, before. And I know now that I hurt you. I’m sorry love. I do want you to be happy, and if you tell me that Robert Sugden is the man to make you, then… I’m glad for you, and I’m prepared to support you, just as long as you tell me you can trust him.’

Aaron winced slightly.

‘I can trust him, Mum. Don’t worry. And thank you. It means a lot to me. To us, really, to me and Robert.’

 

The next day, Vic and Adam and Aaron collected Robert from the hospital.

Aaron drove Robert’s car, because he wanted it parked on their own drive, not outside Vic’s anymore.

‘It won’t be long until you’re driving this yourself,’ Aaron said when Robert got into the passenger seat.

He saw a flash of anxiety cross Robert’s face momentarily.

‘But Robert' he put a hand on his shoulder. ‘There’s no rush for anything. As it comes, eh?’

At the cottage, Diane, Doug, Andy and Chas were there to greet them.

‘This is a really nice place,’ Andy said. ‘I notice there’s a spare room, too. Let me know if you’re looking for a lodger.’

‘Um, No thanks bro!’ Robert answered him. ‘I think we can do without you cramping our style.’

Andy grinned.

‘Well talk to me again when the honeymoon’s over, eh?’

‘I’ve left you a cooked meal for tonight in the fridge, pet. You can just heat it up. After that you’ll have to get cooking for yourselves and find out what the real world is like.’ Diane shared. ‘Lovely to have you back.’ She patted Robert’s face.

‘And I’ve left you some scented candles in the bedroom,’ Vic said.

‘You what?’ Aaron wrinkled his face.

‘They’re lads these two! They don’t need that sort of romantic stuff!’  Adam objected to Victoria.

‘Well, you’ve never complained!’ She laughed, booting him out of the door.

 

Finally, they were gone and the house was silent.

Robert and Aaron looked at each other, not speaking. Aaron could feel his breath lighten. He stepped forward and touched Robert’s hand gently with his fingers.

‘Welcome home.’ He whispered, looking up at Robert’s face.

Robert looked back at him, his eyes shining.

‘I love you, Aaron.’

Aaron shook his head slightly. How could he believe they’d ever come this far.

‘I love you, too, Robert.’

Aaron put both his hands on Robert’s sweater and held him close. He felt his warmth that he'd missed for the past weeks. He felt Robert’s hands on his face as he closed his eyes and they kissed. A gentle, long deep kiss.

‘Are you happy?’ Aaron asked Robert. ‘Are you glad you’re here, with me?’

‘There is nowhere in the world I would rather be, than here with you now,’ Robert said. ‘Except perhaps…’

Aaron looked at him questioningly,

‘…upstairs’

Robert finished his sentence.

He looked at Aaron.

‘Let’s light some scented candles, eh?’

Aaron grinned.

‘Let’s do that.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a follow up to the incident in the last chapter, but not yet.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron start their first day at the cottage.

The first night at the cottage they had fallen asleep after love making, Robert with his head on Aaron’s shoulder pressed into his neck, and an arm across Aaron’s waist.

After a while Aaron had woken, his shoulder numb, whispering ‘Sorry, sorry. I’m a bit crushed here,’ and kissing Robert’s forehead as he moved from under him. Robert sleepily objected, ‘Aaron, Aaron,’ as his hand gently moved over his stomach, running softly over his scars, before lying still, as sleep once again overtook him.

Aaron woke once more in the night with a start.

The bed was empty and in seconds Aaron’s adrenaline had kicked in and he was straining to listen in the dark, his heart suddenly beating fast. The door opened and he sensed, then saw Robert coming into the room, climbing back into bed with a shiver, bringing chill air with him under the cover. Aaron reached for him and lay facing him into his chest so the lengths of their bodies were pressed together, arms around each other once again.

‘Where were you?’

‘Toilet.’

Aaron relaxed.

‘It’s snowing,’ Robert whispered. ‘It looks really pretty out there. You should look.’

‘In the morning,’ Aaron grunted back into his chest.

They slept again.

In the morning, Aaron woke and watched Robert sleeping, listening to his breathing, tracing his freckles with his eyes. Robert was on his back and Aaron lay on his side. He had a hard on and pressed gently up against Robert’s thigh, until Robert spoke with gravel in his voice, smiling.

‘I feel you. So it’s like that is it, Mr. Dingle? Last night not enough for you, then?’

Aaron smiled and brushing a hand over Robert’s lower body found him equally aroused. He shifted over and on top of him, shuffling between his warm thighs, teasingly grinding and bumping against him, pressing kisses on his mouth, his face, his throat.

‘Did it snow?’ Robert asked.

‘Shh!’ Aaron replied, ’Concentrate, will ya!’

He tugged at Robert’s thighs until Robert, laughing, raised them to accommodate him.

Then all at once, Aaron was inside him and he was gasping and pulling at Aaron’s back with his fingers.

‘No condom?’ He whispered, an observation rather than an objection.

Aaron groaned and pulled out, panting.

‘Hey, hey!’ Robert spoke, running his hands softly over Aaron’s thighs as he knelt back. ‘It’s okay with me, you know, you’re it for me now. It’s not as if I’ve been on the pull in hospital.’ He joked.

‘No, well,’ Aaron found the condoms on the bedside table. ‘We can talk about this later. But for now let’s just do what we’ve always done.’

He leaned down and kissed Robert. ‘And right now I want you to concentrate on just one thing.’

‘I’m concentrating.’

 

After breakfast, they went out in the snow. It was a late snow storm, the last one of the year, Aaron guessed, as spring was well on its’s way.

The snow lit up the landscape as the fields beyond their cottage glistened white into the distance and the trees and bushes bowed under the weight of their white toppings.

They fought with snow balls, then Robert raised his hands in surrender and approached Aaron, reaching out for his waist. ‘No, no, you win.’ He grinned, before sneakily shoving a snowball hidden in his hand down the back of Aaron’s neck and dodging away laughing.

Aaron ran after him, and caught him, grabbing a lump of snow from the top of Robert’s car in passing and pushing it down the front of Robert’s neck, when all at once Robert slipped and landed on his back, calling out in pain. Aaron leaned down. ‘Robert?’’ only to be tugged down and have more snow forced inside his clothing, this time in the back of his trousers.

‘Fight dirty, would you?’

Aaron straddled Robert in the snow. ‘You’ve had it now mate!’

Robert laughed. ‘It’s the only way I can win anyway,’ he breathed.

He caught Aaron’s eye and moved his face upwards for a kiss. Just as Aaron relaxed into the kiss he tipped him over onto his back and, pushing snow under his shirt, stepped up and ran away.

‘OK, Sugden.’ Aaron called after him. ‘This is war! I’m coming after you. You just booked yourself a snow bath!’

Which is why, when Victoria arrived in snow boots, she found her brother shirt half hanging off, on his back, being pressed into the snow, pleading that he was dying to an unrelenting Aaron, sitting across his waist.

‘Oh My God! He’s just recovered from lung surgery!’ Victoria pointed out. ‘Let him go! Next thing he’ll have pneumonia!’

Aaron stood up slowly, backing away, watching Robert carefully as, shivering, he pulled himself up on his elbows, his back and face red with cold and wet, his open mouth grinning and panting, and an evil glint in his eye.

‘So you think you’ve won do you?’

Aaron kept backing away and was suddenly shocked by another fistful of snow down the back of his neck.

He turned and Victoria shrugged, wiping off her hands.

‘Well, he is my brother!’

 

Inside, Victoria put on coffee and the boys went for a hot shower.

‘I don’t want to know if you’re going to take it together. So keep the noise down!’

She called after them as they thundered up the stairs.

After, they came down in dry clothes wearing warm sweaters.

Victoria had tried and failed to light the real fire in the living room, so Robert showed her how.

‘I should know really, ’ Victoria said, ‘...but nobody ever showed me at the farm, and I was so young when we left and haven’t had one since.’

They drank their coffee and ate some toast, chatting, then Victoria gathered herself together.

‘So you’re alright, then, I take it?’ She said, looking at each of their faces. ‘Cos in that case I’m off to work. You can always pop in, in the evening if you’re up to it?’

‘We’ll see,’ Robert said, looking at Aaron. He turned to Vic.

‘Have you got my watch, by the way?’

‘Your Rolex?’ She pulled a face. ‘No. Haven’t seen it.’  She turned to Aaron. ‘Wasn’t it in the room when you packed up Rob’s stuff?’

Aaron suddenly felt his heart race. He picked up the empty coffee mugs and walked back towards the kitchen.

‘Um, no, don’t think so. I don’t remember seeing it,’ he called behind him.

He turned on the tap to wash the mugs.

‘Blimey, it’s worth a lot of money isn’t it? You don’t think someone could have pinched it?’ Victoria was asking Robert.

‘It doesn’t matter, it’s insured anyway,’ Robert said.

Aaron mind raced. He’d worn the watch, and then he couldn’t remember. Had he had it when he was at Liam’s or not?

Victoria left, and Robert joined him in the kitchen. Circling his arms around him, he held Aaron from behind and kissed his neck.

‘Are you glad we’re here?’ He asked.

Aaron moved round in his arms and looked at him.

‘Course I am!’ He smiled.

Robert kissed him, soft and slow.

‘Look, I need to do a bit of shopping in Hotten. Like stuff for the kitchen, and we don’t have an ironing board. I can go while you have a rest,’ Aaron said.

Robert looked into his eyes.

‘Don’t you want me to come?’

‘Wh… what? Of course I want you to come! I just thought, you only just got out of hospital, and the weather’s not good. Perhaps taking it easy would be a good idea.’

‘Really? You think so?’

‘Robert, I won’t be long. I promise. Keep the fire warm for when I get back, eh?’

Robert smiled mischievously.

‘Perhaps you can find a sheepskin rug, eh?’

‘For what exactly?' Aaron bit his lip.

Robert kissed him, breathing him in.

‘I’ll show you when you get back.’

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert get closer but when his birthday approaches what surprise waits for Robert.

At Hotten, Aaron visited the health clinic.

‘I need screening.’

‘Okay. Have you had unprotected sexual intercourse?’

‘Yes, but, just the once.’

‘Are you in a relationship?’

‘Yes.’

‘And your boyfriend, has he been screened at all recently, too?’

‘No, he’s been ill.’

‘It can be a good idea to come in together.’

‘But it wasn’t with him, the unprotected sex,’

Aaron started to cry. The nurse sat down and put a hand on his arm.

‘It was only the once.’ Aaron added. ‘It was a mistake. He’d be so hurt if he knew.’

‘Would you like to talk to someone? A counsellor?’

Aaron shook his head.

‘Some results we can get right off, and would you like us to phone you with the rest?’

‘Uh, yes. If you could. I think it’ll be OK, like, but I just need to be sure, you know?’

‘That’s okay.’

Afterwards, Aaron went to do the shopping. He went over it in mind again and again and again. Should he call Liam to ask about the watch? Maybe he’d left it at the Woolpack after all? He didn’t want to contact Liam. He didn’t want any interaction with him at all.  After a long internal debate he decided he’d leave it. It was only a watch for God’s sake. Just stuff.

 

When he got back, the fire had burnt itself out and Robert was asleep on the sofa.

Tempted as he was to run a hand through his hair, Aaron let him sleep on as he unpacked the groceries and put the new ironing board away in the pantry space.

He loved the cottage already. He loved the lower ceilings and the rough wood floors, the windows from the kitchen and their bedroom upstairs that opened onto the Yorkshire hills, right now covered in snow. Most of all, he loved that Robert was there with him, his long limbs littering the place up. Having Robert there made Aaron feel like he belonged, like he was complete.

He started to rebuild the fire.

When Robert woke up, he watched Aaron quietly and then spoke sleepily.

‘You’re home,’ he smiled.

Tears formed in Aaron’s eyes all at once.

‘What? What is it? You’re not sad, are you?’ Robert asked him frowning, stretching out a hand to Aaron.

‘Smoke,’ Aaron joked. He took Robert’s hand. ‘No, it’s just you saying _home._ I just can’t believe we have a home, together.’

‘Well it is our home. Remember you told me, way back, when I was at Vic’s, that I didn’t have a home, well now I do, this is my home, with you.’

‘I should never have said that.’

‘Yes, you should. You always say and do the right thing. It’s me that always messes up. That’s why I need you, Aaron.’

Aaron leaned down and kissed Robert as he lay on the sofa.

‘ Well, I need you,’ he replied quietly. Then smiled. ‘Otherwise I’d starve, you Muppet. What you making us for lunch?’

Robert took Aaron’s hand kissed it, then got up and went to put some lunch together for them in the kitchen.

 

‘What are you doing for Robert’s birthday, pet?’ Diane asked Aaron later that week.

He was visiting his mum at the Woolpack and having a cheeky lunchtime pint.

‘I haven’t really thought about it, to be honest, Diane. What do you think?’

‘Well, I think we should have a party for him here or at yours if you prefer,’ Diane said, ‘I want to make a fuss of him.’

‘That’s an idea. I’ll let you know, if that’s alright?’

Aaron was cautious of doing anything that might disturb Robert’s peace of mind. Most days he was happy, but he still had some days that caught up with him, when his energy was low so that Aaron needed to touch him when he spoke to get his full attention.

And Robert still had some anxieties. He was mostly anxious about not driving and about not working.

‘So let’s set a goal for driving, eh? You’re getting on alright with the medication and it doesn’t make you drowsy, and you’ll feel a lot better when you get that independence.’ Aaron suggested.

Robert had also started going to the gym again, which was another reason he wanted to drive.

They were talking over breakfast, before Aaron left for work. Robert, in his pajamas, had cooked him eggs and bacon while Aaron dressed.

‘I hate having Vic and Andy drop stuff to take me to the gym, I should be able to go by myself for God’s sake.’ Robert said.

‘You can take the bus, you know!’ Aaron teased.

‘Yeah, cos an ex director of a multi-million pound company really needs reminding about how much he’s lost.’

Aaron blinked and looked down.

‘Take a fucking taxi, then if that’s how you feel about it. It’s not as if you can’t afford it.’ He said, scraping back his chair.

Robert reached up a hand.

‘Aaron. Sorry.’

‘Yeah well, you’ve got to stop thinking about what you lost, mate and start seeing what you gained, which, in my book, is worth a hell of a lot more.’

‘I know, I know! You’re right. Aaron, kiss me before you go.’

Aaron leaned down and did as Robert asked, sliding a hand onto his skin at his waist under his pyjama top.

‘This is everything to me, all that I ever wanted.’ Robert whispered to him.

‘Me too.’ Aaron let himself smile, then left for work.

In the evening, Aaron drove them both to the supermarket at Hotten to do a weekly shop.

‘Why not we say that you are back driving by your birthday? That’s what the therapist was saying wasn’t it? Set realistic targets and work towards them. We could drive together a bit before then, to have you get some confidence, and that, if you want? What do you say?’

‘I’d like that.’ Robert answered smiling.

‘Alright, then.’ Aaron said after the shopping was done. ‘You drive us home.’ And he handed the keys to Robert.

Robert’s car needed a service after only having had a couple of run rounds for months.

‘Should I take it to Cain’s?’ Robert asked and Aaron looked back at him, incredulous.

‘You are joking me, aren’t you?’ He replied. ‘Last time I looked there were two mechanics, living here! I’m sure we can tune her together.’

So they both got down and dirty under the bonnet for a weekend, wearing old clothes, getting oil streaked.

‘We make a good team, eh?’ Robert grinned.

Aaron looked at him, at the oil smears on his face and in the tips of his blonde hair, and had to look away to get his breath back.

Later they showered together and spent the evening showing each other exactly how good a team they were, ignoring phone calls, just glorying in each other’s company.

 

Aaron was at the scrap yard when he got a phone call from the clinic. He was all clear. He cried a few tears of relief and then phoned Robert.

‘Can we eat out tonight? I thought it might be nice to go back to the Crown inn?’

‘Sounds like a plan. What brought this on?’

‘No reason,‘ Aaron said. ‘ I thought it would be a good drive out for you.’

When they were there, Aaron linked his fingers with Robert. He spoke in a low voice.

‘You know we had that chat about using condoms, an’ that. I think we’re ready now to give them up. What do you think?’

‘You know what I think. Aaron, you’re all I want. You’re the one.’

Aaron let himself smile.

‘But now I think we need to go home. Let’s skip dessert, eh?’ Robert continued and called for the bill.

 

 

The day of Robert’s birthday finally arrived. Diane, Vic and Chas were all helping Aaron by virtually taking over catering for the party which they had decided to hold at the cottage.

‘It’s our home.’ Aaron said. ‘It’ll be where he’ll want to celebrate for our first birthday as a couple.’

And Robert was going to be out of the picture as they got the place ready. He was driving to Hotten to the gym, for the first time going alone. It had been his goal and it meant a lot to achieve it.

So later in the afternoon, Robert put his gym kit on the passenger seat, and started the car.

Aaron kissed him.

He watched him go, biting his tongue. He wanted to call after him that he could call if he needed to, that he’d be there, that he’d always be there, that he loved him more than his life. But he didn’t. Because he also wanted Robert to know how much confidence he had in him and his recovery.

So instead he went indoors and got on with helping the others get ready for the party.

Robert came out of the gym, having showered feeling good. He was thirty today and he was awestruck by how much his life had turned around in one year. Since coming out of hospital and being with Aaron he felt that everything had shifted back into focus. He was afraid to say it aloud, but he felt recovered, the black dog had left him at last.

He walked towards the car and suddenly saw Liam coming over towards him. He looked away. This was all he needed, for Christ’s sake.

‘Oi!’ Liam shouted. ‘I’ve been looking out for you!’

‘Why?’ Robert asked ‘You’re not going to hit me again, are you? It’s a bit late for that, isn’t it. You just need to graciously accept that I won. Deal with it and move on.’

Liam laughed and pulled something out of his bomber jacket pocket.

‘I was just going to return this, that’s all.’

Robert squinted. It was a watch. His watch. The Rolex.

‘You see, Aaron left it in the shower. It was a few weeks back now. When you were in hospital I think. He was so desperate for it, we even did it bare back. Anyway I figured the watch must be yours. Thought you’d like it back.’

He dropped it in Robert’s hand and turned to walk away.

Robert shouted after him.

‘You liar!’

Liam snorted.

‘Ask him!’

 


	15. Chapter 15

Robert watched Liam’s figure receding into the distance until he had left the car park and completely vanished into the evening.

He held the watch loosely in his hand.

‘You liar!’ He repeated through gritted teeth. ‘Liar!’

He clenched his jaw

He was vaguely aware that his whole body was shaking.

He put the watch in his jacket pocket, feeling the weight of it against his hip.

Breathing heavily, he opened the boot of the car and took the metal lever from the car jack. He paused just to get his breath and look around at the deserted park, then, positioning the metal carefully in the corner of his rear window, he took aim and smashed the window.

As the glass shattered onto the back car seat, Robert exhaled.

He walked round the car and repeated the action at the other rear window. Then the front passenger seat window. From the corner of his eye he saw a family walking out of the leisure center towards the car park, the girl in the family was skipping.

He pushed the jack through the broken window onto the front car seat, and placed a hand on the bonnet to steady himself.

He wasn’t going to cry because it wasn’t true. Aaron didn’t do betrayal.

He breathed deeply again, feeling better. It was fine. It was Liam, trying to wind him up.

He would tell Aaron, and Aaron would be so angry with Liam for lying like this. He pictured Aaron’s fist colliding with Liam’s face, but the image suddenly changed to Aaron and Liam in the shower, together; doing things, together.

‘No, no, no, no!’

The thought bent him double. He felt a terrible pain that he couldn’t locate, so bad that he couldn’t breathe. His hand moved to his chest, he was starting to panic. He was hit by the familiar dread feeling as his skin became wet and icy cold and his heart raced too fast.  He wanted to cry out for Aaron’s help.

‘Aaron!’ He called, but he could hear the reproach already in his voice.

He wasn’t crying was he? He moved a hand unsteadily to his face and felt the wetness on his cheeks.

It was true. In his heart he knew it. Deep down, he was sure of it: Aaron had betrayed him.

His heart was shattered like the glass scattered over the upholstery of the car.

 

Aaron checked his phone again. Robert should be back by now. Most of the guests had arrived and were admiring the buffet put together by Victoria with some help from Marlon.

In the kitchen there was a birthday cake with thirty birthday candles, Diane worried they’d set fire to the cottage, Victoria had laughed.

‘He’ll blow them all out before they burn down anyway.’ She said. ‘You’re not thirty every day. I’m just so grateful we’re getting to celebrate. It’s amazing really. That we’re past all the dark days.’

 Aaron wasn’t comfortable with all the fuss. If you asked him he’d have preferred to do something just the two of them, something more intimate and personal. But this wasn’t for him. It was for Robert. He appreciated that it was also a testament to being out as a couple, after Robert being in denial for so long. Sometimes he thought he needed to pinch himself in case he woke up and discovered it was all a dream.

And his mum was there too, fussing over the champagne glasses.

He caught her eye.

‘Thank you,’ he mouthed.

‘I’m happy for you!’ She grinned back at him, eyes shining.

Andy reached out to grab a cheese pastry and Victoria slapped his hand.

‘Wait for the birthday boy to arrive, you!’ She reprimanded.

‘Yeah. Where is he then, Aaron? He hasn’t done a runner on you already, has he?’ Andy jibbed.

Aaron laughed ‘Yeah, yeah! Very funny!’

He bit his lip and looked again at the time. Should he call? He wondered.

 

Robert drove up to the quarry and stopped the car. He got out, taking the Rolex from his pocket. He stood on the edge, looking down into the darkness.

It was windy. It would be so easy to just get blown over the edge.

But that wasn’t why he’d come here.

For a moment he lifted his hand, ready to fling the watch over the edge, but then he hesitated.

He needed to see Aaron’s face. If he saw his face he would know for real.

He heard his phone and pulled it out of his pocket.

 ‘Hey where are you? I’m getting worried about you?’

‘I’m on my way.’  He tried to keep his voice steady.

There was the slightest hesitation before Aaron spoke again.

‘Don’t be long.’

Robert got back in the car.

He took the watch and put it on his wrist.

 

Aaron let out a sigh of relief when he finally saw Robert’s car approaching,

He walked down the garden towards him.

‘Where the hell have you been? What took you so long?’

 He couldn’t disguise the anger in his voice.

 ‘You knew I’d be worried with it being your first time driving without me.’

Then he saw the broken windows and put his hands to his face in shock.

‘My God! Robert! What happened?’

‘Kids.’ Robert looked down.

Aaron’s voice softened.

‘You OK?’

‘I’m… fine, fine,’ Robert answered, avoiding Aaron’s outreached hand, ploughing on towards the house.

Aaron stepped back, surprised. Something was wrong.

Inside Robert put his arms around Victoria and held her, looking at everybody.

‘Happy birthday, Robert.’ She laughed, a little surprised by the intensity of the hug.

Robert looked at all the food she’d prepared.

‘I just can’t believe you’d do all this for me.’

‘We’re just so chuffed for you, and how far you’ve come and that you’re here now with Aaron.’

She looked at Aaron, and Robert also looked at Aaron as she spoke.

‘Anyway, we’ve got something for you.’ Victoria went on. ‘Eh, good job we didn’t get you a watch! We thought about it, but looks like you found yours after all!’

Robert continued to look at Aaron.

 And he saw Aaron look at his wrist, see the watch, and how his face changed in a second and the shock that hit him.

And then Aaron suddenly raised his eyes to Robert’s.

And Robert saw the guilt.

He nodded back at Aaron, his jaw clenched.

It was true, then.

And everything that was sweet and good in his life went hurtling into darkness.

 He started to shake again. He could hear Aaron’s voice, but there was a rushing in his ears.

‘Robert, you have to listen to me.’

He shook his head rapidly. He mustn’t break down. Not now, not in front of everyone.

‘Why? What did you do Aaron? Tell me? What did you do?’ His voice was hoarse, barely a whisper.

‘Let me explain’ Aaron stepped towards him, but Robert stepped back, flinching, away from him.

‘Liam already explained, there’s no need.’

As he stepped back, his hand met the table where the drinks glasses were all laid out. He looked around the cottage and at everyone looking at him, his breathing was too fast, he was going to faint.

Aaron stepped towards him a hand outstretched.

‘Robert! Let me help you.’

Robert suddenly swept his arm over the table, crashing everything to the floor, once again glass was flying everywhere.

 ‘Stay away from me! You lied to me!’ He yelled. ‘YOU! LIED! TO! ME!’

His face was red and distorted.

‘Oh My God, Aaron! What’s going on?’ Victoria asked.

Diane, Andy, Chas and the other guests stared at Robert and Aaron in amazement.

‘He, he found out?’ Adam asked quietly.

Robert spun round to face him.

‘Of course! You knew!’ Robert spread out his hands in disgust. ‘Laughing at me behind my back? Eh?’

He turned back to Victoria.

‘Take me home, Vic. I can’t stay here.’

‘Robert! Robert! Please! We have to talk. Alone.’ Aaron put a hand on Robert’s arm, but Robert pulled away from the touch, his arm flying back as if he’d been burned.

‘Talk? Don’t you see? It’s over Aaron, finished.’

Aaron covered his face with his hands.

‘Just, thank you for my birthday gift.’ Robert went on.

Grabbing Aaron’s hand he grappled to remove the Rolex and instead slipped it onto Aaron’s wrist. The touch of his fingers and hand burned his skin.

 ‘See you.’

He walked out of the cottage and down the drive, Victoria following.

 

At Victoria’s, Robert went straight up to his old room and lay on his side on the bed.

Victoria called after him.

‘Rob, Rob, wait, what are you doing?’

She followed him up the stairs and put her head round the door.

‘Robert. Are you going to tell me what happened?’

He had his back to the door but she could see his shoulders shaking.

‘Later.’ He said, his voice was thick. ‘Jus’ go away now, will you.'

Victoria quietly closed the door.

A couple of hours later Robert came down again. Victoria and Adam were sitting on the sofa, looking glum.

Robert ignored Adam.

‘Vic. Let me have your car keys, eh? I need to clear my head. I’ll pick up my car later, but I just want to go for spin, if that’s OK with you?’

‘Of course. But are so sure you’ll be alright. Shall I come with you?’

‘I’ll be fine. I need to be on my own for a while.’

Victoria swallowed. Adam had filled her in on what he knew. She knew all too well just how much Robert must be hurting right now.

‘Here.’ She handed over the keys. ‘But you’ve got your phone. For God’s sake call me if anything at all happens or you need me. Promise?’

He kissed her hair. ‘I promise.’

Getting in Victoria’s car, Robert frowned.

He set off towards Hotten.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert continues to reel from the discovery of Aaron's betrayal

‘Right, I went round to yours and I picked up a bag of clothes and stuff for you, and, even though you forgot to ask for it, I also got your medication, so I suggest that you take that now if you’ve had some breakfast, 'cos the last thing you need right now is getting ill again. I don’t want you ending up in hospital again, Robert.’

‘I’m fine.’

But there was a stillness about his expression that made her reluctant to leave the kitchen until she'd watched him swallow his tablets, washed down with a glass of water.

Victoria had waited up for Robert the night before until he had eventually come back at around two o’clock in the morning. The shadows under her eyes were matched by the shadows under Robert's pale eyes. She’d decided to take the day off work to make sure she was there for him.

He’d not hung about to chat when he got in, going straight up to bed, but he had asked her to get his stuff from the cottage, so she’d gone up to see Aaron this morning. Aaron had been a total mess. She wanted to bang their heads together.

‘Anyway don’t ask me to pick up anymore of your stuff, because you’re going to go back home soon enough.’

‘I’m not going back.’ Robert shook his head, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. 'And don't call it _home_ anymore.'

Victoria unpacked some of the food from the party that she’d salvaged and didn’t want to go to waste.

‘Robert, I’m angry with Aaron, too! He did a terrible thing!’ Victoria put a hand on his arm. ‘But, you have to talk this over and move on. You can’t just throw away everything the two of you have. You deserve some happiness.’

‘It’s not me throwing it away, it was him.‘

‘But he’s a wreck. He's so upset and you know, whatever happened it must have been a mistake. He loves you, any idiot can see that.’

Robert looked out at the April rain. It seemed so strange that Aaron was sorry. It was usually Robert who was sorry. 

‘Anyway, Aaron packed your bag, not me. And he’s taking your car to Leeds today to get the windows replaced.’

‘He needn’t have bothered.’ 

 

Robert went to change his clothes, unpacking the bag that Victoria had brought him from the cottage. Aaron had packed him a single change of clothes and underwear, his toothbrush, shaving stuff and pyjamas. He thought about being in hospital, how Aaron had got used to packing him a bag. Aaron packing his clothes, laundering his clothes, touching him, making love, it was all a part of the intimacy between them, just them. Robert's fists curled around his pyjamas then he put them away in the drawer.

He saw that Aaron had put in the newly framed photo of the two of them that Aaron had given him on his birthday morning, before they got up. They’d taken it the day Robert had come out of hospital and they’d moved into the cottage.

‘I haven't got you any fancy stuff for your birthday,’ Aaron had said, ‘ … but maybe I will be able to later on, like, since I’m this brilliant business executive.’ He had joked, rolling his eyes. ‘But for now, I just wanted to give you this.’

After he had said thank you, they'd made love.

Robert couldn't look at it right now. He put it face down on the dresser.

He looked at his phone which he’d put on mute. He had a load of missed calls from Aaron and text messages.

He deleted all the messages, trying not to read them.

 _Call me, h_ e saw.

He wasn’t going to call him. Not now, not ever.

 

Victoria was back at work and Andy called round at lunch time.

‘She get you to check up on me, did she?’

‘You’ve got to get over this, Robert. OK, so Aaron made a mistake. It’s not as if you didn’t do the same, time and time again in the past, look at what you did to Katie all those years ago? Or even Chrissie? You need to get some perspective on this.’

‘Well, I don’t recall anyone forgiving me!’ Robert objected.

‘Yeah, but you had full blown affairs. This was a one off mistake. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did, Robert. And this is Aaron. He doesn’t do this sort of thing. I don’t know, he must have been all over the place or why would he? It’s obvious he loves you. And you love him.’

‘How do you know it was a one off? He told you that, did he?’

‘Anyway, he stayed at the Woolpack last night. Just in case you want to know where he is.’ 

 

Next day, Robert was home alone when Aaron walked in through the front door.

He stood up quickly from the sofa where he’d been sitting.

‘What you doing here? You can’t just walk in.’

‘I brought your car round, I had the windows fixed. Don’t go smashing up your own car again, mate.’ He held out the keys, but when Robert kept his arms folded, Aaron put them down on the coffee table.

They found it hard to look directly at each other, Aaron glanced at Robert, his face turned sideways.

‘And you’re alright? I need to know. I don’t want you to be ill again.’

Robert rolled his eyes.

‘Spare me the fake concern!’

‘Look, Robert, I know you’re hurt. And you’re right. Let's talk, please.’ He lowered his voice. ‘I know I messed up, but I can't do this.’

He saw Robert's eyes dilate as he took a step backwards away from Aaron.

‘Don’t flatter yourself that I would be hurt by you. You mean nothing to me,’ Robert countered. ‘Lucky escape I reckon. You did me a favor in the end. At least I didn’t end up paraplegic, or worse.’

Aaron flinched.

‘Look! I stayed at Mum’s yesterday, but then I decided to go home. I want to be there when you decide to come back,’ he said.

‘You’ll be waiting a long time!’

‘Alright. I’ll wait.’

 

Aaron got a call from Robert’s psychologist.

‘Mr. Dingle? I just wanted to check that everything is OK. Robert missed his appointment this morning and he’s not answering his phone.’

‘Oh God! Sorry! He’s um, got the flu. We forgot to call to cancel.’

‘Can you make sure he reschedules? He’s been doing so well. How’s it going, living together? No teething problems, I hope?’

‘No, really, couldn’t be better.’ Aaron answered.

He hung up and looked around the empty cottage.

 

 

A week later, Robert paced up and down the living room in Vic’s cottage.

‘It’s enough, now.’

‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m going to move on,’ Robert said.

He’d had a shower. Victoria could smell the expensive aftershave. He had a restless energy about him.

He used his mobile to call a taxi. ‘Leeds,’ and then in answer to another question ‘Bar West.’

‘Why aren’t you driving?’ Vic asked, concerned.

‘Because I'm going to drink,’ Robert answered, putting on his black leather jacket.

‘You can’t drink with your medication.’ Vic looked at him.

‘I’ll be fine.' He looked at Vic's face 'I won’t overdo it,’ he added.

The taxi drove up outside.

‘Don’t wait up for me.’

 

Victoria put on her coat and went round to the Woolpack.

‘You alright love? You here for a drink?’ Chas asked. 'What's up?'

‘I’m actually looking for Aaron. Is he here?’

‘In the back. Is it Robert?’

Vic walked through.

‘Listen, I think he’s gone to Bar West. I’m sorry Aaron, but, to be honest, I got the impression he’s gone on the pull. You need to stop him. I know it's not what he wants and he's not thinking straight. You need to sort this out now before he makes himself ill again. I’m not even sure if he’s taking his medication or not. This has gone far enough, now.’

Aaron held his breath. The thought of Robert with someone else made his heart still.

‘It's time to sort this out.’ He nodded at Vic.

 

A short while later, Aaron walked into Bar West and looked around. It was a Friday night so, as always, the place was packed and noisy. He couldn't see Robert, but a lot of people were standing and dancing, so it wasn’t easy to see all the tables in the more private areas of the bar.

A lad wondered up and looked Aaron up and down. ‘Hey! Can I buy you a drink?’ He offered.

‘No offence, but I’m actually spoken for,’  Aaron answered. The lad persisted until Aaron spoke more seriously.

‘Look, could you just leave me alone please?’

The last thing he wanted was for Robert to see him talking to another bloke.

Then suddenly, he saw him. His heart raced. He was sitting with another bloke. In front of them were a number of empty bottles so Aaron realized with a sick feeling that they must have been talking together for a while. Robert’s fingers were stroking over his mouth as he talked. The other bloke looked as if he was in his early twenties, also bearded and nice looking as far as Aaron could make out in the bar lights. Aaron felt a hot surge of jealousy. Then Robert stood and lurched forward slightly. Aaron realized that he must be quite drunk. If he was still taking his medication he shouldn’t have been drinking at all. Aaron wanted to tell him to come home.

The bloke with him stood up too, following Robert, they both threaded their way across the room.

Aaron stepped towards them. When Robert saw Aaron, he flinched as their eyes met, then he looked away and continued to walk through the crowded room.

Aaron stepped after him.

‘Robert, wait. We need to talk.’

Robert turned. ‘Just go home, Aaron.’ Robert turned to the lad with him.  ‘Sorry, what was your name, again?’ He put a hand on the bloke’s waist and continued walking.

Aaron started breathing heavily, watching Robert.

Robert looked back at him. He moved his arm to the lad’s shoulder and stroked his face with his thumb, lingering on his beard.

He spoke loudly to be heard over the bar’s music and chatter. ‘Oliver? Oliver! Let’s go outside and get to know each other better!‘

Turning he steered the lad to the exit then walked with him up the stairs.

Aaron hesitated.

He wondered if Robert was just doing this because he was there, just to wind him up, or would he have done this anyway if Aaron hadn’t followed him here to the bar? Whatever the case, he wasn’t going to let this happen.

When he stepped outside, his heart pounded as he saw that Robert had already pushed the lad against the wall and was leaning forward into a kiss.

‘Robert!’ Aaron shouted at him.

Robert broke off.

‘You going to be all pervy and watch are you? That get you off will it?’ He sneered.

The lad, Oliver, pulled him back by the lapel of his leather jacket.

He leaned in to resume the kiss.

Aaron, shaking reached a hand to his shoulder.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ Robert turned in annoyance and shrugged him off.

‘Robert, for God’s sake. You don't want this.’

‘I apologize for my ex cheating boyfriend. Where were we?’

He pressed his pelvis forward against the boy as he moved in for another kiss.

And Aaron decided it was enough.

In one fluid move, he pulled Robert round and landed his perfect fist in his face, taking in Robert's startled eyes as they widened at the approaching blow.

Robert staggered backwards shocked by the force of the punch, then steadied himself, clinging to Oliver's shirt.

‘Wh…what you doing?’ He asked, but with no time to answer, Aaron hit him again, this time using more force in his fist so that he could knock him to the ground, which was where Aaron felt he belonged at that moment. He watched him fall, blood spreading onto his chin from his lips.

‘You are not doing this!’ Aaron breathed through his teeth, ‘I won’t let you do this.’ He turned to the lad, Oliver and apologized. ‘Sorry, mate.’

Oliver, obviously concerned for his own face, spread his arms and backed away.

Robert tried to get up and Aaron hit him once more, at which Robert rolled on his back and lay with his arms half up to shield his face.

‘You going to kill me now?' He choked on the blood now pouring from his nose as well as his mouth. 'That your plan is it?'

‘No, you have to talk to me. My plan is to take you home and talk about what happened!’ Aaron said between gritted teeth.

'Yeah, 'cos you're so big on talking!' Robert choked back at him.

The sarcasm wasn't lost on Aaron.

Robert looked up at Aaron who looked back at him in silence, both of them panting from their roles in the beating.

‘I let you in, but you broke my heart, Aaron!’ Robert said finally... simply... quietly.

Aaron bent down next to him and wrapped his arms around him, pulling his head into his chest.

‘I know!’

‘You can hit me a thousand times, but you can’t hurt me anymore than you already have.’

‘I want to fix it.'

He helped Robert to his feet.

‘Show’s over,’ he said to the small crowd of onlookers.

Aaron took out his phone and called a taxi to take them home.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert goes back to the cottage with Aaron and they try to make up for what Aaron did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW mention of blood and very brief mention of self-harm

‘You sobered up, then?’  

Aaron reached for the cotton wool and antiseptic to clean up Robert’s face.

‘If I’d sobered up, I wouldn’t be here.’

Robert sat on a chair, looking out at the night outside the kitchen window, while Aaron stood in front of him.

He raised his face with a grimace, allowing Aaron to clean off the blood with the cotton wool.

‘This might sting,’ Aaron warned.

As he leaned forward, his legs pressed slightly against the inside of Robert’s thighs.

He tried not to think about only ten days ago, the day before the birthday party, coming indoors after a long drive in the back lanes, the same chair, teasing and kissing and shedding clothes, Robert joking about farm laborers seeing them through the window, then straddling him, building it slow and steady, Robert’s hands on his hips, open mouth hot against his neck.

There was a cut across Robert’s nose and his bottom lip was split. He could see blood in Robert’s mouth when he parted his lips.

‘I didn’t knock a tooth loose or anything, did I?’

Robert reached up a hand and pulled down his lip, running a finger along his gum and bottom teeth. He could still taste some blood, but his teeth felt firm and intact, though his lower gum was definitely cut and sore, and the inside of his lip was tender.

‘It’s just the gum. It’ll heal,’ he said. He picked up the bag of ice from the table and held it against his cheek and nose.

Aaron looked down.

‘Sorry,’ he eventually muttered, ‘I just couldn’t…,’ he hesitated ‘...let you do - what you were going to do with that lad.’

‘Was that your excuse, then? Being drunk?’ Robert asked.

‘No’ Aaron said quietly and Robert shook his head with a sneer.

‘I’ll tell you what happened…’ Aaron started.

Robert looked Aaron in the eyes.

‘Don’t! Really! I’m not ready to hear it.’

Aaron nodded. This was hard. It felt like they were stuck in a game, waiting to unlock the next level. If he could explain to Robert what happened with Liam then they would be able to move on.

The blood from Robert’s face had dripped onto his shirt and dried there.

Aaron began to undo the button’s starting under the collar, intending to take the shirt off. He was three buttons down, watching Robert’s lips part, when suddenly Robert grabbed his wrist with his fist and held him tight to stop him.

Aaron understood.

He dropped his hands slowly, stepping back, exhaling, and let Robert continue instead, watching his fingers as they fumbled with the buttons. As Robert worked his arms out of the shirt, Aaron shifted on his feet at the sight of his bare pale skin.

‘You’re shivering. Why don’t you go and get ready for bed,’ Aaron said softly. ‘I can sleep on the sofa if you want.’

Robert stood up, he had goose bumps from the cold. He moved past Aaron towards the stairs.

‘Yeah. Good idea.’

‘Throw me down a cover, then, will you?’

Retrieving the eiderdown, he stripped to his boxers and T-shirt and pulled it over him on the sofa.

At least Robert was home. He hugged his arms around himself, trying not to think of Robert alone upstairs.

 

Aaron hastily pulled on his jeans to open the door to Victoria in the morning. She raised her eyes at the sight of the bedding on the sofa.

‘OK. I’m not going to ask. But well, at least he’s here, isn’t he?’

Robert appeared on the stairs at her voice, running a hand through his uncombed hair.

‘Just can’t shake you, can I?’ he complained to Victoria.

‘Oi, you! A bit of gratitude would be appreciated! I’m on the early shift at the Woolpack and so I’ve gone out of my way to bring you your stuff back and your medication.’ 

She held up his sports bag, then noticed his face.

‘Ohmygod! What happened? Aaron? What did you do to my brother?’

She looked from one to another of them.

‘Well that looks a bit one sided. Can’t you fight back?’  She said to Robert.

 Aaron fought to suppress a smile. Surely Victoria knew by now that Robert was soft in a fair fight?

‘He didn’t try,’ he defended Robert to his sister.

Victoria raised her eyebrows.

‘Anyway, Robert, I’d be grateful if you could stay put this time. Adam and I never know if you’re coming or going. So if you two could kiss and make up, all our lives would be a lot easier.’

Aaron blushed.

‘I’ll go now.’

‘Yeah. Think that’s for the best. And could you just keep your nose out of my business from now on?’ Robert called after her.

‘Charming!’ She called back over her shoulder.

As the door closed behind her, Aaron and Robert faced each other.

‘She did tell me you were at Bar West in all fairness,’ Aaron told Robert.

‘That’s exactly what I’m talking about.’ Robert snapped at him, and turned to go back up the stairs.

‘Good morning to you, too, yeah?’ Aaron called after him. ‘So, I’ll see you after work?’

‘Don’t count on it,’ Robert fired back.

Aaron snorted. He decided it would be better to give Robert some space rather than to stay and have them build up into a full blown argument so early in the day. Obviously Robert was suffering from a hang over which wasn’t helping. He quickly dressed in the rest of his clothes discarded from the evening before, then grabbing his car keys left for the scrap yard.

 

When Aaron got home from work in the evening, the front door was locked and the cottage was empty. He sat down heavily on the couch, still wearing his jacket and put his hands up over his face. So Robert had gone. Aaron had really wrecked everything and only had himself to blame. He could feel tears beginning to well in his eyes.  He deserved this. He was the one, the one who had hurt Robert. Robert had been so ill. What could he expect? Robert was right to hate him for what he’d done.

He just wasn’t sure how to repair this anymore.

And then he heard the sound of an engine. From the window he saw Robert get out of his car and open the boot, taking out bags of groceries from the supermarket.

Aaron let out a sob and wiped his eyes quickly, leaping up from the sofa, just in time for Robert to open the door and walk in backwards hands full, spilling into the cottage with the fresh air carried by the blustery spring weather.

‘There’s more in the car, if you want to give us a hand?’ Robert called to him on his way through to the kitchen.

‘Sure! Course!’ Aaron answered, already on his way to the door.

Robert turned and scanned his face.

‘Aaron?’

But Aaron was out of the door on the path to the car, without answering. He paused over the open boot, wiping his eyes again. He allowed himself to breathe out with relief.

They both unloaded the shopping in the kitchen together.

‘There’s a match tonight, isn’t there? So I got you some beers. If you want to watch it with me, that is. You might prefer to watch with Adam. I don’t know what the two of you might have arranged.’

At that moment, more than anything Aaron longed to hold onto Robert’s shirt and pull him close.

‘Of course I want to watch it with you.’

 

Aaron’s adrenaline was high. They were on the sofa, side by side, but keeping enough distance not to touch. Aaron was on his third beer, while Robert was taking it steady, just starting a second. The match was fast paced and exciting and they were both enjoying it.  The score was 2-2 with fifteen minutes still left to play.

Aaron was up and down in his seat and giving it a lot of mouth.

He could feel Robert’s eyes on his face, watching him. Aaron wanted to kiss him so badly. The beer helped. The football helped. He leaned forward, heart hammering.  When Robert didn’t move away, Aaron closed his eyes and pressed his lips very gently against his, extra careful because of the bruising and cuts on his face and mouth. He kept his lips there pressing softly. He could hear the commentator’s excited voice rising in volume; they were setting up to score another goal, but Aaron kept his eyes closed. He parted his lips and searched for Robert’s tongue. When he heard a low moan from Robert’s throat, he put a hand up to his chest and pulled back for a moment.

‘Bedroom?’ He asked quietly.

‘I haven’t forgiven you.’ Robert pulled back.

Aaron swallowed, he was going too fast, but he could sense Robert's hesitation.

‘Rob, let me touch you. It’s just us. Nothing’s changed,’ he whispered.

He could hear Robert panting and see the doubt in his eyes.

The nod was almost imperceptible, but he saw it.

So he moved his hand so slowly under Robert’s T –shirt at his waist, onto his stomach, his skin hot to the touch, and let it rest there, just his fingers moved gently stroking the soft skin.

After a while, he dared a glance at Robert’s face. His eyes were closed so he leaned forward again, back into the kiss, moving his mouth down gently over the line of his bruised jaw then back to his lips.

He let his fingers push below the waistband of the jogging pants, exploring.

The commentator started to discuss a penalty about to happen.  Someone had been sent off and the team was having to go on with one less player.

‘Come on, Robert.’ Aaron whispered. ‘Lie down for me.’

Robert shuffled down. Aaron peeled off his top and then took the hem of Robert’s and pulled it over his head. He lay over Robert to kiss him again feeling their skin touch and Robert’s hands roaming over his body. He fought to control the smile that was bubbling to his lips, listening to Robert humming from his throat.

The game had gone into extra time.

Aaron pulled off Robert’s jogging pants and boxers. He groaned at the sight. Robert reached for him hungrily and helped him undress too.

‘Robert … I ...’

‘Don’t speak now,’ Robert gasped.  ‘I’m going to turn over. Get the lube. I can’t wait.’

After, they lay in each other’s arms. The match was long over and there was a police thriller playing on the TV.

‘Did you get the final score?’ Aaron asked, kissing Robert’s shoulder.

‘No idea!’ Robert raised his eyebrows. 'I thought I was the final score. How will you explain missing the end of the match to Adam?’

 

In the night, Aaron woke up realizing once again Robert wasn’t in bed.

He went downstairs quickly.

‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you,’ Robert raised his head as Aaron walked into the kitchen. He was heating a saucepan of milk, wearing one of Aaron’s T-shirts over pajama bottoms with one of Aaron’s hoodies he must have taken from a drawer in the bedroom to keep the cold at bay. Aaron couldn’t suppress the smile that forced its way to his mouth on seeing Robert in his clothes.

Robert's bruised cheek had started to change from red to a deeper purple. Aaron wanted to stroke his thumb gently over it.

‘I couldn’t sleep. Mum, Sarah, used to make us hot milk when we were kids, if we couldn’t sleep.’

Aaron nodded.

‘You want some?’

‘Yeah. Thanks. I’ll light the fire, eh?’

Robert brought the drinks and they sat side by side, looking at the flames flickering and taking hold in the fireplace. Aaron pulled a blanket up over their lower halves. They sat quietly. Aaron noticed Robert wincing with pain from his mouth as he drank.

‘There’s something about this place,’ Robert said. ‘I think it’s because it’s a bit like where I grew up.’

‘Yeah?’ Aaron asked looking around at the stone walls and leaded windows. ‘It’s nothing like where I grew up.’

‘No?’ Robert looked at him closely. Sometimes Aaron felt like he was a specimen under a microscope the way Robert scrutinized him. He shifted attention back to Robert.

‘So is that good then? Where you grew up’

‘Mostly good,’ Robert answered. ‘This is better.’ He added.

Aaron could feel Robert’s eyes on his lips again. They both leaned into the kiss.

When they parted Robert looked into Aaron’s eyes.

‘Tell me. I know you want to tell me, so tell me then.'

Aaron swallowed. He spoke rapidly. He'd been waiting so long to get this over with.

‘It was just once, it was so quick and then I left. No talking, no touching. Just, well, you know mindless.’

Robert nodded. Aaron saw his chin start to shake and took his hand.

‘Why then?’ Robert sobbed.

‘I don’t know. You were in the hospital and they’d put you under supervision. They’d locked you in and I thought it was my fault. I just felt so lost without you. Robert, this is really no excuse and I’m just telling you because I want you to know everything, but I wanted to cut again. I knew that if I did I’d make things worse. And then he was just there and it sounds stupid, but it was like, I did it to hurt myself because I knew it was wrong. That doesn’t make sense but at the time it sort of did.’

‘You hurt me.’ 

Robert was crying.

‘I know, I know. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and undo it. I really do.’

Leaning forwards he rested his forehead against Robert’s.

Robert blew air out from his cheeks.

‘I’m just afraid. If I get ill again would you do it again?’

‘Never. I swear. Believe me.’

'Okay, then. It's done, and I forgive you. Let's forget it.'

Aaron breathed out in relief. They would be alright after this.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert lights a bonfire. Adam calls with some terrible news. What will Robert and Aaron do?

Aaron was thankful for the smaller bed, that no matter how he lay or turned in the night, his body was always in contact with Robert’s.

Often, after sex, they’d fall into a short sleep. For Aaron, now he’d got him back, there was nothing more perfect than the weight of Robert lying across him. Robert was all long heavy limbs and smooth moist skin that he could trace endlessly with his fingers.

They’d wake and do a toilet run, naked together, pushing each other out of the way with hands, elbows and hips, teasing each other, competing about who got to be first to pee, who got to be first to use the sink to wash and to brush teeth. Then they’d rush back to the warmth under the covers of the bed.

Sometimes they decided to dress in pajamas, because, after all, this was a cottage and the air was cold, but mostly they slept naked.

Aaron would set the alarm on his phone then they’d kiss, always, a kiss goodnight.

Robert would push his face into Aaron’s neck.

Occasionally at night he’d still kick.

Aaron usually slept last and woke first, listening to Robert breathing.

 

It was still windy outside. Not the best weather to light a bonfire. Aaron warned against it. But he could see that look in Robert’s eyes, you couldn’t reason with him when he got that look.

He opened the back door from the kitchen opening onto the garden. Of course Robert was right. It was a tip and seriously neglected. It needed clearing, sorting out.

‘Just be careful! Don’t set the house on fire or anything!’

Robert laughed through his nose and looked away.

Aaron paused

‘What? What was that look about?’

His mind drifted to Katie’s caravan.

He got an uneasy feeling, but he couldn’t say why.

‘Nothing.’

Robert took a zippo lighter out of his jeans pocket.

‘I didn’t know you had a lighter?’ Aaron observed.

‘Well, you don’t know everything about me.’ Robert teased.

It was innocent, but didn’t help Aaron. He recalled Robert’s words about Chrissie, all that time ago. ’She doesn’t need to know everything about me.’  Why did Aaron feel like Robert was hiding things?

He pulled Robert towards him, gripping onto the front of his sweater, and placed a soft kiss on his mouth.

‘What don’t I know?’ He smiled, swaying. ‘After last night, I thought I’d learned you inside and out, so if I missed something, now’s as good a time as any to show me.’

Robert returned the kiss, swaying with Aaron, closing his eyes and smiling.

 

It was the second weekend since they’d officially made up. Aaron knew that Robert was getting restless. He needed to work, that was the main issue. He would watch Aaron leave for the scrapyard each morning, and each morning his anxiety level rose.

‘You’re an amazing business man. So you’ll start your own business. Just give it a little bit longer. When you’re properly recovered.’

‘I am properly recovered!’

But Aaron knew that still wasn’t quite true.

He knew that when he called in the afternoons from the scrapyard, more often than not Robert would be sleeping. He knew that he still had issues with his short term memory so he would forget arrangements they made and then deny them angrily, frustrated with himself. And there were still situations that could trigger an anxiety attack, crowded places, when they went to the cinema and the lights went down. And he hated himself for it.

So when he woke up with a plan to clear the garden, Aaron was glad he had a project to stop him getting bored.

‘It’s going to be summer soon enough, and we’ll want to have barbecues and that. You’d like that, Aaron, a beer in the garden.’ He said leaning on his elbow in bed, looking down at Aaron.

‘Suppose.’

‘So let’s get it cleared up, and we can light a bonfire.’

‘It’s too windy for a bonfire. It’s dangerous.’

‘No, it’s not. Trust me.’

So Robert had lit his bonfire. Aaron had fetched a metal canister from the scrapyard to burn stuff in and then had watched the grey smoke billow over the garden.

It was a good job they didn’t have any close neighbors, and the farm buildings that their cottage was attached to were a good distance away, too. Aaron could hear a couple of farm dogs barking in the wind, probably smelling the smoke.

‘See.’ Robert said. ‘Doesn’t that look better already?’

They drank a cup of tea, standing up in the kitchen.

‘You’re sure it’s out?’

‘Why are you such an old woman about this?’

‘Listen mate, I’m the one that nearly lost my business to fire if you recall.’

‘I lost my mother.’

‘Oh God. Rob. I’m sorry… I should’ve thought.’

‘Lighten up, Aaron. The fire’s out.’

Aaron managed a smile.

‘Well, you stink! Your hair, your skin. Don’t sit anywhere in those clothes, either. They’ll need to go straight into the washing machine!'

‘Is that right?’

Robert pulled him close.

‘You know the answer to that, don’t you?’

Robert tucked Aaron’s hand under his arm and led him upstairs to the bathroom.

They showered together, Aaron laughing as he washed Robert’s hair, until the water on Robert’s red lips took his breath away and he had to kiss him, slowly, taking his time to move his tongue deeper and deeper, till he could feel Robert’s chest rising and falling quickly under his hand. Aaron turned Robert round in the water and kissed his spine, watching the water stream over his pale skin, counting the freckles there. Robert’s sweet groans echoed in the bathroom as Aaron pushed inside him. When they came together, Aaron swore loudly and at length, making Robert laugh. After, they kissed for a long time with their eyes closed, listening to their breathing and the water falling.

‘We’re going to have to pay a fortune for the water bill.’ Robert grinned.

After they dried off they went to bed for a snooze.

‘I love having shower sex with you.’ Robert whispered, his head on the pillow.

‘I know.’ Aaron laughed back. ‘You know, when I was in prison, the showers had curtains, although not all prisons do. One time, two men had sex in the shower next to mine. I could hear them.’

Robert was surprised. Aaron so rarely spoke of prison.

‘Did it turn you on?’

‘No. But I just remembered.’

‘We’re they gay or just prison gay?’

‘’I don’t know. I didn’t know anything about it. Just what I told you.'

‘Were you like, worried in prison? About homophobia? About being picked on?’

‘No. I shared a cell with another gay bloke. That’s what they sometimes do, put gays together.’

‘Sounds a bit weird.’

‘I think the idea is just to keep you safe.’

 

Robert woke up first. It was late afternoon.

He dressed quietly in clean clothes and went downstairs to put the kettle on to make a cup of tea for Aaron.

He wondered if Aaron would want to get fish and chips from Hotten tonight. He hadn’t been back there since his birthday, but he needed to face it sooner or later.

He looked at his zippo lighter on the kitchen table, then picked it up and put it away in the drawer.

They could go to the Woolpack after. It would be good to be social on a Saturday night when the pub would be packed with the locals and visitors too.

When the kettle boiled Robert poured the tea. He opened the fridge for the milk then glanced at his phone. There were three missed calls from Adam. He frowned. Why would Adam be calling him? He’d usually call Aaron. He’d just pressed call back when Aaron appeared in the doorway.

His phone was to his ear.

‘Woah, mate, slow down… slow down… what? Where are you?’

Robert’s heart started pounding as he saw the shocked expression on Aaron’s face.

‘They’ve arrested Vic? How… how can that be possible?’ Aaron ran his hand through his hair.

‘For what?’

‘For arson?'

‘I don’t understand.’

He raised his face to Robert and Robert saw his mouth falling open with shock.

‘Liam’s … house? Robert’s birthday? Robert... no mate. It can’t have been Robert…. He would have… ’

All the color drained from Aaron’s face as he looked into Robert’s eyes.

He slowly turned his back to Robert and spoke quietly to Adam, trying to reassure him.

‘Listen, mate, we’ll be there as soon as we can. Just hold on. I’ll call you back.’

Aaron put down his phone. He didn’t turn round, Robert watched his knuckles go white as he gripped the sides of the table.

He waited.

‘What…did…you…do…Robert?’ Aaron’s voice was barely a whisper.

‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t let him get away with it.’

‘You used Vic’s car?’

‘Yes.’

Aaron turned around. His voice was shaking.

‘And you never told me.’

‘No’

‘How? How did you do it?’

‘I made a Molotov cocktail and threw it into the bathroom window. It had to be the bathroom, that’s where Liam said you did it... shower sex.’ Robert spat out the words.

Aaron felt his tears surface.

‘You could have killed someone.’

‘I wanted to kill him.’

‘I can’t believe this is happening to me again.’ Aaron raised his eyes. ‘This is like Adam, all over again, only worse.’

Robert didn’t say anything.

‘They got the car on CCTV. That’s why they’ve arrested her.’

‘Poor Vic. I have to go and get her out.’

‘How are you going to do that?’

‘I’ll have to tell them the truth.’

‘Robert. You’ll go to prison.’

‘I’ll get a good lawyer. I’ll think of something.’

Aaron spread his hands to plead with Robert.

‘You’ll go to prison! Please, let Vic manage. They’ll let her go. They won’t be able to prove anything.’

‘She’s my sister. I'm sorry Aaron. I can’t leave her there and do nothing.’

Robert had his car keys in his hand.

‘Either I drive, or you drive me.’

‘Please, please Robert. I’m begging you. Arson is such a serious offence. You could get ten years. Please, I love you. For us, don’t do this. This… this is our life!’

‘Aaron. Are you coming with me, or not?’


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert goes to the police station to confess about the arson attack on Liam's home. Aaron is devastated.

 

Aaron sits in the car. Robert is driving and they are going to the police station.

Aaron knows that when they get there, Robert is going to do something stupid. He’s going to confess to arson and he’s going to get charged. And there can be only one logical outcome. Robert will be sent down. He will be locked up tonight waiting for the magistrate’s court hearing. And Aaron will go home alone.

So Aaron is thinking fast because there has to be a way to stop this disaster that right now feels like it’s hurtling towards them, like a meteor about to hit their world and plunge them into darkness.

 

Aaron looked at Robert’s face. His jaw was set and his eyes were fixed on the road. Aaron was suddenly startled out of his thoughts by his phone. It was Adam calling.

‘We’re on our way, Adam. What’s going on?’ Aaron tried to disguise that his voice was shaking.

Robert glanced at him impatiently as he spoke.

‘Put the phone on speaker!’ he hissed. But Aaron ignored him. He needed to try and get back some control over this situation before Robert continued to drive them over this virtual clifftop.

When the call ended he told Robert what Adam had said.

‘So they’re still questioning Vic, but she hasn’t been charged with anything. She has a legal adviser with her from legal aid. She told the police her car was stolen. So she didn’t even mention your name. Adam says they reckon they will have to let her go because they don’t have enough specific evidence. Just the car on CCTV and something about a witness.’

‘So why haven’t they let her go yet?’ Robert frowned.

‘Well, the police are hung up on why she didn’t report the car stolen and how she got it back.’

Aaron hung his head.

‘And because of what happened when she set the house on fire when she was a teenager, when she was trying to find out the truth about your Mum. The police are arguing that the arson is in character. They’re just trying to figure out a motive.’

Robert shook his head angrily.

‘So now you understand me! They’ll pin this on her if they can, or at the very least she’ll end up charged with perverting the course of justice!’ He turned his head and looked at Aaron. ‘Like you were, Aaron. Remember? I just can’t let Victoria go through this!’

‘But… if she isn’t charged then there’s no need for you to confess! ‘   Aaron argued. He shook his head. ‘Why would you risk this? Us? Everything? When they’ll just release her in the end.’

Aaron knew he was battling in vain. He could see from the way Robert’s face had hardened that there was no way he was going to listen to reason right now.

He was hit by a wave of nausea. Robert would go to prison.

But Robert couldn’t go to prison, could he?

There were a number of reasons why he couldn’t go to prison. First of all, with some small miracle of fate, he had never been to prison in his life. He’d been arrested, yes, questioned yes, but he’d always managed to make it out of there before being charged, using quick thinking and his sweet ole’ Robert Sugden charm to talk his way out of a corner.

He wasn’t like the Dingles. There was almost always a handful of Dingles inside at any one time, as Robert would be the first to point out, most likely with a sneer that would rile Aaron up, and have him walking away because he wasn’t quick enough to think of an appropriate put down to correct Robert on this particular topic. Dingles could fight their way out of trouble, no problem, but not talk their way out, or think their way out. So inevitably they’d end up inside. But the Dingle fighting spirit also kept them safe inside, too.

Which was the second reason Robert couldn’t go prison.

Aaron knew that Robert couldn’t go to prison cos he was soft.

If being alone was Robert’s biggest fear, prison was that fear embodied. Alone and apart from family, from friends, prison was the nightmare, the monster under the bed, the vampire at the door for Robert. Aaron privately blamed Robert’s father, sending him away when Max King died to protect him from going to prison. The message given to Robert was that he wouldn’t be able to survive if he found himself there. Aaron could never forget after Katie died, Robert standing with his wedding suit, and his hand in his hair. ‘I’m going to prison!’ he’d said and the horror and disbelief in his voice.

So Aaron had helped him cover up the crime. He’d helped him cos he loved him, despite the manipulation. He’d do anything to protect him if he could. And especially now when the one thought he’s trying to control is that this was all his own fault to begin with.

Robert unlocked his phone with one hand and handed it to Aaron.

'Look for my lawyer’s number. His name’s Clive. Call him for me.'

‘Robert, you don’t need to do this…’ Aaron was running out of arguments. He scrolled down the list of contacts until he found C and then a number for Clive. He pressed call. The call was answered almost immediately.

‘Robert! Good to hear from you. I’m assuming this is a social call on a Saturday night? What’s up?’

‘Um, Hi. I’m Robert’s boyfriend, Aaron. We need your help.’ He stammered.

Clive’s voice changed suddenly.

‘What can I do? Is Robert in trouble?’

‘We’re on the way to Hotten police station. He’s going to confess to arson.’ Aaron’s voice was breaking, talking to this complete stranger.

‘Woah. Slow down.’

Robert gestured to Aaron impatiently with one hand to hand him over the phone.

‘Put the call on speaker!’ He demanded again.

‘Stop the car then!’ Aaron hissed angrily. He went back to his conversation with Clive. 'Could you hold on a minute?’

Robert stopped the car in a lay by, but kept the motor running. He took the phone from Aaron and put it on speaker. Aaron listened and watched Robert’s face.

‘Clive! I need you at Hotten police station. We’ll be there in about 20 minutes.’ Robert said.

‘OK. Listen. I’ll be there as quick as I can. But you’ll need to give me an hour or two.’ There was a pause. ‘I take it you did actually do it, this arson attack, Robert?’

‘Of course I did it.’

‘And why have you decided to confess?’

‘Because they are holding my sister and I can’t let anything happen to her.’

‘OK. Listen. Don’t let them interview you until I arrive. Don’t make the confession. Just tell them that you are going to confess when your solicitor arrives. They’ll give us time to talk and you can tell me everything. But Robert, keep your mouth shut until I get there. Promise me.’

Aaron bit his lip. So at least Robert had a lawyer on his side. Would that make a difference? He looked out into the night.

 

They arrived at the car park in Hotten.

Robert parked the car and took the keys out of the ignition. For a moment they both sat there, side by side.

Robert took Aaron’s hand again. He spoke very quietly.

‘Over there.’ He gestured. ‘That’s where he was when he saw me. He started walking towards me and then, then he took out my watch from his jacket pocket. When I saw it I felt sick, because I knew why he had it, before he even spoke. I knew what he’d done and why. He wanted to get back at me, to hurt me, because I’d taken you from him.’

Robert looked at Aaron.

‘I couldn’t just let him think he’d got away with that. You see that, don’t you?’

Aaron nodded as another tear escaped down his cheek.

‘But, if you go to prison now. He’s won anyway, because he’ll have forced us apart.’

Robert ignored him.

‘Kiss me.’ He whispered.

Aaron leaned over and kissed him. Robert went to open the car door, but Aaron squeezed his hand.

‘Wait.’ He said. ‘Now it’s your turn to listen to me, mate.’

Suddenly he felt calm. This might be the only chance to prepare Robert, and just maybe it would put him off. So he'd tell it plain, like it was.

‘It’s Saturday night. If they lock you up, there’s no induction till Monday, so you’ll just have to figure everything out on the inside by yourself. They’ll take your clothes and give you prison gear, you know, grey sweats and that, they’ll do a quick body check and they’ll take your possessions, but you can keep a bit of cash. You’ll get a number, and you’ll keep the number from then on, no matter what happens. You’ll be in a cell, maybe two or four people. The toilet will be in the cell. You’ll have to get used to that. There’s no privacy. You can buy some soap and shampoo. You can call me. There’s a phone but you have to queue. You need to send me a visiting order or I can’t see you. We’ll have half an hour the first week… '

Aaron stopped talking. He had to battle for breath. He needed to keep control, just to say this one last thing.

‘And, and … please, please keep your head down. Keep your mouth shut!’

He opened his hand.

‘Now give me the car keys. I’ll need a way to get home without you.’

 

Aaron felt like his legs were made of lead as they walked up the steps and into the police station.

Robert said it straight out, even before they saw Adam.

‘I’m here about the arson in Hotten at the Thornbury estate on April 23rd. I…  I did it. I want to turn myself in.’

They were told to wait. Aaron could feel himself shaking, the palms of his hands were sweating. Robert refused to look at him, but when Aaron glanced at him, he looked calm enough. Aaron knew that Robert had this ability to put himself in a zone, where he could shut everything else out. But it was dangerous, it was what had ultimately led to his illness to begin with.

DS Hart appeared. She looked surprised to see them.

‘Robert?’ She asked ‘To what do we owe this pleasure? Couldn’t be connected with Victoria Barton, and a serious case of arson, could it?’

She looked at Aaron. ‘And Aaron here, too?’ Then she turned back to Robert again.

Robert nodded. Aaron watched him and knew this was the moment. This would be when everything changed for them. He felt like his life with Robert was caught in a whirlpool. They swam against the pull of the current, and just as they reached the outer rings and could see the calm water beyond they were pulled back, the centrifuge was too strong, and they were sucked into the deep once again.

‘It was me.’ Robert said simply. ‘I did it.’

‘And why would I believe you?’

‘Because Liam … ’ He faltered and looked at Aaron.  ‘Liam slept with my boyfriend, with Aaron. I found out and I wanted to get back at him.’

‘OK:’ Aaron could see from the expression on the face of DS Hart that she believed him. ‘So are you ready to make a statement?’

‘Not until my lawyer arrives. He’s on his way.’

‘Right. Well, Robert Sugden I am arresting you for arson on a domestic property in Hotten on 23rd April at 01.30 am.You do not have to say anything. But, it may harm your defense if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. You have the right to have a lawyer present when questioned.

Robert I’m going to take you into a custody cell while we wait for your lawyer to arrive.’

Robert walked after DS Hart. He didn’t look back at Aaron.

 

They didn’t let Victoria go all at once and Adam was sitting with Aaron when Clive, Robert’s lawyer arrived. He looked a young 40, handsome, with a powerful energy about him that instilled confidence. When he met Aaron he shook his hand and looked him in the eye, putting a hand on his shoulder.

‘Aaron, it’s good to meet you, though sorry it’s not in better circumstances.’

Clive was shown in to talk with Robert. Aaron waited for the police interviews. After Victoria was released, she and Adam waited with Aaron.

When Clive appeared he walked towards them, stroking a hand across his mouth and Aaron’s heart plunged and his skin felt icy. He mustn’t panic. He needed to stay strong for Robert.

‘So they won’t give him bail because of the seriousness of the offence.’ He said. ‘But Aaron.’ And he held Aaron’s eyes with his own. ‘ We can construct a strong case before we get to the magistrates, so I’ll have him home for you then.’

Aaron nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

‘Meanwhile, let me know if there is anything at all, you need from me.’ Clive added.

 

It was a crowded police station and they were taking him to the cells, now.

Aaron knew, Aaron had been in Robert’s position, so he knew just how fast his heart must be beating with fear, and how the anxiety of being alone would be tearing him up from the inside. He could see from Robert’s set face all the effort of hiding that.

He wanted to hold him and protect him and make the darkness go away.

He needed to kiss him. He didn’t care that this was a public place or that Robert mightn’t want this now in front of everyone.

He stepped forward. The police man who was holding Robert’s arm let him go for one moment.

Aaron held Robert’s face and pulled him into the kiss. He poured his love into it. He wanted the kiss to keep Robert safe. Robert closed his eyes. His skin felt damp and cold.

‘You’ll be alright.’ Aaron said.

Robert nodded back. Aaron understood he didn't trust himself to speak. He patted his arm.

And Robert was taken down the stairs and away.

Victoria was crying after him and right then, right there, Aaron’s heart was broken and his world imploded. Adam pulled him into a hug.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is sentenced for arson. Aaron tries to adjust to Robert being in prison and worries about him being picked on for being bisexual. Robert surprises Aaron.

Robert didn’t speak unless he was spoken to and even then he spoke softly, and kept it brief.

He let himself be guided by Aaron’s words to him. If life had taught him anything, it was to listen to Aaron. He talked a lot of sense.

‘Keep your head down and keep your mouth shut,’ he’d said.

The other inhabitants of his cell were also on charge waiting for their first hearing in the magistrate’s court. Mostly they were scared and anxious, but Robert wasn’t about to make any friends. He wouldn’t on the outside, so why would he here?

For now, he was in a cell with three sets of double bunks. He had the top bunk in the middle of the room, most visible from the door. He was on medical watch, the prison’s decision. Apparently he had Aaron to blame for that, since, according to Clive, he had disclosed his recent suicide attempts to the prison officials. They wouldn’t let him keep his medication himself, but brought it to him and watched him take it.

The top bunk made him nervous with his height and whether he would kick out in his sleep and fall, so he slept in fits and starts. When he closed his eyes he thought of Aaron. He imagined Aaron lying beside him in their bed at the cottage, Aaron’s neck just behind his jaw where his beard ended on white skin, Robert would picture pressing his mouth and nose just there and going to sleep in that calm space. It felt almost real, he could soothe himself to sleep like that. But then he would reach out for Aaron’s fingers and grasping at the nothingness he would remember where he was.

He mustn’t give in to tears. In the dark the other inmates would hear him. He could hear his breath leaving his chest in uneven waves as it was sliced on the shards of his heart, so he pushed his fist in his mouth and thought about the ways Aaron said his name, listening to his voice, until he was calm again.

He thought a lot about his dad. What would he say if he knew that Robert was in prison?

He knew deep down that his life had been hurtling him forward to this point. This had been waiting for him ever since Max King died. It had only ever been postponed and now it had to happen. Andy had said it too. He’d said it about Katie. Justice, catching up with him. This was his fate. He had to pay. Wasn’t that what his black dog had really been about all along? Facing up?

 

Aaron passed Clive a mug of coffee and sat down opposite him at the kitchen table.

There was still quite a wind blowing outside, so that through the window they could see the tree tops bending and then straightening up again, only to be bowed over again, even lower, as a new gust hit them.

Clive had asked to come to the house.

He wanted to get a detailed a picture as possible of what was going on in Robert’s life for the case, and he wanted to see Aaron.

‘Wow! This is charming!’ He commented on the cottage as Aaron took him through to the back.

‘We like it. Robert had a big say in the décor and stuff before we moved in,’ Aaron shared. ‘We don’t own it like, it’s just rented.’

Aaron watched Clive take a sip of the coffee.

‘Sorry mate, did you want a biscuit or something?’ He stood up suddenly.

‘Aaron, sit down.’ Clive looked at him intently, and Aaron felt his legs suddenly fail him as he sank back down on the chair.

‘How is he?’ Aaron asked. Three little words. Only Aaron could know the pain stored up behind them.

His head bowed and his shoulders shook as the tears he’d been holding back engulfed him.

Clive quickly reached across the table and took Aaron’s hand, wrapping his fingers around Aaron’s in a firm grip.

They stayed like that a long time while Aaron allowed himself to cry in front of this stranger, who sat silently holding his hand. Just the sound of the wind and a dog barking.

Eventually Aaron spoke, still fighting for breath. ‘Sorry,’ he said through his tears.

‘I just can’t bear to think of him all alone there. I’ve been inside, myself. I know what it’s like.’

‘You love him very much.’ Clive still held Aaron’s hand.

Aaron nodded.

‘Well he loves you, very, very much too. His main concern at the moment is you. He asked me to tell you.’

Aaron nodded as another sob escaped him.

He breathed out, trying to calm right down. Clive kept his eyes fixed on him.

‘Aaron, he had something he specifically wanted me to say. He was very anxious that you would blame yourself. He told me to tell you this is not your fault.’

‘But it is my fault isn’t it? All of it.’ Aaron rolled his eyes despairingly.

‘Aaron, Robert’s right. We’re all responsible for the choices we make and Robert is responsible for his own actions. End of. You did something regrettable, maybe it was wrong, it hurt you both, but it wasn’t illegal, Robert did something a lot more terrible. What if he’d actually killed someone?  By all accounts Liam had younger siblings.’

‘I thought you were on Robert’s side?’

‘Believe me, I am always on Robert’s side. On both your sides. What I know is that if you let guilt eat you up about this, no matter what the outcome of the court case for Robert, your relationship may not survive.’

Aaron nodded. Clive released Aaron’s hand with a gentle pat.

‘So shall we talk about this case?’

Clive explained the details. Robert had made a confession, and he would put in a plea of guilty at the magistrates court. Because of that he was already technically a convicted criminal, different in status from someone presumed innocent. There was no doubt about the seriousness of the case. The case would have to go to crown court for sentencing.

‘Robert will get a prison sentence, Aaron. But we will try to persuade the court to keep it as short as possible.’

Clive explained the mitigating circumstances.

‘It’s a first offence so there are no aggravating factors of previous convictions. It was motivated by jealousy so we can argue that it was uncharacteristic behaviour triggered by emotion surrounding the event. Most significantly we have his recent illness with depression and the treatment he’s received. Finally we have a guilty plea. This could gain us a reduction of the custodial sentence by a third.’

‘We can also provide a good picture of his home life, here with you, his family and the support he can expect. We need to convince the court that he will not reoffend, that he isn’t a public danger and that he will be better off at home.’

‘So how long do you reckon he’ll get?’ Aaron bit his lip.

‘It’s hard to say. The most similar case got eight years, but without mitigation for mental illness or the guilty plea.’

Aaron stood up, his hands flew to his mouth in shock.

‘Wh...  What?’

‘Aaron, you know an eight year sentence means serving four years with a four year probation. But don’t worry, with Robert’s medical reports, we’ll get him less. I promise you.’

‘Maybe if there’s a risk of him serving so long, we should get him to change his plea? He could say he confessed because he wasn’t in his right mind. That it was a false memory? We could get him off.  Clive I’m begging you. He won’t survive it. He hates being alone.  And what about the bullying? What happens if he gets victimized?’

‘Aaron.’ Clive spoke. ‘I’ve known Robert for ten years. He’s one of the most resilient and resourceful young men I have ever known. He’ll survive. And so will you.’

 

Chas asked Aaron to go to the Woolpack for his tea. She didn’t want him to be alone at all since Robert had been arrested. 

She’d invited Cain in case he might be able to help.

‘Listen, if Robert changes his plea to not guilty, then he could get out on bail after the magistrates court hearing. I have a friend who could deal with the tag. I could get you both to Ireland and then on to France.’ Cain shared.

‘You what?’ Aaron asked in shock.

‘No, no love. They’d never be able to come home.’ Chas objected.

‘Well I’m just looking at this train wreck here and trying to work out how to help.’

‘Thanks. Honestly. But Robert wouldn’t change his plea, anyway. Not now he’s confessed.’ Aaron said.

‘He could say he was confused because of his mental state.’

Aaron looked at Cain warningly.

Cain stared back.

‘You do know he could be sent down for years. This could carry a ten year sentence, and this is Sugden we’re talking about here, how on earth is he going to survive that? They’ll be all over him inside, a posh queer boy.’

Chas watched Aaron’s face.

‘You’re not helping.’ She murmured seeing the tears in Aaron’s eyes.

‘Well then let me sort this Liam out. What a slime ball he turned out to be. I could arrange something.’

‘No! You mustn’t!’ Aaron shouted.

‘Why not. He deserves it the creep. You don’t still care about him, do you?’

Aaron looked at him in absolute horror.

‘How could you even say that? Cain. Please, just promise me. It could make things worse for Robert. We have to trust his lawyer now. That’s all we can do.’

‘And do you trust him?’

‘Robert trusts him, so I trust him.’

 

Later in the evening, Andy came to the Woolpack and found Aaron.

‘How are you doing mate?’

Aaron shrugged. He was exhausted, but he needed to sleep because tomorrow he would have to go early and queue to visit Robert.

The first visit happened without a visiting order and was a right for all new prisoners in the first three days of being incarcerated, but there was no guarantee of getting in unless you were prepared for a long wait. Clive had told Aaron to take Robert some clothes, something to read, a couple of photos, writing paper and a pen, stamps, a toothbrush, an electric razor, deodorant, shampoo and soap. He’d got them all ready.

He’d worried about the photos. In the end he found a photo Diane had kept of himself with Adam and Vic and Diane and his Mum from their engagement. He saw another one when he was looking which had Robert and Chrissie in it. It was like another life. What upset him was he wanted to take him the photo of them both at the cottage that he’d given Robert on his birthday, before everything had kicked off, but he didn’t dare. Cain’s words echoed in his ears. All at once he hated being gay and then he hated that prison made him feel that way. He hated having to deal with all the hatred and fear just because two people loved each other.

Andy sighed. He’d been inside, too.

‘Listen, Aaron, take my advice. Take Victoria with you tomorrow on your first visit‘

‘Why would I do that?’

‘Because she’ll want to go.’

‘I know, but I need to see him on my own. We have things to talk about.’

‘She loves you both. Let her listen.’

‘He won’t talk in front of her. You know that. He’s her big brother. It’ll all end up being about saving face in front of her. What’s your point, Andy?’ Aaron knew where this was going and he was running out of patience.

‘Then just be careful.’

‘Why don’t you just say it? You mean about giving away that we’re boyfriends? That we’re two men in a same sex relationship?’

‘Yes.’

Aaron stood up and spread his arms.

‘So what are you saying, if he gets four years inside, all that time I can’t kiss my partner? At the next visiting table, oh there’s a nice couple, they get to hold hands for an hour, but not us? And we let society get away with this?’

Andy watched him.

‘I know. I’m on your side Aaron. I’m just saying, it’s a risk, isn’t it? I mean, it could go either way.’

‘They knew I was gay when I was inside.’

‘But you didn’t have a boyfriend visiting you. And you’re not Rob.’

 

Aaron sat at the table, when they brought Robert in. He looked pale, Aaron could see the dark rings under his eyes. He wondered if he was sleeping.

Maybe they could talk to the doctor about sleeping tablets again. He needed to make an appointment with Robert's psychiatrist and psychologist anyway, and they would be providing reports for his hearing.

Aaron stood up nervously, heart hammering. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know whether Robert wanted to touch him or not. Whether he should give him a brotherly hug or no hug at all.

The table was between them, then he saw Robert reach for him and all at once his hands were on Robert’s biceps and he could feel the heat of his body and his heart fluttering between them. And then Robert’s mouth searching for his. At first he flinched away in fear and then he gave in to the kiss, to the heat of his breath and the pressure of his soft lips. The kiss lasted longer than a greeting but not long enough, and suddenly they were sitting down and Robert was holding his hands cupped between both of his.

‘I miss you.’ Robert said.

Three simple words.

‘Why’d you kiss me? What if they pick on you after this? You’re supposed to keep your head down.’

‘I don’t care. Let them pick on me. You’re my boyfriend. ’ Robert answered.

Aaron shook his head.

‘So how is it? I brought you a load of stuff. The guards will give it to you, after, clothes and shampoo and soap and stuff.’

‘Thanks. Did you bring my photo of you in France?’

‘No mate.’

‘Bring it next time.’ Robert smiled and winked and Aaron smiled too, shaking his head at the implication.

‘I can find better ones than that and download them for you.’ He flirted.

‘Nah! I don’t want anyone else seeing those. Just bring me the one from France.It always works for me.’ Robert grinned

How did Robert always know how to lighten him up? Even here, even now on this dreadful day. Aaron felt himself calm down under Robert’s gaze.

‘Everyone sends their love. I saw Vic and Andy and Diane. They want visiting orders after this.’

Robert nodded.

‘And you’re keeping your head down, like I warned you.’

Robert nodded again

‘I saw Clive. He came to the cottage.’

‘Was he helpful?’

‘Very.’

‘He’s very smart. Trust him, Aaron. If you have any problems, talk to him.’

‘Robert, you’re going to serve a good few months.’ Aaron opened his hands. Robert kept hold of them, stroking a finger down the fate line then the love line, on his palm.

‘Maybe years.’

‘No, don’t say that.’

Aaron bit his lip. He was suddenly overwhelmed.

‘For God’s sake don’t cry, Aaron.’ Robert’s grip on his hands suddenly tightened.

Aaron nodded. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t do this.

‘You’re not on your own are you? Is your Mum around? Paddy? Adam?’

‘Everyone’s around.’

Robert nodded.

‘And Clive talked to you? About what I said? About not blaming yourself for this?’

Aaron couldn’t meet his eyes.

‘Aaron, Aaron.’ Robert spoke in his softest voice. ‘Do you know what my biggest nightmare is? What scares me more than anything about being away from you? It’s you blaming yourself? It scares me so much. You wouldn’t do that? Would you? Because if I made you suffer like that, I couldn’t bear it.’

‘Then how do you think I can bear this? I did this? I’m the reason you’re in here!’

‘Don’t start this again. I did this, me! I’m the one to blame. Not you. Not anybody else. And I’m the one who’s going to pay. Really Aaron. I want to pay this time. I want to pay and get it done and over with. You know me.’

Robert lowered his voice to barely a whisper.

‘I’ve done things and walked away. I want this Aaron, but you can’t get hurt again because of me. So promise me, promise me you’ll stop blaming yourself. Actually, I want you to see a counselor every week until I get out of here. I want to pay the bill. I want to see the appointments. I’m going to talk to Clive about it.’

‘Don’t be daft. You don’t have to talk to him about everything.’

‘Then let me take the blame. Get angry at me.’

They were allowed to hug and kiss goodbye. Robert put a hand to Aaron’s face and stroked his cheek, for a moment when they kissed he let his tongue touch Aaron’s before pulling away.

From the corner of his eye, Aaron noted a couple of inmates looking at them. He hoped that Cain and Andy were not going to be proved right.

 

It took fourteen weeks before the case came before the magistrates and another three weeks before sentencing in the crown court. An entire summer come and gone. Robert worked with Clive and the probation officer to put together his report for the crown court sentencing.

Aaron visited Robert every week. He watched him become thinner and more sullen, sitting opposite him in long sleeved T-shirts, sometimes sitting with his body at an angle to the table like he was ready to get up and leave. Robert didn’t talk a lot about life inside. Towards the magistrate’s court plea hearing, he didn’t talk a lot about anything. Aaron eventually obliged him by becoming angry.

Part of him understood. When you’re inside you learn to keep yourself to yourself, it’s a self-defense mechanism but it slowly becomes a way of interacting that gets hard to switch off. Especially when the alternative in just for one hour every week. And they also knew that, because of the guilty plea, Robert wasn’t going to get bail, so there was nothing to look forward to, no respite.

They always greeted each other with a physical embrace and a kiss. But Robert’s hold became tighter and briefer and his lips were dry.

‘So are people treating you OK? Tell me about how it is for you. You’re keeping yourself to yourself?’

‘How do you think, Aaron? Everything’s fine.’

He knew Robert had been moved to a less crowded cell of four, rather than six, but nothing else.

‘But you don’t tell me anything!’

‘For fuck’s sake. What is there to tell? You’re the one with a life. Don’t ask me questions; tell me stuff, or why bother coming at all?’

Aaron reached for Robert’s hand but Robert pulled away.

‘No!’

Then he regretted it and reached his hand forward, linking his little finger around Aaron’s.

The visitor’s hall was hot in the summer heat wave. Wives and girlfriends visited with spaghetti strapped T-shirts. Aaron noticed Robert’s eyes wandering, flickering over these women. His stomach clenched with jealousy. Summer was difficult with your blood heated up. He knew, there were more fights, more romances inside in the summer. What was Robert doing? Were the showers private, or did he get to use his fist and a towel after lights out? He would ask straight out and tell Robert how he was coping himself given the right mood, only Robert had closed up on him.

‘Where’s my photo?’ Robert asked.

‘I forgot it.’

‘Every week you say the same thing.’

Aaron was afraid that Robert would attract attention if he had the photo of him on the beach in France. It was a fear in his stomach, so he hadn’t brought it in.

Aaron snapped.

‘Because you haven’t earned it yet! You fucked up, Sugden. You may as well have poured petrol on our home and burnt it down for the amount of grief you’ve caused. Have you any idea how hard this is? It’s not just you being punished, mate! And then I come here and have to listen to your shit.’

Aaron stood up.

‘Are you leaving?’ He saw a mixture of triumph and fear in Robert’s eyes. Robert was still Robert then, trying to manipulate him and succeeding. Aaron bit his lip.

‘I’m going to buy us some coffee.’

 

Aaron always dreaded the goodbye. He was so afraid that one day, one of them would break down. They were trying to be brave for each other. Some days after Aaron left he would cry so he couldn’t drive home and had to pull over on the side on the road instead.

There were documents for families of prisoners telling them how to cope, giving them advice. Keep a calendar, set goals and mark off important days as milestones was one of the ways they were advised to deal with time.

But right now nobody knew how long Robert would be in prison and that was the worst part for both of them.

It was the not knowing.

So now everything hinged on the crown court hearing.

 

Robert wore his suit. Aaron had given it to Clive who'd taken it to the prison. It was shocking to see him look like the old Robert again. He’d had a haircut, too. Aaron couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Robert in a suit. He actually wondered if it was for his own court hearing when he’d been inside for the shooting. He looked so handsome, Aaron caught himself watching his arse and then felt ashamed to have thoughts like that at such an important time.

In the gallery, Robert had the support of not only the Sugden family, but also a whole collection of Dingles and even a couple of Barton family members. Aaron reflected on how their unexpected relationship had brought the families together.

Liam and his family were of course there. Robert, glancing up from the dock, felt sick to see him and frowned. Some instinct made him glance up at Cain who gave him a quiet nod. He nodded back,  then looked down quickly in case the look would be seen by the many eyes focused in on him.

Aaron waited for Robert to make eye contact with him. But he didn’t look at him once. Clive was near him and Aaron watched them talking before the judge came in. For a fleeting moment, Aaron even felt jealous of Clive.

Clive summarized the mitigating factors.

Robert had also written a letter of apology to Liam’s family.

And then all at once the judge was passing sentence. She talked about the seriousness of the crime the threat to life that it posed and that an arson attack of this nature could never be taken lightly. She mentioned the mitigating factors; Robert’s plea, first offence, illness and remorse. And then she announced the sentence.

Two years.

Robert turned directly and looked Aaron straight in the eyes.

He smiled at him. Aaron smiled back and nodded. They could do this. He would serve half of that inside and half at home on probation. They could do a year, less than a year now, more like eight months with the time already served.

And then he was gone.

Everyone was thanking Clive.

Back at the cottage Aaron put up a calendar and chose some milestones.

Robert though had other plans.

 

Aaron got the visiting order almost immediately. The week after sentencing prisoners had the special right to have two visits. For one of them, Robert had sent a visiting order for Aaron to go with Vic and Diane, who were both longing to see him, but first of all it would be just the two of them.

Aaron watched Robert as he stepped into the hall and scanned the tables looking for him. He noticed immediately that his energy had changed. His body language was more assertive and he had a half smirk on his face. He was relieved that, in spite of the weeks that had passed, Robert’s depression seemed lifted. Maybe Robert had been right. He needed this to exorcise all his demons and move on with life. And now they knew the timescale, they could start to look forward to being together once again.

When they embraced, Robert’s eyes closed into the kiss and his hand lingered, stroking down Aaron’s arm as they sat.

‘So, I brought you some stuff. You’ll get it from the guards.’ Aaron smiled softly at him. ‘Some clothes and reading material and that.’

‘You brought me my photo, didn’t you?’ Robert guessed. ‘I earned it then, did I?’

‘I reckon you did. But keep it out of sight, eh?’

Robert told him they’d moved his cell, now he was sharing with one other cell mate, who, yes, was gay.

Aaron had mixed feelings.

‘Is he old or young? What’s he in for?’

‘I don’t know how old he is. He’s in for fraud, embezzlement.’

‘He’s posh? You two will be great company, then.’

‘Are you jealous? Seriously? You’re the one on the outside and you’re jealous?’

Aaron leaned forward and spoke between bared teeth.

‘Yes, mate, because I know what it can be like on the inside.’

‘You said nothing happened when you were inside.’

‘Nothing did but I heard about it. I know what goes on. Everybody does.’

‘Well, you’re spoiling my mood. And I had something much more important to talk to you about. Now I’m not sure I will.’

Robert sat back heavily.

Aaron scowled at him, agitated. This wasn’t how he’d imagined the visit to go.

He was curious about what Robert wanted to talk about, but he wasn’t going to ask.

Fortunately, as usual, Robert caved first.

‘Look! I’ve made a decision about something I want, but the timings not good.’

‘Wh... What do you want?’ Aaron folded his arms.

‘Every night I think, about you and me.’ Robert suddenly spoke softly. ‘About everything we’ve been through, about the mess I made. That I’m still making. And how you put up with me.’

‘You sure you’re thinking about me, then, eh?’  Aaron snapped.

‘Oh God, I can’t do this if you’re going to be like this. Will you just listen, Aaron?’

Aaron nodded.

‘You saved my life, and I’m not talking literally about when you found me in the bathroom at Vic’s or when you called the ambulance that day, I’m talking about all my life. I was lost without you. You know me Aaron, you know everything, but you still haven’t given up on me. ’

‘Why are you saying all this?’

‘I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore.’

‘Wh… What? Aaron sat up, his heart racing suddenly.

‘It’s not enough, Aaron.’

Robert paused.

‘I want to be your husband. I want to marry you.’

Aaron blinked, unfolding his arms. He looked around the hall, wondering if anyone else could hear them.

‘I want you for the rest of my life. And I’m sorry because I know I’m being selfish and you won’t want to look back when we’re old and remember this moment as being here. But maybe this is the best place and time, because this is the end of what went before and the start of something new for us.’

Robert exhaled then wet his lips with his tongue.

‘I’m asking you, Aaron, will you marry me?’

He smiled. ‘I can’t kneel because I’m not allowed.’

‘I don’t know what to say.’

Robert laughed.

‘For fuck’s sake. You can hardly say _no_. Imagine how I’m going to feel going back to the cell. Probably top myself. Say yes and you can tell me you changed your mind later.’

He watched the familiar tears running down Aaron’s cheeks. He reached his fingers out across the table and wiped Aaron’s cheek.

‘Don’t!’ He said softly. ‘How long am I going to have to wait for the answer, Aaron, because the visiting hour will be over soon?’

Aaron laughed through his tears.

‘You know I’m going to say yes!’

‘Then say it! Cos I’m dying here!’ Robert whispered.

‘Yes!’ Aaron said it so quietly, Robert had to strain to hear him.

‘I can’t hear you.’

‘Yes. I will marry you, Robert. Happy now?’

‘Happy.’  Robert smirked.

Aaron shook his head in disbelief.

‘At least Mum and Vic and Diane will be glad we have such a long time to plan the wedding.’

‘No way. I’m not waiting any longer.’

‘Come again?’

‘It’s my legal right to get married. I spoke with Clive. They have to release me to get married and also I get to stay home for a night, with a tag.’

Robert’s eyes were shining.

‘Seriously? ‘

Aaron’s insides suddenly felt like they were melting.

‘Seriously. So you’d better start cleaning the house up, Mr. Sugden to be.’

When the visiting hour was over, Robert gripped Aaron and held him close.

‘I love you, Aaron.’ He said into his ear.

‘I love you, too.’ Aaron answered.

His mouth crashed hard against Aaron’s for a moment.

And then Robert was gone.

 

Robert had asked Aaron to contact Clive about necessary paper work.

‘So, congratulations. How exciting.’ Clive laughed.

‘Thanks.’

They talked about legal work for the marriage.

When they were about to finish the call, Aaron hesitated.

‘So, did you know they moved Robert’s cell?’ He asked.

‘Yes.’

‘So why did they move him, and with another gay prisoner too.’

‘Aaron, you need to ask him. Robert’s my client. I can’t breach confidentiality with him.’

‘Oh my God. Did something happen? Was he being picked on?’

Aaron bit his lip. He thought back to Robert’s behavior during the visits leading up to the sentencing. Christ, how had he missed it?

‘Ask him.’ Clive said.

 


	21. Chapter 21

 ‘I’ve got something for you!’ Victoria was stood on the doorstep, her car parked on the drive behind Aaron’s, ’Can I come in?’

Aaron gestured her inside the cottage, closing the door quickly to the freezing November night air. He showed her into the living room where he’d been sitting watching a match, with just lamp light and the embers from a fire he’d built when he’d first got home from the scrapyard.

‘Well it’s cosy in here.’ She said, unzipping a heavy anorak. She looked more closely at Aaron, seeing some sadness in his eyes.

‘Are you alright?’

‘Yeah. Well. I’m trying to be.’ He answered gruffly, forcing a smile.

‘Why don’t you just go and stay with your Mum?’ Victoria asked. ‘You must get lonely here without Rob. Or you could come and stay with us you know if you wanted. You’d always be welcome. You could have Rob’s old room.’

‘Thanks Vic. It’s good of you. But you know I can’t give up on this place. It’s our home, mine and Robert’s, so I just need to keep it lived in, until he gets out.’

Victoria sat down on the sofa.

‘Anyway, what is it that you’ve got?’  Aaron asked warily.

Victoria smiled.

‘Close your eyes and open your hands and I’ll give it to you.’

‘Seriously?’ Aaron felt uncomfortable all of a sudden.

‘Come on. It’s something nice. Well I think it is.’ She coaxed him.

Aaron held out his hand reluctantly.

He felt something light on his hand, when he opened his eyes he saw it was a red velvet box. He knew that when he opened the box there would be a ring inside. A ring from Robert.

He smiled and all at once blushed, not wanting Victoria to see what this meant to him.

Victoria looked at him encouragingly.

‘Open it then!’

She watched his eyes as he opened the box and saw them glow as he laid eyes on the silver ring, studded with eight tiny diamonds.

‘He said there was a diamond for each month you have to wait for him to come home.’ She shared.

Aaron snorted. ‘The dork. How… how did he get it?’ Aaron asked, still not meeting her eyes.

‘He has his ways. You know Robert. He chose it and then asked me to go and pick it up for you. He said to wear it when you go to the next visiting hour. He wants to see it.’

Aaron nodded.

‘And we’ve got a date, haven’t we. December the first, which is a Thursday.’

Aaron nodded again and smiled.

‘You’re going to be my brother, eh?’ She said, touching his forearm briefly with affection. ‘We’ll all be one big family. Isn’t it amazing?’

 

Aaron lay in the dark in the bedroom at the cottage, listening to the silence broken only by the occasional dog bark from up at the farm, and the distant sound of a motor. He could hear his breathing, or when he swallowed or the sound of his skin brushing against material if he shifted on the sheet.

They’d all tried to persuade him to let the cottage go at one point. Moira had sided with his Mum. ‘You’re seriously going to stay in that lonely old cottage on your own when you could be tucked up at home with your Mum?’

‘The probation officers will want to know where he‘s going when he gets released. It’s good to have a home waiting for him, that’s what Clive said.’

‘He could come here and you can find somewhere else when the time comes. It’s not as if you were in it for any length of time.’

‘But it’s our cottage, our home, mine and Robert's. I’m not giving it up.’

To be fair, he hadn’t spent so much time there. He’d rarely eaten there and there were quite a few nights when he was too tired and the comfort of his old room at the Woolpack too tempting to make the journey back for the night, especially after a couple of beers. But when he had got in his car and driven to the cottage, he’d always had a feeling like he was coming home to Robert, even though Robert wasn’t there. This was their home and their bed. Aaron wanted to keep it warm for him. Now he knew he was coming for the wedding, he stayed there every night.

He shifted in the dark.

The prison family support group had suggested keeping a calendar, marking off milestones and important dates. They hadn’t mentioned weddings. His stomach fluttered at the thought. Did he have doubts? Of course he did! A hundred million of them chasing each other round like galaxies orbiting space.

They were both so fragile, broken, glued together with love but with the cracks showing. They each had the capacity to hurt each other beyond repair.

But did he want this? There was nothing in the universe he wanted more. He wanted Robert. He wanted Robert to be his, and to be by his side, forever. He couldn’t even begin to measure the love he had for him.

Robert would come home and for one night they'd be together.

He tried not to think about it too closely. They’d make love.

Most nights, just thinking about Robert’s body had Aaron’s hand sliding down into his pyjamas. He had his routines, satisfying himself. Oftentimes in the shower at the Woolpack when he got back from work, or on the sofa in front of the fire or in bed here at the cottage. 

Now he could anticipate Robert being here with him, even if it was for just one night. He thought about Robert’s lips, brushing against his own lips softly, teasing.

Keeping his eyes closed, he stroked himself, thinking about Robert and imagining his soft smooth skin sliding over his. Afterwards, he went to the bathroom, shivering in the cold air, before returning to bed and falling quickly asleep.

 

At the next prison visit, Robert looked to see if Aaron was wearing the engagement ring. When he saw it he smiled, the smile reaching the corner of his eyes, so that Aaron smiled back softly to see him look so happy. Prison regulations allowed the prisoners to hug and kiss at the start of each visit and when they said goodbye.

Robert’s lips were soft and warm and his arms slipped round him and stroked his back. Aaron wished they could stay like that longer, just holding each other. Sometimes the separation was so difficult to bare.

 They sank to their chairs opposite each other at the table. Robert took his hand and looked at the ring more closely then looked up into his eyes.

‘Will it do?’ He asked.

‘It’s not bad.’ Aaron let out a shy laugh and looked away. ‘Sorry. I haven’t got one for you, because they won’t let me give you one in here. I asked but they said prison regulations.’ He said softly.

‘Please Aaron. It’s OK.  At least they’ll let me wear the wedding ring. That’s the one that counts, isn’t it.’ Robert answered. ‘You are buying the wedding rings? And you know they have to be just plain bands, for the prison?’

‘I know.’ Aaron smiled again. ‘I suppose every cloud… you know I’d prefer plain anyway.’

Robert pointed out an inmate at another table.

‘Look, Aaron, that’s Lucas, my cell mate.’ He said.

As if he had sixth sense Lucas looked across at them and smiled and gave a small nod in greeting to Aaron.

He looked roughly ten years older than Robert, slim and dark haired with a horse shoe moustache and a slightly receding hair line. He was also with a single male visitor. Aaron wondered if he was his boyfriend, too. Aaron wasn’t able to help a small twinge of jealousy. Even though he would be marrying Robert in just over a month’s time, this was the man he got to talk to at night before sleeping, and in the morning when he woke up.

‘So you two are getting on alright?’

‘Yeah.’ Robert answered. ‘He’s a decent bloke.’

‘Who’s that visiting with him?’

‘His brother.’

Aaron nodded. It hadn’t been the answer he’d hoped to hear.

‘So,’ he ventured at last. ‘Why did they change your cell? I mean, you would tell me wouldn’t you, if you were getting grief or if something had happened?’

He saw Robert blink, surprised by the question.

‘Lucas was being bullied by his cell mates, so they moved him, and then me to be with him. It was sort of a shuffle.’ Robert replied. Aaron looked at him. He knew Robert. He knew he was hiding something, but for now he let it go.

‘I just want you to promise me one thing, Robert, I already spoke to the prison administrators. Can you see the psychologist and tell him about us getting married?‘

Robert pulled in his chin defensively.

‘Don’t look at me like that. You owe me this! The last time we planned a major change was when you ended up on a sectioned ward in hospital, remember? I can’t go through something like that again, Robert. Especially not if you’re here, where I can’t get to you. Please. Promise me.’

Robert shrugged in agreement and Aaron smiled with relief.

Before he left Robert asked if the next visit he could spend some time just with Victoria and Diane so he could get their help with planning the wedding.

‘Why? You can involve me in everything, all the plans and that, can’t you?’

‘It’s just this once. I need to talk with them to go over things. Surely I’m allowed to have some secrets from my husband to be?’  He smiled.

 

After the following visit, Victoria sat him down in the kitchen at the Woolpack.

‘So there are so many things to organize, and it’s just one day and Robert really wants to get it right. He wants you both in midnight blue suits, cos its winter, with white rose buttonholes.’

‘Why buttonholes?’

‘You’ve got to have buttonholes, you wear them over your hearts and they ward off evil spirits that try to stop you from loving each other. I read about it in an article in Perfect Wedding magazine.’

‘What are you going on about Vic?’

‘Robert also asked if you’d arrange with Clive to go shopping for the suits and ties. He said Clive had got all his measurements and that he trusted Clive to choose something appropriate.’

Not for the first time Aaron felt a tinge of jealousy over Robert’s relationship with Clive. They’d known each other for so long and taking suit measurements seemed to be something above and beyond a regular lawyer’s responsibilities.

‘So what’s wrong with Adam or Paddy helping me choose a suit, then?’

Victoria looked back at him in silence.

‘Alright’ he muttered ‘I can see his point.  I just don’t know why he’s making this into such a performance. Why does it suddenly feel like we’re planning for the perfect wedding, and spending all this money, when I thought we were just popping into a registry office on a day out from prison? I don’t know Vic. You and Adam got it right, didn’t you?’

‘You are aware this is Rob you are marrying, Rob with his obsessive and controlling personality traits, because if you’re only just noticing that’s who he is, then maybe you should rethink getting married at all.’

‘Yeah and also Rob who’s so arrogant, and who wants to show off, even when he should know better.’

‘You always think the worst of him.’ Vic protested.

‘No, Vic, You always think the best of him. The truth is probably somewhere in between.’

‘He loves you!’ Vic said her eyes wide open.

 ‘He loves you,’ She continued, ‘and he wants to make a fuss of you. And he’s frightened that because he’s locked up in prison, and this day will happen so fast without him being able to run around and plan it like he wants, that it won’t be good enough for you, and that you won’t be happy.’

Aaron suddenly felt bad. He blew out air from his cheeks.

‘I know. I know Vic. And I love him, I can’t tell you how much. The thing is, I’d be happy to marry him in a barn in overalls, if he could only see it.’

 

Robert walked up and down the cell, his hands in his pockets.

Lucas was lying on his bed on the top bunk, reading a book.

‘Robert, dear, you’re making me dizzy. I thought you were going to the gym this evening.’

‘I went.’ Robert had started going to the gym, continuing his routine from before he was convicted. It was a good way to keep his mood positive and also to get exercise in the prison, where there was less opportunity to move about. But right now it hadn't helped.

Lucas put his book down.

‘So what are you brooding about, then?’

‘I just hate not being able to follow up on anything for the wedding, you know? There’s two weeks to go and I don’t know if everything’s sorted.’

‘Well you’ve got your sister and Clive, haven’t you? From what you told me they both seem highly capable. She’s a caterer and he’s a lawyer after all. Most people would envy your position I imagine.’

Lucas climbed down off his bunk.

‘Come here.’ He said to Robert. ‘Can I sit?’

He sat down on Robert’s bed on the lower bunk, Robert walked up to him.

‘Sit here and let me give you a shoulder rub.’ He said. Robert hesitated.

‘I’m not going to bite you silly, come on.’

Robert sat, and Lucas placed both hands on Robert’s back and rubbed through his T-shirt with a fairly vigorous stroke. It felt good, but being touched was disturbing. Robert found his eyes flickering to the prison door, where a guard could look in with a slide of the grill.

Lucas moved his hands up onto his shoulders and gave them a squeeze and then back down his back, suddenly going lower. Robert stood up.

‘No.’ he said sharply. He noticed his breathing had become light and he’d developed a semi erection which he knew Lucas would see.

‘Robert, sorry, I …’

‘Go back to bed.’ Robert snapped. ‘Don’t ever touch me again. Understand?’

Robert lay down on his side on his bed and closed his eyes. He felt confused and disgusted with himself. He thought of Aaron and then didn’t want to think about him because he didn’t want Aaron sullied with what had just happened, and then he felt lonely. He could feel his breathing getting out of control. He realized that he was starting to have an anxiety attack. His heart accelerated suddenly until his chest fest like it was being squeezed and he was fighting to draw in breaths. The room was lurching round and round. He used all his strength to swing his legs over the side of his bunk, his hands and brow were cold and water started to drip from his forehead, he leaned his head down between his legs and suddenly heard his own voice asking for help,but sounding like it was coming from far away. Then he blacked out.

 

Aaron was asleep on the sofa in the kitchen at the Woolpack. He’d gone there for his tea after work, and he really should have set off back to the cottage earlier, but he’d had a cup of tea and switched on the telly and put his feet up. The next thing he knew he’d dropped off. His Mum and Diane were working in the bar and he was grateful for the background noise as he slipped into a relaxed slumber for a change.

But now he woke. Robert had said his name ‘Aaron’ It was as clear as if he was in the room, his voice leaving an echo in Aaron’s head as if someone had pinged a glass and made it ring out with a crystal note in the air. He sat up suddenly, agitated, a sense of dread gripped him. His Mum walked in the room and looked at him strangely.

‘What’s up?’ She asked sharply.

‘Mum. I think something’s happened.’ Aaron’s voice was shaking.

‘How, love?’

‘Something’s happened to Robert.’

‘Why’d you say that?’

‘I just woke up and he was saying my name, but it was like he was really here. I think he needs me.’

‘Call the prison then, love.’ Chas said, ‘Come on. Have you got the number?’

It took ages for the prison administration to answer the phone, and then even longer for them to take Aaron seriously.

‘So tell us the prisoner’s number, please. So tell us again why you are calling? Did someone contact you? And you say no one has called you or tried to call you? Can we ask you to call again tomorrow during office hours? Can you try and contact the family liaison officer tomorrow during office hours.’

By now Aaron was in tears of frustration, but also starting to doubt himself. It was just a vivid dream, after all.

‘So there’s nothing else you can tell me?’

‘Sorry, wait, sorry, wait a moment love.’ He heard some talking off line.

Then a new person took the line.

‘Mr Livesy?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, there’s nothing to worry about. Your partner Robert Sugden is in the prison infirmary under observation. He fainted in his cell, but he seems OK now.’

‘Why did he faint?’ Aaron asked his voice on edge.

‘I don’t have any more information for you right now.’

'But you're sure he's alright now.'

'Yes. He is resting and comfortable.'

‘Well, could you please check whether he’s seen the psychologist and the psychiatrist? And can you talk to them about his medication? He was supposed to do that. I don’t know if you know we’re getting married in two weeks’ time. It may be related to the stress.’

After Aaron hung up, Chas looked at him. He wiped his eyes, to dry them with his fingers.

‘I’m going to kill him.’ He said.

Chas was silent.

‘He promised me he’d see the psychologist. He’s only gone and had an anxiety attack. This could mean he’s getting ill again. I should never have said yes to this poxy wedding!’ He kicked over a chair and walked out of the room.

 

The next visiting hour was the last visiting hour before the wedding. Aaron and Robert were both pale and irritable.

Robert told Aaron that he had finally seen all the doctors, that he was OK, now.

‘I just don’t believe you could do that to me? How can I ever trust you? You promised!’ Aaron complained with his armed folded, sat back from the table.

‘Did you try your suit?’ Robert asked.

‘Of course.’

‘I bet you look good in it.’ He grinned.

Aaron rolled his eyes and broke into a smile.

 

The night before the wedding while Aaron had some drinks in the Woolpack with Adam, Andy, Paddy, Cain, Sam and others, Robert had an electronic tag fitted to his ankle.

In the morning, Robert paced the cell, not able to regulate his breathing. ‘This is my wedding, and I can’t even get ready properly, how can I face Aaron like this? I want to be the best I can possibly be for him, not have a fucking communal shower, a stupid blunt shave and a stupid electronic tag. It’s going to ruin the line of my suit! This was the worst idea of my life. He’s not going to want me, is he?’

Lucas looked at him. ‘He loves you. He wants you. Or he’d have insisted on waiting till your sentence was over when he could ditch you without the crisis of conscience, or he’d have told you straight away that he wasn’t ready. You described him as the most principled person you know. He knows what he’s getting. And right now that’s a crazy jail bird.’

‘I don’t know. I think maybe I ruined his life. I should cancel the wedding. Better now than for everything to go wrong later.’

‘And would he ever forgive you for that?’

‘I’m going to spend my wedding night with a prison haircut and this tag on my ankle.’

Robert sat down on his bunk and lowered his head, tears starting to appear.

‘You need to wash your face, dear, or your eyes are going to look all puffy on the wedding photos.’ Lucas observed.

So Robert washed his face. All at once he felt calm. This was what he wanted and in a couple of hours he would be with Aaron. The prison guard came to collect him.

‘Bring me a slice of the cake.’ Lucas called after him with a wink.

 

Aaron sat in the car with Adam and Paddy, his palms were sweating, even his hairline was damp, he was about to wipe his hands on his trousers when he realized he would ruin his suit, Paddy noticed.

‘Here’, He passed him a handkerchief. ‘You alright Aaron?’

‘I will be when this madness is over! I hate this! All this fuss, you know me, Paddy.’

‘Well, It's what you get for marrying Robert, isn't it?’ Paddy laughed.

‘Hey.’ Aaron said to Adam suddenly, ‘Where are we going? This isn’t the route.’

‘Don’t worry, mate. There’s been a slight change of plan.’ Adam answered looking back at him from the rear view mirror.

If Aaron had been feeling bad before, now he started to feel physically sick.

‘Adam, stop, stop for God’s sake, really I’m going to have to throw.. ‘

Adam made an emergency stop and in seconds Aaron had the door open and was out bent double, throwing up on the grass verge.  Paddy and Adam were by his side, while sweat dripped from his brow.

‘Sorry, I can’t believe I’m overreacting like this!’ Aaron apologized.

Adam laughed at him affectionately. ‘You’re all right, Aaron.’ He looked at his watch. ‘Look, just don’t panic. There’s just a change of venue, that’s all. Rob wanted to surprise you.’

‘I hate surprises. He knows I hate surprises. Why would he do this to me, today of all days?’

‘I know. It’s just a place in Otley. It’s licensed for marriages and Rob chose it because he didn’t want a registry office and the prison said it was OK. So, you know. We’re not far now.’

Aaron stood up and looked up at the December sky. It was fucking freezing he realized. He wiped his mouth with the handkerchief Paddy had given him.

‘Have we got some water?’ he asked anxiously.

‘Aaron, you know it’s not too late to change your mind. If you have any doubts at all about this.’ Paddy said to him softly. ‘You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, if that’s what this is about.’

Aaron straightened up and looked Paddy in the eyes.

‘Doubts?’ he laughed. ‘I am like one huge ball of doubt. Marrying Robert Sugden? What kind of madness is that? But Paddy’ he sighed ‘I can’t fight it anymore. This is me finally accepting it. I need to marry him for my own peace of mind. I love him and I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole life.’

Paddy pulled Aaron into a hug.

‘Urgh, Sick breath! Have we got any extra strong mints? The groom, the er other groom that is, is definitely not going to want to kiss that.’

Adam grinned ‘Better than that. I’ve got some Absolute vodka.’

He took out a flask and passed it to Aaron.

‘I knew there was a reason I chose you as the best man.’

Aaron took a swig, then looked down at his suit to check it hadn’t got any stains on it.

They all looked at each other, ears, cheeks and noses red in the icy December air.

‘What are we waiting for? ‘Aaron asked, ‘Haven’t we got a wedding to get to?’

 

Adam turned the car into what looked like a field with a dry stone wall crossing it before a bunch of trees.

‘Adam, where are we going? This can’t be it!’ Aaron said, his voice shaking.

Suddenly behind the trees a building came into sight.

It was a barn.

‘Yep. This is it!’ Adam said, looking back at Aaron and winking.

‘Its…it’s a barn.’ Aaron said.

‘Yes it is!’

‘We’re getting married in a barn!’

‘Yeah, well Vic said that Robert insisted. He said you’d like it. Don’t know why like, and probably don’t want to. Though I probably need to point out that it is a licensed converted establishment with windows and heating and a sound system, so I think we’ll be alright.’

Aaron shook his head and wiped the tears that had threatened to start spilling from his eyes.

Adam parked the car and Paddy got out looking at the other cars already parked. Adam and Aaron sat in the car in the quiet for a moment. Everybody must be inside and waiting. Andy had brought Robert and he could see the jeep parked and empty so he was already here at least. It was time for the ceremony to start.

Aaron put his head back and closed his eyes for a moment.

‘You’ve got the rings?’  He said to Adam.

Adam laughed. ‘Chill, man. I’ve got them. You know I’ve always got your back, man, always. And I just want you to know that even if Robert and I haven’t always got on, I know he loves you as much as I do, man and I know what he means to you, so I just want you twos to be happy, like me and Vic are. And I’m made up for you. I really am.’

He reached over and gave him a hug.

Paddy banged on the window, tapping his watch.

Aaron breathed quickly in and out. 'OK. Let’s do this!' He said and opened the car door.

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron get married.

One day and one night. That’s all they have.

Technically, not even one day and one night, because the time allowed to them is less than twenty four hours. Robert is due back at her Majesty’s pleasure by eight thirty the following morning.

Robert knows from experience, as he sits in his prison cell, that while you can alter many variables in life, the one thing you can’t alter is time. So instead you have to manage it. When he’d gone over the plan for the wedding day with Vic and Andy, he’d gone over each moment, because he didn’t want to waste a second.

And planning each moment, all he thought about was Aaron.

The prison sentence was a punishment for him for what he’d done, but Robert knew that, for the grief it caused Aaron, it may as well be a punishment for them both. He knew that Aaron was serving time along with him, being apart, being alone and putting plans on hold, organizing his schedule around the weekly one hour visits, riding the wave of weekly anticipation and weekly separation like a wound freshly picked, over and over again.

He also knew that, deep down, Aaron took it because he still felt responsible. He still felt he deserved it, regardless of all the therapy or of all Robert’s efforts to explain that these were his flaws and his alone.

What Robert wanted more than anything, was that today would be a gift, his gift to Aaron, and he wanted that gift to be one of happiness with all the pain they had gone through forced into the shadows, however temporarily.

So when Aaron walked into the barn, Robert was there, waiting to be by his side.

He was standing at the back not far from the door, Andy beside him, their heads bowed in conversation and he looked up instantly, his blue green eyes looking at him like he was the only person in the room.

In his peripheral vision, Aaron registered the high backed chairs tied with ivory ribbons, where he could see his family and Robert’s family waiting. He saw the flower arrangements with cascades of calla lilies and white roses. He saw the table at the front with the two registrars in smart suits and gowns, and even the hay bales stacked at the sides of the room, so that the smell of the hay took Aaron back to those heady days when he and Robert had first met, and when he’d first learned what it felt like to be worshiped by Robert’s body.

But if Aaron was conscious of all these things, all he saw was Robert.

And all Robert saw was Aaron.

‘Wow!’  Robert blinked in admiration.

Aaron blushed at Robert’s reaction to the sight of him in his wedding suit. He patted his button hole, the last thing given him by Adam before he'd walked to the front of the room to sit next to Victoria, Diane and Doug.

‘Wow yourself.’ He smiled, giving a shy nod of approval at Robert in his suit too, just noting and choosing to ignore the barely visible break of line from the electronic tag around his ankle. His hair was cropped in a recognizable prison barber’s haircut, but Aaron adored how it stood in soft blonde spikes around his face and how his skin glowed softly from a close shave that he’d managed by using a borrowed electric shaver from Andy in the bathroom at the venue when they’d first arrived.

He could hardly register that he was seeing Robert, away from the prison, away from the visiting hall, without the table between them, that they could stand side by side and talk and walk, and even touch without rules or supervision.

He couldn’t help himself, stepping forward he slipped a hand inside Robert’s jacket, over the satin of his waistcoat, round his back and, feeling the heat of his body through the material, he pulled him close, and kissed him. It was a short tender kiss with soft lips and closed eyes. He’d be shy, but Andy had seen them kiss before, hadn’t he? And no one else was looking, except actually, they were, all eyes were on them, waiting in excitement for the ceremony to start.

‘Oi’ Andy said with a grin. ‘You’re not supposed to do that till after the wedding.’

‘So should I have brought a shot gun?’ Aaron indicated the hay bales with a nod of the head.

Robert laughed. ‘Well not for the rats, but maybe for some of the guests.’ He laughed. ‘Your family members, not mine of course.’

‘They’ll be yours too soon enough. Still time to change your mind.’ Aaron teased softly.

‘Yeah? No chance.’  Robert grinned back, making Aaron‘s heart flutter even more.

Robert gestured at the space. ‘I… I did do the right thing?’ His voice was doing that soft thing he did when he just wanted to know that Aaron was OK.

‘Yeah. You did the right thing. But no more surprises, Robert, promise me, I can’t deal with it.’

Andy coughed. ‘Ready gentlemen? Shall we begin?’

And suddenly Aaron looked down. His heart was thumping so hard he could feel it in his rib cage and all his composure was gone. Then he felt Robert’s fingers thread through his own. He noticed Robert’s hand was damp with sweat too. They were both as nervous as fuck then.

He looked up into Robert’s eyes that held the question.

‘Ready?’ He whispered.

And Aaron blew air from his cheeks and then smiled.

‘Yes. Ready’ He said.

And Aaron and Robert walked forward together down the aisle between the chairs to the front of the hall.

 

Vic and Adam had gone over the order of service with Aaron, talking over what would happen, and Vic and Andy had done the same with Robert, Robert of course controlling the details, adding the personal vows and asking about what wording in the service could be changed.

‘What vows?’ Aaron had objected to Vic, in the back room at the Woolpack. ‘Isn’t it all just what’s written down like, what you have to say to be legal?’

‘Yeah, but you can just add a little message of your own. It’s what Robert wants to do.’

‘But maybe I don’t want to. Why is he always so selfish?’

Vic had lowered her forehead and looked at Aaron.

‘He just wants to tell you that he loves you, in his own words, that’s all. It’s allowed, you know.’

‘Well he can tell me that on his own, can’t he? He doesn’t have to do it in front of everyone.’ Aaron complained, running a hand over his face.

‘Erm, I think you’re sort of missing the point of what marriage is about, unless you’re just marrying him for his money.’ she’d  added as a joke, and then seeing the shock on his face she realized the mistake she’d made.

 

At the next prison visit, Aaron had folded his arms and spoken quickly.

‘Just so you know, if anything does ever end up going pear shaped between us, I don’t want any of your money, so you can tell your Clive to draw up a pre-nuptial if that’s what you want.’

Robert had shaken his head in utter confusion.

‘What on earth are you talking about?’

‘I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings, mate, you got it?’

‘Wh… what misunderstandings?’

‘Like, maybe I’m with you for your money.’

‘You don’t care about money,’ Robert objected, ‘and anyway I don’t think I’ve got enough for it to even be an issue. Certainly not enough to worry about a pre-nuptial.’

He continued, ‘Anyway, nothing will ever happen, ever.’

Aaron nodded and Robert leaned forward over the table, reaching for his hand which Aaron gave with a small sigh. Robert played with the engagement ring on Aaron’s finger.

‘I mean it.’ Robert looked at his face, searching for the eye contact that Aaron was reluctant to give.  ‘This is end game, Aaron. This is happy ever after.’

And Aaron had smiled, in spite of himself.

 

As the wedding approached the issue of the vows continued to nag at him. At the next prison visit he brought it up again.

‘Look, what I want to say to you. I don’t want to say it in front of everyone else.’

‘That’s fine.’ Robert had said, looking confused.

Aaron searched his face, looking for clues. Was he disappointed? What did he really want? Robert’s face was inscrutable.

‘And I don’t want other people hearing what you’ll say to me. I mean, what if you say something and I feel stupid?’

‘Well, that’s entirely possible, because my aim would be to humiliate you.’ Robert answered, folding his arms.

Aaron leant back with a sigh, rolling his eyes.

‘Not because of you, you muppet! Because of me.’

Robert looked at Aaron’s face thoughtfully.

‘Look Aaron, we should be looking forward to this day. Not dreading it. So let’s forget the vows. We can say the standard vows that everyone says, maybe add a word or two. It’s our wedding. And I want you to be happy.’ He reached for Aaron’s hand. ‘That’s all I want.’

He saw the look of relief on Aaron’s face and smiled back at him. Then he leaned forward and lowered his voice.

‘I’ll tell you my vows in bed, then, eh?’

Aaron’s body responded to Robert’s words as if he’d lit a fuse after the months of separation. He shifted uncomfortably, his voice like gravel as he replied.

‘OK. I’d like that, then. Bed it is.’

 

Now he was finally standing shoulder to shoulder with Robert, he felt calm.

They’d walked past the guests made up of extended family and their significant others, just as Aaron had wanted. Mostly it was like a gang of Dingles with some Sugdens and Sugden slash Dingle offspring thrown in. Robert had frowned when he’d gone over the guest list with Victoria.

‘Why are there so many Dingles and so few Sugdens? For Christ’s sake, even Andy’s kids are half Dingle!  Vic, you’re going to have to get busy.’

‘Umm, yeah, but small technical point, my kids will be Bartons, won’t they? So actually it’s you that’ll need to get busy.’

‘That’s hardly going to happen.’ Robert had answered.

‘Give it a year or two.’ She’d smiled back.

 

Aaron saw his Mum sitting between Debbie and Lisa, looking all dolled up to the nines. She gave him a big smile, but he could see her eyes were already welling up with a mother’s tears. He frowned at her and rolled his eyes heavenwards, wondering how he was going to survive the roller coaster of the ceremony and keep his composure.

Looking at Robert’s face Aaron could see his nerves had also kicked in. Apart from the wedding being so momentous for them both, Robert hadn’t even seen most of these people since he was sentenced and went down.

Aaron leaned over and spoke to him quietly.

‘Most of them have been inside themselves.’ He whispered, and Robert nodded back with a smile because Aaron knew him so well.

 

The registrar asked if they were ready and the wedding began.

‘We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Aaron and Robert and to witness their vows of matrimony. The vows that they are about to make will join their lives together as one. Today Robert and Aaron, you are making a formal and public pledge of your love for each other. Today is a day you will always remember.’

Robert frowned again.

‘We should’ve waited until my sentence was over,’ he whispered, revisiting the old anxiety that the memory would be tainted by his prison sentence.

‘You should have thought about that then, it’s too late now,’ Aaron answered, bringing him back with a bit of reverse psychology, making Robert smile and relax again.

The registrar paused, then went on.

‘Marriage joins two people who trust the love they have found. Together you will share your love and support for each other for the rest of your lives.

‘If there is any person present who knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now.’ The registrar paused and looked at everyone and there was a small ripple of nervous laughter as they all glanced round, the word lawful had a tendency to do that to the Dingles.

The registrar continued ‘So now I’ll ask each of you in turn. First you Aaron. Are you, Aaron Dingle, free lawfully to marry Robert Jacob Sugden?”

Aaron answered ‘I am.’

Then the registrar addressed Robert, “Are you, Robert Jacob Sugden free lawfully to marry Aaron Dingle?”

‘Define free?’ Cain called out, to be shushed by Moira, generating some more laughter.

‘I am,’ Robert answered with a glance towards Cain.

‘According to the law of the country, marriage is a union of one person with one other person, entered into voluntarily to the exclusion of all others. Now the solemn and joyous moment has arrived for Robert and Aaron to contract their marriage before you.’

Robert wondered why they hadn’t done this before. It was so blindingly obvious that they should be together. But then he knew the answer to that really. That any time before now would have been too soon, because he’d had lessons he’d needed to learn first. Otherwise he would have messed this up, just like he had so many other things in his life. He might still do.

Swallowing quickly, he had to push the thought away. It was the kind of thought he’d been taught to recognize in therapy.

After he’d been shot, he’d had time to think over what mattered. He’d sorted a lot out in his head. It had helped him to realize that, from the beginning of their relationship, Aaron was the most important person in his life and to accept coming out as bisexual.

But then Aaron had needed time to forgive him.

And with the regrets about how he’d behaved to Aaron, the other regrets had burst through the dam, bringing the Black Dog racing through with them, pulling him round a track, round and round in a cycle with no start line or finishing flag, just feelings of worthlessness, exhaustion and despair, until, of course, he got effective treatment.

Now, in prison he’d had time to think again.

The days were busy, he’d managed to get a job assisting in the purchasing department. It suited him as prison jobs go, utilizing his eye for a good deal. 

And most evenings he would go to the prison gym for an hour. He wondered if Aaron would notice tonight.

But he still spent most of the time in his cell.

So he had a lot of time to think. 

And as he lay on his bunk, he’d realized that after he’d been shot he’d mostly still thought about himself, but what he needed to do was think about Aaron’s point of view. Which was what he planned to do from now on and for the rest of his life.

 

The registrar spoke: ‘Will everyone stand for the exchange of vows.’

As everybody rose to their feet, Aaron’s heart raced out of control. This was it then. This was actually happening.

Robert had once asked him if he ever thought about the future and he’d lied, he’d said not really.

He had thought fleetingly about getting married to Robert, a fantasy, mostly in those early days, when Robert was still engaged to Chrissie, when he’d thought he could somehow win him from her, and then later again, playing house at Home Farm when Robert was already married and he knew it was just a dream.

Sometimes dreams come true. 

He didn’t have to marry. He wasn’t someone who thought that marriage was essential to his life.

He wasn’t getting married because of being married.

He was getting married  _to Robert_.

And that was what this was about, loving Robert, promising to be together for the rest of their lives. Because Robert was the center of his universe and he couldn’t cope without him.

 

The registrar asked Aaron to hold Robert's hand and repeat the vows.

Aaron fleetingly thought about the bed time vows to come. Maybe something showed in his eyes, because he saw Robert narrow his own at him, knowingly. 

‘I call upon the persons here present that I, Aaron Dingle, take thee, Robert Jacob Sugden, to be my wedded husband. I promise to  be true to you, to care for you and to protect you, to share happiness and sorrow and to honor you and love you for all eternity.’

Aaron's voice was breaking as he spoke and he could feel Robert's hand trembling in his own.

Then it was Robert's turn to take his hand and repeat the vows.

As he listened to Robert struggle to keep control, he felt a tear fall down his cheek, followed by another.

Robert's voice was so gentle. 

‘I call upon the persons here present that I, Robert Jacob Sugden, take thee, Aaron Dingle, to be my wedded husband. I promise to  be true to you, to care for you and to protect you, to share happiness and sorrow and to honor you and love you for all eternity.’

They met each others eyes, full of tears, but so happy that it was done.

That was it. That was the part that made them married.

Aaron reached up and wiped the tears from Robert's eyes, then Adam stood up and gave Aaron a handkerchief, making everybody laugh.

The registrar smiled at them and then went on.

‘You have both made the declaration prescribed by law.  You made a solemn and binding contract to each other in the presence of family and friends here today.

It is a part of the long tradition of marriage that the marriage is sealed with the exchange of rings. The marriage ring is the unbroken circle symbolizing everlasting and unbroken love with no beginning and no end.

I’d like to invite the best man, Andy, to give the wedding ring to Robert.’

Andy stepped forward with a smile.

Robert, place the wedding ring on Aaron’s left hand and repeat after me.’

Robert searched for Aaron’s eyes again, willing him to look at him, smiling at Aaron’s blushes when he did.

_‘I give you this ring ’_

‘I give you this ring ’

_‘… as a sign of my love ’_

‘… as a sign of my love ’

_‘… and a symbol of our marriage.’_

‘… and a symbol of our marriage.’

 

Then it was Aaron’s turn.

‘Now I’d like to invite the best man, Adam, to give the wedding ring to Aaron.’

  Adam stepped up with a wink and a pat on Aaron’s shoulder.

 ‘Aaron, your turn to place the wedding ring on Robert’s left hand and to repeat after me.‘

_‘I give you this ring ’_

‘I give you this ring ’

_‘… as a sign of my love ’_

‘… as a sign of my love ’

_‘… and a symbol of our marriage.’_

‘… and a symbol of our marriage.’

 

They both folded their hands together with the rings, looking at each other with amazement.

Robert and Aaron, you have made a solemn and binding contract in front of your family and friends and witnesses here. You have promised to share your lives together by the exchange of vows and the giving of rings. It gives me great pleasure and a true privilege to say Robert and Aaron, you are now lawfully wedded as husband and husband. Can I be the first to congratulate you and you can seal the celebration with a kiss.’

They hesitated, shy all at once, but full of relief too now that the ceremony was over. Their eyes met and then they moved closer and hesitated then pressed their mouths together in a lingering chaste kiss, smiling in spite of themselves, tasting salt on each other's lips.

The guests saw  their faces were lit up as they looked at each other. They saw Aaron whisper in Robert’s ear, stroking his hand lovingly down his arm. And they saw Robert nod and whisper something back.

Robert shook his head in amazement. He was with his true love and his soulmate and how many people can claim that?

 

After signing the registry, they stepped with guests into an enclosed courtyard garden with a rich lawn and winter holly bushes with red berries so they could have photos taken.

The air was icy cold, but the courtyard was sheltered and created an echo of the soft voices and jolly laughter of the group as they formed and reformed family groups for photographs. After the group photos were taken, the guests were shown into the warmth for champagne and hot canapes that had been chosen by Vic in consultation with the restaurant.

 Robert and Aaron stayed outside for some more photos of just the two of them.

The photographer directed the poses, and they beamed with amusement as they looked lovingly into each other’s eyes. Robert straightened Aaron’s button hole for him before the final picture. The photographer had Aaron holding Robert’s left hand against his heart with his own left hand so the rings on their fingers would be the focus of a picture.  Holding Robert’s hand Aaron could feel how cold he was getting. He looked up with concern, searching Robert’s by now paler than pale face.

‘Sorry, mate.’ He turned to the photographer. ‘That’s it, we have to go inside.’

He led Robert in and in the corridor leading to the bar area where the reception was being held he rubbed his hands up and down Robert’s arms to warm him.

‘You OK? I don’t want you with a fever tonight.’ He smiled. ‘Least ways, not one caused by being ill.’

Robert laughed. In the dark, warm corridor he leaned into Aaron for a proper kiss this time, the first proper private kiss for so long, for so many months and the first proper kiss as husbands.

Aaron held onto Robert’s jacket pulling his body close. Robert put his hands up to Aaron’s face and pulled him into the kiss.

He pushed his mouth against Aaron’s, pressing against his open lips with his own, dragging against his top lip and then opening his mouth wider and moving his tongue forward penetrating inside Aaron’s mouth. Their tongues met and started to stroke and circle together. Robert gently moved Aaron to the wall and pressed against him.

Lisa came by on the way to the bathroom.

‘Alright boys, don’t mind me.’ She called on her way past.

Robert reluctantly broke away from the kiss.

‘We’d better go through to the reception.’ He said.

‘Alright.’ Aaron’s eyes shone back, nodding in affirmation. 

‘Give me a minute.’  Robert said.

Aaron lowered his eyes to the front of Robert’s trousers.

‘Look you’d better walk away from me, cos I’ll need more than a minute if you stay anywhere near me, right now.’

 

In the reception room, Robert followed Aaron with his eyes. In the warmth, he’d taken off his jacket and Robert admired him in his satin waistcoat and white dress shirt that was tucked into his trousers tailored so perfectly over his pert arse. Aaron’s eyes were sparkling with laughter as he chatted with Adam and Vic.

Chas stood at his elbow.

‘You made him happy,‘ she said. ‘Thank you.’

Robert nodded.

‘I never thought I’d see the day when Robert Sugden would be my son,’ she reflected.

‘I think the age gap is against us,’ he laughed.

‘No well, whatever, you are my son in law now, Robert, like it or not. I know you’ve got Diane, but you’ve got me too, now, just so you know.’

‘Just look after Aaron for the next few months until I get out. It might be easier after this, but it might be harder for him, too.’

‘I know. And the same goes for you on the inside. We’ll be waiting for you, love.’

When Chas went to fill her champagne glass, Robert felt a gentle arm slip over his shirt behind him at his waist and he turned to Aaron next to him looking at him with a smile.

‘You alright?’ Aaron asked him and Robert looked back.

‘Perfect.’ He answered. Then grinned again. ‘Well, I will be, when I get you on your own.’

Suddenly it struck him that legitimately they were a couple. That if he wanted he could kiss him right here and now.

He bent his head and pressed his mouth against Aaron’s tasting the sweetness of his husband’s lips again, lingering for longer that maybe he should. 

‘Whoa!’ They heard some objections with laughter from Adam and others. ‘Cool it gentlemen!  We’ve still got your company for a short while before you run away together.’

Robert looked at Aaron and spoke into his ear.

‘Can we wind this up now, because I can’t wait much longer?’ He said and Aaron nodded back at him in reply.

Robert made a short speech thanking everyone for their help. There were a couple of quick toasts and then Aaron told everyone to enjoy the four course meal that they had organized for the guests, even though they themselves wouldn’t be staying to join them.

‘I think you’ll have to forgive us, but we have other plans, actually,’ he admitted, blushing.

They cut the beautiful three tiered cake made by Victoria and Marlon, then Aaron went to find his Mum.

‘We’re going now.’ He said into her ear and she nodded and went to alert Paddy.

They quietly left the room and stepped out into the cold air.  Chas and Paddy and Vic, Adam and Andy and Diane joined them in the car park by the car. Adam took out the keys and rattled them in the air.

‘Which one of you is driving today, gentlemen?’

‘I think we’ll take turns,’ Robert answered with a smirk.

Adam blinked back at him and Aaron took the keys, shaking his head at Robert and wondering if perhaps he'd had a little too much champagne.

‘Get in then,’ he growled.

Victoria and Chas blasted them with a handful of confetti as they got in the car.

Aaron turned the key in the ignition and started the engine. They drove away, the sound of tin cans rattling behind them and streamers flying, and the last thing Chas and Vic saw was the  _just married_  banner disappearing as they turned onto the road in the direction of home.

 

‘Was it alright?’ Robert asked Aaron

‘Yes. It was just what I wanted.’

They’d already stopped to remove the tin cans and paraphernalia and now they were on their way home, alone at last.

Robert paused and spoke again.

‘You look amazing.‘ he said.

Aaron glanced sideways taking his eyes off the road.

‘You look amazing too.’

Robert reached a hand over and placed it palm upwards on Aaron’s knee, so that Aaron lowered his hand from the wheel and wrapped his fingers around it.

 

The afternoon sky was an intense blue broken by occasional clouds carried by winter winds high up in the stratosphere.  Robert watched the scenery go by with wonder, after the weeks and months inside.

It was a twenty minute journey from Otley to Emmerdale and their hearts started racing in anticipation as they got closer to home.

They would have all evening and all night alone together.

'It's amazing the lengths you'll go to, just to get your leg over, Mr. Dingle,' Aaron laughed, looking ahead at the road as he drove.

'Well I didn't notice you complaining, Mr. Sugden.' Robert replied looking sideways at him.

'I'm just waiting for my bedtime vows,' Aaron said, winking. 'Actually I seem to recall you swearing things in the sack before...'

'Well, I'm looking forward to refreshing your memory about that.' Robert grinned. 

 

They rounded a corner and their eyes were met with a familiar layby on a familiar country road, lined by agricultural pastures and a distant row of trees.

‘Stop! Stop here!’ Robert said, with a hand on Aaron’s arm.

‘You want me to stop here? I thought we wanted to get home?’ Aaron answered smiling.

‘Yeah, we do, but first, let’s stop here.’

Aaron parked in the layby. Robert opened the car door and got out, looking around, hands on hips.

Aaron got out too, and gazed across the fields and over at the trees. This was the same time of year, maybe two or three days out on the calendar. How could it look the same after all the time that had passed, all that they had lived through?

It was as if all those days had vanished in a dream and today was just that day’s tomorrow.

It was cold. They were in their shirts and waistcoats. Aaron could see Robert shivering, he stepped up to him, wanting to warm him, and then Robert turned to face him with a smile, dappled shadows cast by the leaves in the nearby tree moving across his cheeks and his throat.

Aaron smiled back, squinting against the sunlight.

Robert looked tentatively into Aaron’s eyes.

‘You know why we’re both still here?’  

‘Do I? You tell me.’

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron spend their wedding night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe a little beyond mature rating for this chapter :)

Aaron put the key in the lock and turned it. They entered the still space of the cottage together, holding their breath, suddenly quiet and reverent.

Aaron turned to look at Robert, taking in his expression as his eyes darted in every direction, exploring each corner of their home in rapid fire. 

He saw the awe on Robert's face and gave him time, just standing in the living room near him, waiting till he was ready to speak. He looked around himself, seeing the space through Robert’s eyes.

He’d tried to keep it exactly as Robert left it, but the room was like a seashore with each ebbing and flowing of the tide bringing small changes that Robert would probably notice, but Aaron wouldn’t.

Then Robert looked at Aaron, searching his face.

‘It’s like a dream, Aaron.’ He muttered. ‘Am I really here with you?’

And suddenly, shoulders rocking, hands covering his face, he was sobbing noisily, a voiced cry coming from his throat and Aaron had seized him and wrapping his arms around him, broke into tears too. They swayed together, giving in to the grief of their enforced separation, thrown into focus by the sweetness of the day and the temporary bliss of being alone together in their own home.

After a while, as his sobs started to subside, Robert murmured ‘Sorry, sorry.’ And Aaron held him tighter.

Robert moved his hands to cup Aaron’s face and kissed him open mouthed, a wet, salty, messy kiss, eagerly returned by Aaron.

When they broke apart, Robert laughed apologetically.

‘This wasn’t how I imagined it.’

Aaron’s eyes gleamed back at him.

‘It’s alright.’ He said. ‘Let me get you a glass of water.’

But Robert held his wrist gently.

‘Aaron, don’t… don’t treat me like a guest.’ He objected. ‘I’ll get my own glass of water.’

Taking off the wedding suit jacket and dropping it over the back of the sofa, Robert walked into the kitchen. He ran the tap and washed his face, opening the drawer where they kept hand towels with amazement that he could still navigate and discover everything in this space where it ought to be. He dried his face and taking a glass filled it with water and drank, looking out across the back garden and the fields beyond.

He frowned for a moment.

The last time he’d looked out here, the sky had still been grey with smoke from the bonfire he’d made to clear the garden, and then they’d got the news about Vic being arrested and they’d gone to the police station. He’d never come home.

Maybe it was meant. Maybe without it, he wouldn’t have reached this day: the very best day of his life.

He turned back to Aaron who was watching him from the kitchen entrance. Aaron had also taken off his jacket and in his waistcoat and shirt, leaning with his arm against the door jamb, he looked so beautiful he took Robert’s breath away.

‘Let’s go to bed.’ He whispered hoarsely.

And Aaron smiled and looked down shyly.

‘OK.’

 

Aaron had prepared for Robert being there in the bedroom with him.

He’d cleaned. He’d laundered towels and robes. On this, his wedding morning, he’d taken time to make up the bed with clean sheets before leaving home. Yesterday, when he’d been shopping at the supermarket he’d bought lube, feeling shy and excited like a school boy. This morning, he’d even changed the setting on the central heating, so the edge was taken off the cold.

Each time he’d anticipated this moment, his breath had shortened and his heart rate had increased.

Robert sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the space next to him so that Aaron joined him. They both faced each other, their knees touching.

Aaron swallowed, looking at his husband.

It was so long since they’d been intimate together, they were like virgins on their wedding night. In a way it was perfect, but now Robert was there in the bedroom, Aaron’s anxiety level rocketed. There was a lot of pressure on them both to get this right.

Aaron looked at the way Robert’s waistcoat creased around his waist as he sat, and how his white shirt stretched over his shoulders and clung to his arms. He put a hand on Robert’s knee and moved his thumb gently across the material. He noticed his hand was damp again from nerves.

He bit his lip as he looked at Robert’s knee where he touched him. He wanted to be gentle but wanted to be rough, he wanted to give Robert as much time as he needed, but he wanted Robert now so urgently that he could hardly breathe.

He looked up into his eyes.

‘Can I… undress you?’ He asked, his voice catching.

Robert swallowed and nodded.

Aaron reached up and undid the waistcoat buttons one by one. He could feel Robert’s eyes on his mouth. He slipped the waistcoat off him with a nod and a brief smile, then turned his attention to his shirt buttons, starting at his throat.

He undid the top two buttons, revealing the beautiful hollow above Robert’s breast bone, just the right size for Aaron to stroke with his finger tips. He swallowed, caressing the space.

He noticed Robert was trembling.

‘Alright?’

Robert replied by silently moving his mouth forward for a kiss.

His lips were dry and soft as they barely brushed against Aaron’s. Aaron wanted more. He leaned his head on one side and put more pressure on Robert’s mouth, letting his tongue inch forward until he found Robert’s tongue. When they pulled apart Robert panted.

Aaron resumed undoing the buttons of Robert’s shirt, fumbling with his fingers. When they were all undone, he pulled the shirt out from his waist and spread it open, taking in Robert’s pale torso. He traced the now faded scar of Robert’s surgery from the gunshot wound, then he allowed the flat of his thumb to stroke over the nub of Robert’s nipples.

‘Aaron, hurry,’ Robert murmured.

So Aaron pulled off Robert’s shirt.

His hands moved to his trousers where Robert’s length was already straining against the tailored material. Aaron undid the button and pulled down the zip.

Robert, chewing his lips, watched him.

‘I’m sorry. I’m going to come so quickly.’

‘It’s okay, Me too. I just missed you. I missed us,’ Aaron reassured him.

He pulled down Robert’s trousers, carefully negotiating over the tag. Robert had already escaped his boxer briefs, leaking pre cum all over his stomach.

And now, Aaron was losing control. He pushed Robert down backwards making him scoot fully onto the bed and then getting Robert to raise his hips, he pulled off his underwear. He crawled up and over him in his wedding clothes, undoing his trousers with one hand to release his own cock at the same time as leaning over him. He rapidly kissed his mouth, his throat and his chest, dragging his lips down his stomach until Robert’s cock was knocking against his face and he took him in his mouth.

Robert arched his back and moaned at the sensation. Aaron lingered briefly, moaning from his throat, then knelt up again on his knees so that Robert could help him struggle out of his trousers and boxers too.

‘Ready?’ He asked softly, reaching for the lube.

Robert nodded.

As Aaron pushed inside, Robert pulled him down and kissed him again.

‘I love you, Aaron.’ He whispered. ‘My husband. You’re everything to me.’ He whispered.

‘Oh my God. I love you too, Robert.  _My_  husband. I always loved you. You know that, don't you?’

Robert laughed and gasped as Aaron started to move, filling him up, making him whole and complete.

‘Say it again.’ He whispered.

‘I love you.’

‘Again.’

‘I love you.’

And their climax hit together. Aaron coming inside him and Robert shooting wave after wave onto his stomach, lifting his hand to stroke through the orgasm.

Their mouths collided again and they kissed once more, eyes almost closed, creased with smiles, until Robert leaned back and grinning inspected Aaron in his shirt and waistcoat.

‘Aaron. Fuck. Your waistcoat. It’ll stain.’

Aaron looked down and laughed.

‘Call it a souvenir. We’ll get it out when we’re eighty and we’ll say, remember when we got married.’ He started to take it off and then his shirt, so that at last they were naked together.

Eventually, Robert got up and got some tissues to wipe clean.

‘Beer?’ He suggested and tiptoed down the stairs naked, hobbling to avoid knocking against the tag on his ankle, to get some from the fridge, while Aaron followed his arse with eyes full of love as he disappeared from sight.

When Robert came back, along with the beer he brought a tray with some sliced bread and cold meat, butter and tomatoes he’d found in the fridge. He put it on the bed and got in with it between them. They both opened a beer sitting up against the headboard.

‘Vic left us a hot meal to heat up.’

‘I know, I saw, we can have that later. This is for now, to keep us going.’

‘We need keeping going, do we?'  Aaron asked with a smile.

‘We certainly do,’ Robert smirked.

There was also a brown envelope on the tray.

‘What’s that then?’ Aaron asked, with suspicion.

Robert raised his eyebrows.

‘Look and see.’

Aaron tensed.

‘What have you done, Robert?’

Robert suddenly looked furtive. He spoke gently, reaching out to take Aaron’s hand.

‘It’s a wedding gift. Don’t be angry with me, will you?’

‘I’m not making you any promises.’

Aaron picked up the envelope and opened it. Inside were some official papers with typing and official looking stamps and signatures and something about the cottage and deeds and today’s date.

Aaron held them up and looked at Robert, blinking.

‘Wh… what’s this?’

Robert swallowed.

‘I bought here… the cottage…’ he gestured ‘… for you.’ He corrected himself. ‘For us really. I bought us the cottage. It’s in both our names.’

Aaron looked stunned.

‘I told you, I don’t want your money. I told you just a couple of weeks ago.’

‘It’s not money.’

‘Money, property. All of it.’

Robert looked at Aaron.

‘It’s our home, Aaron. It’s the place I long for every day. Being here, with you. You found it for us, I wanted to keep it for us. I didn’t do the wrong thing, did I? ’

Aaron breathed.

‘No, you did a beautiful thing. Do you even know how much I love you, you Muppet?’ 

He leaned over and kissed Robert again, and before they could begin to make a sandwich, Aaron had carefully moved the tray from the bed to the carpet and pulled Robert’s body over him, stroking his hands down over Robert’s shoulders and down over the curve of his arse cheeks.

‘Now,’ he whispered ‘About those vows you promised.’

 

They made love through the evening and the night, rediscovering each other’s bodies, wondrous in the pleasure that they could give and receive from each other. While they made love and after they made love they shared their vows, sharing sweet words of love and sentiments only meant for each other.

Aaron told Robert how nobody could read him so well. ‘…better than I know myself.  I’ll try not to keep things to myself.'

‘I’ll always stand by you, and I‘ll fight for you, Robert. I'll fight you if I have to.'

'I love you. I think about you all the time. What does that make me?’

Robert told Aaron that falling in love with him was the best thing he'd ever done in his life. How proud he was to be the man that Aaron had chosen to marry. ‘I’ll try to live up to you.'

'I need you, Aaron. I need you to be my grease monkey. I’ll always love you.‘

‘You idiot.’ Aaron whispered. Robert exhaled and seeing the smile on Aaron’s face he felt calm. They would be Ok, wouldn’t they?

 

‘Don’t let me sleep. I can sleep forever after this. Don’t let me fall asleep,’ Robert whispered.

It was getting towards morning. Aaron shifted between Robert’s thighs and pulling his hips right down, and his thighs up and round his waist, feeling the tag against his side, an unwelcome guest with them, he leaned forward and pushed inside him once again.

‘Every night, until you come home, I want you to think about me and how this feels,’ he whispered ‘And how I’m here, waiting for you.’

 Robert looked back at him.

Aaron leaned down and kissed him a long deep kiss, until Robert growled. ‘OK, fuck me then!’

In the end they couldn’t keep their eyes from closing and fell asleep in each other’s arms. Around six thirty Aaron’s alarm rang and they climbed in the shower together washing quickly and quietly, exchanging smiles as their elbows and hips knocked and brushed against each other under the water. Finally Robert pulled Aaron into a hug, and they stood, skin against skin, resting against each other under the water stream, until Robert nodded and gently let Aaron go.

They dressed and had toast and coffee, staring out at the back garden and the fields and farm building and spreading sky beyond.

Aaron’s car keys rattled as he picked them up.

‘Come on,’ he said quietly. ‘Time to go.’

When they reached Armley, Aaron stopped the car outside the prison.

He turned in his seat to face Robert.

‘Don’t get out. I’d prefer to go on my own,' Robert said.

Aaron nodded.

‘I’ll see you Thursday, then, eh?’ He said referring to the next visiting time.

‘Yeah, same place, same time,’ Robert joked.

He leaned forward and cupping Aaron’s face they kissed, knowing it would be their last private kiss for the next eight months at least.

‘Goodbye Aaron,’ Robert whispered.

Aaron nodded once, biting his lip, looking down, not trusting himself.

Robert opened the car door, and he was gone.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the wedding Aaron and Robert have to readjust to being apart again as Robert goes back to prison. Aaron has an unpleasant encounter at the garage. Finally they have to cope with Christmas with Robert inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suicide mentioned cw

Aaron wanted to look good. He picked out a tight sweater and jeans and splashed on some of the expensive man’s perfume that Victoria had bought him before the wedding.

Walking out of the cottage into the crisp December air, he got into Robert’s car and started the ignition. Giving the car a run around helped to keep the engine in condition and today, on his first visit to Robert since their wedding, it seemed like a good choice.

Aaron drove over the countryside into Leeds, enjoying the smooth ride and the power of the engine, enjoying how it made him feel closer to Robert just to sit in his driving seat and handle his steering wheel.

Robert loved to drive, but he loved to watch Aaron drive more. Aaron knew how it turned him on. Now, alone in the car, he smiled to himself, thinking about the way Robert would move a hand onto his thigh and hold him with his long fingers, letting them slide downwards between his legs, until Aaron, eyes fixed on the road, slapped him away.

The countryside gradually gave way to city streets.

He could see that people had up their Christmas trees and lights. He hadn’t even thought about Christmas coming round. He wondered how Robert would manage with Christmas in prison. How would he manage himself when he was only pretending to manage as it was? 

Ever since their wedding day, he had been replaying moments non-stop in his head: words, looks, intimate touches between them during their love making. His skin was in a permanently sensitive state, and even the thought now of holding Robert when they greeted each other, of having their lips brush together, of sitting with Robert’s finger tips caressing his wrist over the table, left him breathless, with a warm, swimming feeling in his gut.

It was different. He felt different now they were married. He hadn’t expected it, this shift in the core of who he felt himself to be.

 He had a husband and he was a husband.

If anyone had said to him he would feel anymore fiercely protective over Robert, he would have said it was impossible. And yet he did. Maybe before, he’d always kept just a small part back, based on self-preservation. Now he’d taken a leap together with Robert and there was no corner of his heart left that he hadn’t given.

It’s easier to make promises than to believe them. For Aaron, choosing to believe was the greatest leap into love in his life.

He parked the car on his way to the prison and saw the gold band on his left hand glinting in the winter sun. 

 

In the visiting hall, he waited at the table for Robert to arrive.  As he approached, Aaron stood and lowered his eyes, and then all at once they were in each other’s arms. Their mouths met in a kiss, usually so brief, barely a count of ten because of the prison rules. But this time, rather than letting go, Aaron felt Robert hold onto him tighter and they stayed there for another count of ten and another till a guard coughed and warned them.

‘Come on, love birds, time to take a seat.’

 When they sat, Aaron was trying to hide the fact that he had tears in his eyes again. Robert was looking at him with that smile of his. His eyes flickered up and down his body with appreciation.

‘You look great.’ He said and Aaron bit his lip.

He looked back into Robert’s eyes, trying to stop himself from looking over his body.

‘So do you.’ He replied, gruffly.

Robert’s eyes glanced around the hall to the other prisoners and their guests and back to Aaron.

‘I hate this. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t. We’ve just got to be a bit patient.’

It was just that spending the night together had left them with fresh physical memories hard to shake.

Robert reached for Aaron’s hands and threaded his fingers around his, deliberately touching the matching gold wedding bands on each other’s fingers.

For a moment more they were quiet, just letting the back of their fingers caress each other.

Then Aaron spoke.

‘Everyone sends their love.’ He shared.

‘Paddy complained he got food poisoning from the dinner at the wedding, but Marlon said he’d just overdone it after we’d left.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Vic’s wrapped the rest of the wedding cake. She says when you’re out it’ll be perfect and we can have another party and eat it then.’

Robert nodded looking down.

‘Sounds good.’

‘And I got someone in to take a look at the boiler cos it was making such a noise like you noticed, but it’ll cost so much to fix it, I’m thinking we may as well just get a new one. What do you think?’

Robert looked searchingly at Aaron’s face, trying to fix his gaze. Aaron realized he hadn’t even heard about the boiler.

‘We got married.’ Robert grinned.

‘We did.’  Aaron acknowledged.

Robert stroked his fingers over Aaron’s wrist and lowered his voice to a whisper.

‘That thing that you did to me, you know what I’m talking about, with your tongue. Will you do that again, when I get out?’

‘You can count on it.’ Aaron replied in a low voice.

‘Was I too loud?’

‘You are always too loud. That’s why we live in a cottage and not a terrace house. You know that.’

‘But you don’t mind.’

‘You know that too, you Muppet!’

Aaron squeezed Robert’s hand. He shifted on his chair. He noticed another prisoner sitting with a couple of women visitors looking across at them.

He sat up, straightening his back.

‘So about the boiler.’

Robert blinked back at him.

‘Of course, we should get a new one, but make sure you get a good one, one that will last us a few years.’ He said and Aaron smiled as a surge of joy hit him just thinking that they would have those years together.

 ‘I came here in your car, by the way. I keep giving it a run around.’

‘Sell it.’

‘You what? You love that car.’

‘I love you.’

Robert ran his hand up over Aaron’s forearm.

‘Sell it. It reminds me of why I’m here.’

 

Cain offered to sell the car through the garage, which made sense to Aaron.

He drove it down there and handed over the keys.

‘Not a bad motor.’ Cain commented. ‘Your Robert always did have an eye for a nice vintage number, didn’t he?’ He looked at Aaron and winked. ‘Guess that’s why he chose you, then, eh?’

Aaron scoffed. ‘What, you’re saying I’m old now?’

‘Well, not as young as you used to be, let’s face it, Aaron. Isn’t it your birthday soon? How old are you going to be? Twenty what? ’ Cain teased.

‘Let’s put it this way. You need to reverse the numbers to get to your age.’ Aaron laughed.

Someone entered the garage and they looked up. Aaron jumped in shock and put a warning hand on Cain’s arm. It was Liam, and he was looking at the car. Aaron couldn’t believe he would have the audacity to just walk in, after what he’d done to Robert, to them both.

Liam looked up at Aaron and Cain, his face expressionless.

‘So are you selling this car? Wasn’t it Robert’s?’ he asked. ‘Think I might buy it.’

‘You wouldn’t be able to afford it, mate.’ Aaron answered very quietly.

‘Surprised he’s selling it, really. Doesn’t he want it, then? Oh, course. Don’t suppose he has the chance to drive it these days. Still, good to know the justice system works, knowing that head case was put away.’

Cain stepped forward.

‘Let’s just keep it civil, lad.’

Aaron put up his hand.

‘Liam. I think you should go now.’

Liam blinked.

‘What’s with the ring?’ 

Aaron looked back at him, taken off guard by the question.

‘Robert and I, we got married.’

‘But he’s in prison.’ 

‘So what? People in prison are allowed to get married too, you know.’

Liam shook his head.

‘I just feel sorry for you really. You’re deluding yourself, Aaron. You’re going to so regret this one day. Don’t you remember what you used to say about him?  What was it you used to say? Oh yeah. _He’s a disaster_. That was it. And you were right. The man’s a borderline psychopath.’

‘That’s my husband you’re talking about.’ Aaron lunged forward and it was Cain’s turn to restrain him, holding him back.

‘Just leave now, you’re not welcome here.’ Cain said.

‘I’ve got friends on the inside, I’ll make sure he gets something nice for Christmas.’ Liam shouted, walking backwards away from them.

Cain waited, still holding Aaron until he was sure Liam had gone.

Aaron turned to him confused.

‘WH... What was that? What did he mean? He’s got friends? He was threatening Robert!’

‘He’s just a stupid kid, talking big, just ignore him.’

‘You think? I don’t know…It sounded like a threat to me.’

‘Aaron, think about it. Who would a kid like that know? He’s just a jealous spiteful brat. Just forget it.’

 

The incident with Liam left Aaron with a bad taste in his mouth and feeling anxious and unsettled. He hated how Liam had brought up what he’d said in the past about Robert. As if somehow even the mention of those times could tarnish what they had now.

He also couldn’t shake his worry for Robert’s safety in spite of what Cain said.

He had heard Liam threaten Robert. The thought of Robert at risk without Aaron there to defend him had him pressing his fingers a little too hard into his skin.

So when he didn’t receive a visiting order in the post the following week, he called his Mum in a panic.

‘I didn’t get a visiting order.’

‘It’s probably just that the post is a bit slow. You know with the Christmas rush. Wait until tomorrow.’

‘What if something’s up?’

‘What would be up? You just got married!’ She paused. Something in Aaron’s voice had alerted her ‘Look! If something’s up they would have called you, wouldn’t they? Even more so now you’re married. Will you stop worrying love?’

 

The next day, there was still no visiting order.

Chas suggested Aaron call Clive.

When Clive got back to him he explained that the prison had cancelled visiting that week because they were on a skeleton staff for Christmas, with a lot of the prison officers on holiday. Also a lot of the prisoners had permission for four days home leave, so the prison would be quiet, too.

‘So can they do that? Just, just cancel visiting? Don’t we have rights? I want to see my husband.’

Aaron struggled to stop himself from crying with anger.

‘What will he do without me? He’s going to feel so bad. I know he will.’

‘You both knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Just think that it’ll be over before next Christmas, at least.’

 

In the morning at the scrapyard Aaron got a phone call from Robert. He’d got permission and queued and made the call from the phones in a booth in the prison.

Aaron was outside with Adam scrapping an old car when he took the call. As soon as he heard Robert’s voice, he walked to the porta cabin and went inside, pulling the door closed behind him.

‘Aaron?’

‘Hey! I’m here. Is everything alright? Are you OK? ’ Aaron hastily pulled off his bobble hat and his gloves, one by one.

‘Sorry. There isn’t any visiting because it’s Christmas. I couldn’t send you a visiting order. I didn’t want you to worry.’

‘I know. I found out.’

‘I … I miss you.’

Aaron strained his ears, listening for the quality of Robert’s voice. Needing to know that he was OK.

‘But you’re alright, aren’t you?’

‘I’m alright.’

Aaron listened.

‘There’s going to be a Christmas lunch and then there’ll be a table tennis competition with prizes.’

‘Prizes, eh? What sort of prizes?’

‘I don’t know. A bar of chocolate, I guess.’

‘So you’ll be playing to win then, naturally.’

‘I’ll call you.’ Robert went on. ‘On Christmas day, in the morning. I have to go now.’

‘I’ll be waiting.’ Aaron struggled to keep his voice level.  ‘Robert, listen, I love you.’

He sat down heavily.

They’d got married and since then they’d seen each other for one hour. One hour out of three weeks, and now they had to wait another week.

Aaron put his booted foot forward to the edge of the desk and kicked hard. The desk rocked and tipped, crashing over, spilling paper work, stationary and Aaron’s toy cars onto the floor behind it. Adam came in at the noise.

He looked from the mess to Aaron’s face.

‘Aaron. You alright, man?’

‘Just give me a minute, eh?’ Aaron breathed.

Adam nodded and left again, closing the door behind him.

 

Aaron woke up in his old bedroom at the Woolpack on Christmas morning and turned on his side. He lay with his eyes open for a moment, then, reaching out he stroked his hand over the empty sheet beside him, wishing Robert was there with him. Robert always needed to touch him while they slept, pushing his face into Aaron’s neck and a hand lightly over his hip, or pressed close behind him, a thigh tucked up flush under Aaron’s thigh, a hand on his waist. In the mornings, Robert’s natural scent would be stronger, his skin damp with sweat under Aaron’s lips, tasting of salt.

Aaron moved his hand under the cover. If Robert were with him, they would take their time making love, then shower-their own private Christmas celebration.

When Aaron went down to breakfast he wished his Mum a Happy Christmas and sat down heavily.

‘You alright love? What’s with the face?’ She asked.

‘I’m fine. I’m fine.’ He answered, then sighed. ‘Robert said he’d call. I’m just waiting for the call, that’s all.’

The morning went on and no call came. 

When Cain and Moira dropped round on the way to Lisa and Belle’s he could hardly concentrate on being in the same room. Every second crawled past. He started to get angry with Robert. If a lot of prisoners were home for Christmas why was he taking so long to get on a phone? At the back of his mind were Liam’s words. He shook his head and turned on the TV, zapping through the channels, before switching it off again in disgust.

When twelve o clock came and went, he started to feel sick. He was furious with Robert by now. How could he do this to him? How could he be so selfish? What was he doing? Playing table tennis instead of making a simple phone call?

When they got to Lisa’s, Aaron couldn’t eat his Christmas dinner.

Early evening, Aaron rang Vic.

‘Have you heard anything from Robert?’

‘Merry Christmas to you, too.’ Vic answered. ‘No I haven’t. Didn't he call you?’

‘You’ve got to get a grip, lad.’ Cain spoke to him concerned. ‘You’re doing yourself no favors. It’s Christmas Day in the nick. I don’t know what you’re expecting. There’ll be no screws cos there all on holiday. They’ve probably just locked them all in for the day. Reduce the workload.’

Aaron bit his lip and nodded.

‘I just want to say Happy Christmas to my husband. Is it so much to ask?’ He said and stepped out of the house into the dark cold night outside.

 

It was early evening on Boxing Day when Robert finally rang.

‘Remember me, eventually, did you?’

‘Aaron.’

‘I’m guessing you won your little table tennis match, then,? What prize did you get, eh? A Mars Bar and a pack of Smarties?’

‘There wasn’t a match.’

‘Yeah well. Christmas didn’t happen here either, mate. In case you wondered in passing.’

‘Aaron, I wanted to call you. Something happened.’

Aaron’s stomach flipped and his hands started to shake. All the pent up anxiety from the past two days had him holding his breath. He thought about Liam’s words. He couldn’t bear to think that somehow someone had got to Robert. His voice was brittle when he spoke.

‘Oh My God! Did someone hurt you? Robert! Tell me!’

There was a silence. Aaron waited, then Robert spoke.

‘I… It was in the morning.’

Aaron could hear a change in Robert’s voice. Was he crying?

Robert who barely ever cried. 

Then his voice changed again.

‘Aaron. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I had a bad night, that’s all. It’s Christmas. It’s allowed. Isn’t it?’

‘Robert!’ Aaron responded.  ‘Talk to me! What’s going on, mate?’

Aaron waited.

 ‘Robert I’m your husband. You made me promises. I need you to keep them now. I’m going to go out of my mind if you don’t tell me. Just let me in.’

‘It’s Christmas, isn’t it. Christmas, New Year, then it’s your birthday. And I’m here, missing it all.’

‘I know. I miss you too. Listen. Just promise me no one hurt you.’

‘WH… Why would someone hurt me?’

Aaron puffed out his cheeks and exhaled with relief.

‘But then why didn’t you call me? I don’t get it?’

‘They locked us in. I didn’t get a chance. Sorry Aaron.’

So, it was just like Cain said.

Aaron sighed.

‘Look. We’ll be back to normal next week and you’ll send me a visiting order and I’ll be there. Alright?’

‘Yeah. Next week.' Robert lowered his voice. ' You'll bring me some wedding photos will you. You know the ones I mean.’

Aaron smiled at last.

‘I'm not sure you've earned them. Standing me up on Christmas Day like you did.'

'I promise I'll be good from now on.'

' Sure! I believe you. And Robert. You are taking your meds, aren’t you?’

‘Yeah. Course.’

 After the call, an uneasy feeling lingered with him. He kept going back over the conversation. Robert had sounded genuinely surprised when Aaron had asked about someone hurting him, but Aaron still felt that Robert was holding back somehow.

 

It was two days later that Clive called.

‘Aaron, I’m taking Robert out to the inquest tomorrow. If you come you can see him. I can try and sneak you in to have lunch with him. I’m sure he’ll want to see you.’

Aaron stammered in confusion.

‘What inquest, Clive? I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

He listened to the silence. Then Clive spoke.

‘Robert must have told you, surely, about Christmas Day?’

‘What about Christmas Day?’

‘Robert’s cell mate committed suicide. Robert was the one who found him.'

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron meets Robert at the coroner's court and they share an intimate moment. Aaron notices that Robert is not well again and tries to determine why. He asks for Clive's help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW mention of suicide and description of suicidal thoughts.

It took Aaron a mere matter of seconds to realise that Robert wasn’t well. 

He’d found him with Clive in a small meeting room, a few doors away from the courtroom that would serve as the coroner’s court for the day.

Robert had risen hastily to his feet to greet him, and with barely time for a grateful nod to Clive, Aaron stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his husband. As he balled his fists holding onto the sweater Robert was wearing over a shirt, he could feel the heat coming off his body and he knew instantly that something was wrong.

For a moment they swayed, just holding on and breathing together, before Robert pulled his face back and leaned into a kiss. Aaron kissed Robert back. Even the taste of him gave it away. Something chemical was different.

Breaking apart they looked at each other.

“You alright?” Robert asked searching Aaron’s face.

Aaron smiled, wanting to reassure him. Robert would pick up on his concern, and then Aaron would run the risk of making him defensive. He’d been through this before too many times. He needed to stay calm and get a clear idea of what was going on. He wanted to ask Robert if he was taking his medication, if he was sleeping, if he was exercising, but he would wait. Instead he sat down next to him, taking his hand, noticing that it was too warm and his skin was papery yet clammy with sweat all at once.

He smiled into Robert’s eyes, noting his pupils were also slightly dilated.

Maybe after finding Lucas he’d been given additional medication by the prison doctor.

Aaron just wished he knew.

“Why didn’t you just tell me about what happened on Christmas Day?” He asked softly. “It must have been so terrible for you.”

Robert tongue flickered over his lips.

“ I didn’t want to upset you.”

“But isn’t that what we got married for? So we can be there for each other when we need to? I…”

He looked at Robert's face and seeing the distress in his eyes he stopped.

 

Instead he looked around the room. “No prison officer?”

“He’s in the next room. I’m allowed to be on my own with Clive, you see.” Robert smirked.

“Shall I break you out, then?” Aaron joked.

Robert nodded back.

“Why not? You got Cain with you to help us? We could get to Ireland, on to the US.”  

It was possible, it wasn’t that Aaron hadn’t thought about it, dreamed about it, weighed it up with a churning stomach over and over before the wedding when they’d had a real opportunity. But they both knew it wasn’t the answer.

“How about a nice civilized lunch instead?” Clive chimed in. “My treat. I’ll order in. What do you fancy?”

They ended up ordering a Chinese. Just as he was about to call, Clive handed the phone to Robert.

“You do it.”  

He knew that something as simple as handling a mobile phone and ordering a take away could make Robert feel human again for a while. It was against the rules but who would know?

“No. I .. you do it, Clive.” Robert gave the phone back, his hand shaking slightly.

Aaron narrowed his eyes and looked down at the floor, trying to calm himself, telling himself not to overreact. It was normal for Robert to be nervous, after all, on a day like today.

When the food came, they sat side by side so that their shoulders knocked as they reached across to take forkfuls of food from the various dishes. Robert kept his thigh pressed up against Aaron’s. Aaron in turn stayed close returning the pressure against his husband’s body.

Robert ate fast then all at once stopped, placing his fork down heavily and moving back on his chair.

“You ate hardly anything!” Aaron objected.

“It tasted a bit strange.” Robert replied.

“Are you nervous? “ Aaron asked “ about the inquest?”

“Not really” Robert answered “It’s just an inquest.”

Aaron nodded.

 

Robert asked to go to the bathroom so Clive made a phone call and a prison officer appeared to escort him.

”Do you know what’s going on? Have they changed his medication? Don’t I have the right to know as his husband? Find out for me Clive. I need to know.”

Clive nodded in agreement.

“What happened with Lucas has shaken him. I’ll let you know if he’s getting any medical treatment.”

 

When Robert came back he took Aaron’s hand and took him to the other end of the room and sat, pulling Aaron down next to him.

He moved his mouth gently against his jaw and whispered in his ear.

“Make love to me.”

Aaron felt the intense heat flare up in his groin. He missed Robert so much. His mind raced. If Robert was ill was it the right thing to do? And Clive was there...  he looked nervously over to where he was sitting at the other end of the room.

“So he’s going to leave us alone, then?” he lowered his brow and asked Robert in a quiet voice.

“He can’t. If he goes out they’ll send a prison officer in.”

“Then we can't…”

“We can. He won’t look.” Robert squeezed his hand.

“ Robert, I … “

Robert moved his lips back over Aaron’s. He used his teeth gently to pull at Aaron’s top lip then rested his forehead against Aaron’s forehead.

“It’s the only chance we’ll have for another seven months. He won’t look. I promise you. It’s just us. Just think it’s just us. He’s not here, nobody’s here and you’re my husband and we’re alone.”

Aaron bit his lip. He glanced again at Clive at the other end of the room. He’d turned his back discreetly and was working on his laptop. As Aaron watched he pulled out earphones and placed them in his ears. Aaron realised they must have talked about this. Even the thought made him blush.

Aaron turned back to Robert. Robert’s hands were against his waist, pushing under his sweater touching his skin.

“We don’t have long. They’ll call us to the hearing.”

He leaned forward, heart racing and felt Robert smile and felt himself give in to the smile. How did Robert always do this to him? Take him out of his comfort zone.

Robert quickly unfastened Aaron’s trousers and without waiting pushed them down with his underpants. Aaron felt naked in a way he wouldn’t normally feel. He even wondered if there were cameras in the room and looked up letting his eyes scan the ceiling. He could hear Robert’s laboured breathing as he hastily undid his own trousers and stripped off too and then Robert was pulling him onto his lap spreading his thighs under him.

“Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.” He growled.

He wanted Robert so much he felt dizzy with desire. They rocked slowly against each other. As their bodies touched so intimately they kissed and held on tight.

Aaron gradually forgot where he was. All he could feel was his heart and the heat and Robert smiling into the kiss, whispering how much he missed him. Then Robert’s hand was sliding into the confined space between them and stroking them both together.

Aaron thought they would come like that. Robert’s mouth moved to his throat and he struggled not to call out. instead holding on tighter with his fingers curling into Robert’s shirt.

Robert spread his thighs wider, which opened Aaron up more and then Robert moved his hand and reached under him. He pressed his fingertips against Aaron who looked back at him questioningly, raising his eyebrows.

“What do you want?” he whispered.

“I want you to ride me.” Robert’s eyes were almost closed.

Aaron replied with a nod and another kiss then moved over him and lowered himself down.

They had no lube. His thighs tensed rock hard and his shoulders squared back as he breathed through the pain.

“Sorry.” Robert breathed. “Aaron. Sorry.”

When Robert filled him completely and Aaron had adjusted to the feeling he’d missed for so long, he raised himself back up and they began to move together. They were fast. In spite of trying to keep quiet, their bodies and their breathing sounded too loud to Aaron in that formal room with its polished oak furniture and oil paintings on the walls.

Robert felt just as Aaron imagined he would every night when he was alone. The intensity built until he was on the edge. He stopped moving and Robert waited with him, just their breath rasping in the air. Then all at once he was going over, moving fast again with Robert’s help, a low sound escaping from his throat and Robert’s hand on him stroking him through. Aaron felt Robert come too, pushing his face hard into Aaron's sweater to try to muffle the cries from his throat.

After they stayed like that for a long time with Robert’s face buried against his neck.

Eventually Clive coughed and spoke, saying that they’d be called into the inquest in around ten minutes.

Aaron leaned back and looked into Robert’s blue green eyes. The same blue green eyes he’d been fighting and loving in equal measure ever since they first met.

“We made a mess.” Robert whispered very quietly with a grin. He reached over to the table to where the Chinese takeaway had come with some paper napkins and passed them to Aaron.

“Just go to the bathroom.” Robert suggested, pulling on his own underwear and trousers.

“Now I need to eat something.” He chuckled, his voice still shaking from adrenaline. He reached for a cold spring roll and took a bite.

Aaron dressed and went to the bathroom to clean up and when he came back Robert went again with a prison officer.

As soon as he came out, they were called to the coroner’s court.

 

The coroner explained that the purpose of the inquest was purely to establish the facts of the events surrounding Lucas’s death and that no one was on trial here.

Unlike a normal court there was a semi informal set up. There was no dress code and witnesses and guests alike sat around a large meeting table. Because the inquest was open to all members of the public Aaron was able to attend and he sat on one side of Robert while Clive sat on the other. There were two prison officers there who were also witnesses, a doctor and psychologist, Lucas’s lawyer and some family members. Aaron recognized the brother he had seen in the visiting hall, his pale hands twisted together on the table in front of him.

Aaron tried to stop himself from thinking about the day he’d found Robert on the bathroom floor at Vic’s.

He suddenly realised the scale of distress that Robert must have been through with this event. He took his hand and entangled his fingers around his husband’s.

The coroner started quickly and almost immediately he was questioning Robert.

“So, Mr. Sugden, you shared a cell with the deceased and you were the one who found him. Can you tell us about that?”

Aaron gave him a small nod of encouragement and Robert started to speak.

“It was Christmas morning. There was breakfast in the prison canteen so I got up and went to eat. Lucas was.. I .. he was... asleep in the top bunk. I didn’t wake him. I knew he wasn’t in a good place emotionally. I didn’t want to disturb him. I came back and he was still … asleep I thought. The prison officers locked us in after breakfast that day which wasn’t normal. I .. I was angry because I wanted to call my husband because it was Christmas.” He paused looking at Aaron and spoke even more softly. “ I knew he’d be waiting for my call and I didn’t want him to be worried.”

Aaron could hear Robert’s voice shake. He felt his own tears beginning to build up and fought to swallow them down. He needed to be strong for Robert.

“ So I er..went to wake Lucas. It was selfish really. I just wanted him to listen. Anyway...er… he wouldn’t wake up.”

Aaron tightened his hold on Robert’s hand. He watched Robert as he shook his head and blew out from between his lips.

“He wouldn’t wake up. And I knew... I touched his shoulder…  but I knew before I touched him. His body was cold…” Aaron watched the tears fall down Robert’s cheeks. He placed a hand on Robert’s arm.

“ I pulled him over. I tried to wake him... I called his name. But he was gone. I knew he was gone.”

“So what did you do?” the coroner asked gently.

“ I tried to call the prison officers but nobody came.”

“How long did you wait?”

“Three hours.”

Aaron rolled his eyes skywards.

The coroner questioned Robert about what he’d thought had caused the death,

“ I guessed he must have taken an overdose.” 

“So did he have access to any form of drugs?”

Robert laughed dryly.

“Sorry, your honour, but this is a prison, everyone has access to drugs at a price.”

“You shared that Lucas wasn’t in a good place emotionally. Can you tell me why you thought that.?”

Robert frowned.

“ Lucas had a long time partner, boyfriend, who left him soon after he was sentenced. It hit him hard. And..” he hesitated… looking at Aaron then looking away. “ he was picked on for being gay… you know the usual stuff, name calling, getting shoved around, being pranked, being threatened, there were people he needed to avoid and places, he wouldn’t shower alone.”

“Anything worse?” The coroner asked.

“Living like that, does there need to be something worse?”

Aaron moved an arm around Robert’s shoulder.

 

When the inquest was over, Clive left. The prison officer responsible to take Robert back appeared at their side and told them it was time to go.

“Can we just have ten minutes?” Aaron asked. “Just ten minutes?”

The officer looked at his watch and nodded. He sat at a distance from them while Aaron made Robert sit down next to him in the corridor and took his hand.

“So you’re alright?”

“Yes.” Robert looked down. Aaron tried to be patient.

“Did you change your medication?”

He watched Robert’s face seeing a flicker in his eyes.

“ No.”

“Why are you lying to me Robert?”

“I needed something to help me sleep.”

“Oh my God! You’re buying from inmates?”

Robert clenched his jaw.

“It’s making you ill!”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m telling you. It’s making you ill, Robert ! Just see the doctor if you need something to help you sleep. And what if they do a urine test? They do random tests now and again, you know they do! You’ll lose your probation.”

Robert nodded.

“Please, please I’m begging you, Robert!”

Robert smiled all at once.

“Aaron Sugden! Are you really begging me? I'm fine. I’m fine. You’re just overreacting.”

Aaron shook his head trying not to smile back.

The prison officer was walking towards them.

Robert winked at him and lowered his voice.

“Thank you for coming today.”

Aaron rolled his eyes skywards and laughed.

“You are unbelievable.”

He balled his fists holding the front of Robert’s sweater and Robert held his face as their lips met in a gentle kiss goodbye.

Then Aaron stood still and watched Robert walk out of the building into the winter sunshine.

 

When Aaron got in his car he called Clive.

“Umm... Thanks. For today.”  Aaron blushed again  just thinking about what had happened in the room.

“Glad I could help.”

“Listen. I err.. we need to get Robert home. What can we do?”

He waited.

“OK. Let me see. We’ll meet. I'll call you, Aaron.”

Aaron ended the call. He leaned his head back against the car seat. If Clive was willing to meet, that meant he saw a way to make this possible.

Aaron smiled and closed his eyes.

 


	26. Chapter 26

Aaron wanted Robert home now. It was enough. Enough of the queuing for an hour with other people’s wives, girlfriends, children, brothers, mothers. Enough of being searched and screened and questioned. Showing the screws the latest issue of Classic Car magazine and having them rifle through the pages so that all the free offers flew out onto the floor. Enough waiting at the small nailed down formica topped table, watching for the moment he appeared, the moment when all the longing of the week past dissolved into an intake of breath and a forced down smile.

Robert’s hands were buried in the pockets of his jogging pants as he walked across the visiting hall. His hair, growing long again in the weeks since the wedding, looked uncombed. And Aaron could see that he hadn’t shaved either, the soft blonde stubble hardly noticeable except that it took away from Robert’s more usual smooth appearance. Aaron wanted to touch it with his fingers and with his lips. He wanted to take him to their bedroom at the cottage and undress him slowly or lately, since the incident at the courthouse, he’d been imagining them in all sorts of different locations; in the front room at the pub bent over the bar with everyone watching, at the bus stop while the bus waited, engine turning, or his personal favourite, at the skating rink where he’d once been as a kid, on the benches where you changed your shoes. He’d tell him when he eventually got him home. He knew Robert liked to listen to his fantasies, laughing with that low dirty laugh he gets, letting his hands stroke purposefully between his thighs.

He swallowed hard and looked away swiftly, then looked back again focusing this time on Robert’s eyes.

Today they looked so pale that the ring around his iris stood out like a black and white etching. He looked back at Aaron and smirked and Aaron shook his head as he stood waiting.

When he got to the the table, Robert took his hands out of his pockets and reached for Aaron’s waist, pulling him close, wetting his lips before closing in for a kiss. Aaron closed his eyes, breathing him in, concentrating on the feel of his tongue, holding his arms.

Husbands. He wanted to go somewhere and meet new people just to be able to introduce Robert.

‘And this is my husband.’ He’d say. He just wanted to say it and feel the words hot and heavy on his chest. ‘My husband.’ He smiled into the kiss. Kissing his husband. After all, they’d barely been married for more than a month. They hadn’t even had a honeymoon.

From the heady scent he could tell that Robert wasn’t washed and his body temperature seemed too high. He raised a hand to the back of his head and felt the grease in his hair, feeling a confusing mixture of anxiety and arousal. He wanted to wash him down. He had a sudden image of going down on Robert sitting on the side of a bath.

He wanted Robert home. It was enough now.

They sat down opposite each other at the table and Robert looked him over and reached for his fingers, making a beeline for the wedding ring, touching it like a talisman.

“Aren’t you hot?” Aaron asked gently. “It’s really humid in here. Why don’t you unfasten your jacket?”

Robert nodded and raised his hand to lower the zip of his navy wool jacket.

It was when he saw Robert’s hand visibly shaking that panic set in. He couldn’t hide his concern any longer.

‘Robert! What’s going on, mate?’

“And good to see you too, Aaron. Why don’t you tell me some news instead of jumping right on my case. Aren’t you supposed to be here to cheer me up?”

But now that Robert had opened his cardigan, Aaron could see that his translucent white T-shirt underneath wasn’t clean either. He frowned noticing some small brown flecks on the right hand side, like rust or .. Aaron blinked. He leaned forward suddenly and just let his hand run down the centre of Robert’s T-shirt, and saw the yellow and purple bruising on his skin below his collarbone.

‘Oh My God!’ He raised a hand to his mouth.

‘It’s not what you think. … I fell out of my bunk. I was er... dreaming and I fell.’

As he spoke his eyes scanned the hall. Aaron tried to follow the direction of his gaze.

‘You’re being targeted! Who is it? Tell me, for God’s sake. We can speak to the prison guard, get them sorted out.’

‘Aaron, you’re not listening. I’m fine. I said I just fell out of bed.’

 Aaron looked him in the eye. Usually he could tell when Robert was lying. But there was something about his eyes. He was still self medicating. He felt like Robert was spiralling out of his control.

‘Did you see the doctor, then? And did you talk about your meds and your sleeping? Like I asked you to last week?’ He spoke rapidly and then lowered hıs voice. ‘Please don’t tell me you’re still buying from inmates.’

Robert looked around again avoiding eye contact.

Aaron closed his eyes for a moment.

‘Robert?’ He asked. ‘Do you even care?’

Robert blew out air from his cheeks.

‘I miss you so badly, Aaron.’ He said it so quietly, placing the back of his hand against his mouth. Aaron could see his shoulders shake.

He’d pushed him too far. He pulled at his hand and held it tight.

‘Look. It’s not long. We’re on the final stretch OK? Just keep your head down, see the doctor, keep yourself clean if you can. It’s just for a little while longer. I’m here.’

Robert breathed out.

‘I want to be with you.’

‘I know. I want that too.’

‘Aaron...’

‘What?’

Robert beckoned him to lean forward, pulling him close across the table with a hand on the back of his neck.

He whispered in his ear.

‘Happy Birthday, my husband!’

‘My birthday’s cancelled until you’re out and then I want a very special party. Just the two of us. OK?

Robert kissed Aaron’s cheek.

 

In the car Aaron hesitated and then called Cain.

‘I need a favour. Something I’ve been putting off, but it can’t wait any longer.’

Cain listened.

‘Right you are.’

 

After he hung up he called Clive.

‘I want Robert home. You said you were working on it.’

‘Yes. I have some news. Do you want to meet and we can go over it?’

‘Sure. If you’re free come to the Woolpack. I’m on my way there now. Clive...’

He hesitated.

‘It’s enough now.’

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron tries to support Robert, but is upset when he finds out some disturbing information about his husband in prison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw a bit of blood and violence

At night, Aaron would wait in the dark, thinking of Robert, pulling the cover up under his chin and stroking down his own arms to warm himself.

He would stroke lower down when his temperature raised, pushing his pajama trousers down, pushing his hips up against his hand. His thoughts would narrow, focusing on the physical, Robert’s touch, until he gasped and his heart shuddered against his ribs and, sometimes, that would be enough.

But often his thoughts would still drift. History, conversations, feelings relived.

And then some noise would pull him back to the present; a car alarm in the distance, a motor bike running up out of the village, a bird call or a dog bark in the dark. He’d narrow his breathing and listen intently not moving, straining, just in case it was what he was dreading most.

Just in case it was a phone call from the prison.

But tonight was different.

Aaron scrunched up his eyes in the dark, lying on his side, curling and uncurling his fists, angry at himself for the tears wetting his face. He ran the back of his hand over his mouth.

He was disgusted.

He hated Robert.

He wanted him right there, right now so badly, just so he could call him out. He would pull him close by the collar of his shirt and look him straight in the eye, lips curled, just so he could watch him flinch.

Aaron’s stomach and throat burned. How could Robert love him and still be so reckless? So wrong? And Aaron loved him. How could he love someone like that? But he did. He’d married him.

He threw off the covers and made his way downstairs. In the kitchen he picked up the newly framed wedding picture Vic had dropped off just before Christmas. It was in the garden at the wedding, after everyone had gone inside and Aaron was holding Robert’s hand up against his chest. Robert’s full lips were slightly parted. Aaron recalled the kiss after in the corridor and Lisa interrupting them. If she hadn’t walked by, who knows what would have happened.

 In the picture, still in the garden, they were facing each other. Now Aaron scrutinized Robert’s eyes, looking for the hidden Robert.

 Aaron’s gaze shifted to his hand holding the frame. He noticed the bruising on his fist and grimaced. He put the picture back down and went to find some ice.

 

When he’d got back from the prison, the birthday cake was on the table in the kitchen at the Woolpack. A large chocolate affair decorated with raspberries and red frosted petals and candles. Aaron glanced sideways at it with a frown.

‘What’s that?’

‘Your birthday cake, love.’ Chas smiled at him as he came into the room.

‘Well take it away. I’m not interested.’

‘Aaron...’ Chas warned.

Belle stood by the counter, looking crestfallen.

‘I just wanted to do something nice for you.’ She murmured.

‘Oh God! Belle! Sorry, I mean... I just can’t. Not today.’

 

The wait on the line was interminable. When he finally got through, he gave Robert’s prison number and then after another long wait he was put through to someone in the prison office. Someone he’d never met. Someone he didn’t know from Adam.

‘I’m Robert’s husband. Robert Sugden, I mean.’ He explained. ‘I think he’s not well. I think you should know. I’d like you to have him see a doctor.’

He needed to be careful. If Robert was taking drugs illegally, he didn’t want to get him in trouble, and perish the thought that he might run the risk of him losing any rights to an early probation. But if he saw a doctor they’d see the bruises, too. It might alert them.

‘Look. His cell mate died at Christmas. I think he’s ill because of that.’ 

‘We’re keeping an eye on Robert. Please be sure that he is being well supervised.’

‘You do know that he’s got clinical depression. That he’s already... before, that he was sectioned for, you know, trying to...’ Aaron’s voice faltered. His eyes traced the pale floral pattern of the wallpaper.

‘As I said before, Robert is being well supervised. We have his medical records and while Robert serves his prison sentence his health and safety are under our care.’

Aaron felt like he was being read a script.

‘He’s not even washing. What does that tell you?’ He asked.

‘Mr Sugden, look, it really is fairly normal given the time of year for prisoners to get low.  Perhaps you could apply for a home leave to reassure both of you, give you both a break?’

‘He didn’t get granted a leave at Christmas.’

‘Well, more reason to apply now. Of course I can’t say it would be accepted, but it might be worth applying?’

 

Clive took off his grey suit jacket and sat in his shirt and waistcoat, his tailored grey trousers tight over his muscular thighs. Aaron found it difficult to meet his eyes. His thoughts drifting to the meeting room at the court house the week before, sitting astride Robert’s lap, Clive wearing headphones. Had he been listening to music? To the news? Or nothing at all and really listening to them all along? To flesh moving against flesh. To Robert’s stifled moans. The bruises from Robert’s fingers holding him so tight had only just faded.

Clive put his briefcase on the table with a frown.

‘He wasn’t good you say?’

Aaron nodded.

He lowered his voice to a whisper, not wanting his Mum to hear.

‘I don’t think he’s seen the doctor and he’s self medicating I’m sure. And now without Lucas, he seems isolated. Like why isn’t he washing? He had these bruises, too. I think he’s being victimized for being gay.’

Clive inclined his head with a sigh.

‘Well I’ll see him tomorrow. We’ve always known it’s possible. Anyway, let’s talk plans, I’ve been looking at two legal options. Firstly we can appeal for an early probation.’

‘Which would mean getting him home?’ Aaron tried not to smile.

‘Yes. He’d have a tag and a curfew, but you’d have him home. But, Aaron, I don’t want to get your hopes too high. We can argue that with the change of circumstances in his personal life, getting married to you, that he will be in a stable and better environment for his mental health and for rehabilitation, but finally we have to see how well that goes down with whoever is officiating over the decision.’

Aaron swallowed, trying to calm his heart which was racing.

‘But if anyone can do this, you can!’ Aaron looked at the floor blushing. ‘Robert always tells me to trust ya. He believes in you and so do I.’

Clive laughed and reaching forward touched Aaron’s shoulder.

‘You know I’ll do my best for you, of course I will! But there is a second possibility which is a transfer to an open prison. It’s sort of like a half way stage.’

‘So, how does that work then?’

Clive explained that Robert would be in a prison with his own room rather than sharing and he would go to work in the community and then go back to the prison at night. But he’d also get regular home leave, maybe every weekend even.

‘OK. So even that sounds better than how things are right now.’

Clive frowned again.

‘The disadvantage is that the nearest open prison is quite a distance away up near Northumberland. But with regular home leave...’

‘I suppose.’

Aaron thought about Robert being far away and hugged himself.

‘Listen,’ he added, ‘Can we apply for a home leave weekend now, anyway? Other prisoners got some at Christmas but we didn’t. I called and they said to ask.’

Clive nodded.

‘Of Course. There’s a form I can fill in with Robert and with you.’

 

It was around eight when Aaron got the text message.

Chas watched his face.

‘What’s going on, love? Something’s up!’

Aaron pulled on his coat.

‘I’ve just got something I need to do.’

‘Are you coming back?’

She called after him, but he was already gone out the back door.

 

Liam was crying.

Cain had picked him up in the courtyard behind the barber’s shop in Hotten where he’d just been for a short back and sides after work. He was growing a beard and had had that trimmed too. He’d stepped out and walked round the back to where he’d parked his car, but Cain had floored him with a punch to the side of the head before he’d even registered that he was there.

He and Aaron had dragged him out of the boot of the car and into the Leeds’ lock up.

Aaron wondered what he’d ever seen in him. A year ago today Liam had been with him to celebrate his birthday. They’d been for drinks in Bar West and later had a mutual hand job in the portacabin with the electric wall heater on.

‘Well, you’re a right vengeful little prick, aren’t you son?’ Cain’s mouth twisted. ‘But you know what? Me and Aaron here, we reckon things have gone about far enough. So now we’re here to have a friendly chat.’

Liam rolled his eyes, breathing through his nose, panting into the duck tape over his mouth.

‘Take it off him.’ Aaron said to Cain. ‘I want to hear what he’s got to say.’

Cain leaned forward and with a quick jerk removed the tape, stripping his skin around his mouth so that it smarted red and swollen with tiny beads of blood below his bottom lip. Liam spat and gasped to get his breath back.

‘What have I done? I don’t even know why I’m here?’

‘Don’t lie! You liar!’ Aaron snapped back at him. ‘You’ve been getting at Robert. I’ve seen what your thugs have done to him.’

‘You what?’

Aaron tried to keep his voice from shaking.

‘You heard me. You threatened him and your contacts on the inside have got to him. You know what I don’t get? You’re gay. So how can you condone these thugs getting away with this sort of stuff? That could be you!’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Liam grimaced.

‘Then here’s something to jog your memory.’

Cain landed a punch on Liam’s stomach.

‘Aaron!’ Liam gasped.

Aaron looked down at him. 

‘Just call them off, Liam. It’s that simple mate. Then we can go our way and you’ll go yours.’ His voice was light. He nodded softly at Liam who shook his head.

‘You are so deluded, Aaron. About Robert. When we first met you seemed to have a handle on it. You knew what he was like. You think he’s changed? No one can really change. Self serving chancer.’

Aaron felt his heart pounding. He balled his fist. He wouldn’t listen to this from Liam now, but Liam raised his voice.

‘It’s not me getting at him. It’s him! He’s the one! What happened to Lucas, you think I had anything to do with that at all? You’re as out of your head as that nutter of a husband of yours.’

Aaron was startled by Liam mentioning Lucas. He glanced rapidly over at Cain, then back to Liam.

‘Wh... what are you saying?’ he demanded.

‘Come on Aaron. Think about it? What’s Robert’s job in the prison?’

Aaron knew Robert was working in purchasing. It suited him. He was good at it. Liam wet his lips.

‘He’s using his position, Aaron. He’s supplying. He’s the one dealing out the dope. And he wouldn’t be the first dealer taking his own supplies. You should be thanking me for not grassing. If he gets caught they’ll extend his sentence.’

Aaron felt sick. He could hear himself breathing as his chest rose and fell like he’d been running. He didn’t want to listen to any more. He looked again at Cain and saw him look down, look away. Aaron shook his head. Cain believed it. After all, they all knew Robert.

He wanted to reverse back in time. Make Liam’s words go away.

Liam watched Aaron’s face and saw it drain of color.

He sneered.

‘So his little prison husband, Lucas, died. But ultimately that would have been Robert’s fault, too. And I heard they could hear them all through the prison at it every night, then taking a shower together every morning...’

Aaron hit Liam.

There was just white light and the speed of it and the pain of the impact of flesh on his fist.

He hit him a second time, but Cain held him back with arms under his shoulders, stepping backwards and away, a voice in his ear.

‘Aaron!You’ll get life if he...’

Aaron staggered out of the lock up and threw up against the grass verge, leaning against the wall, and feeling the first flurry of snowflakes falling against his face in the dark.

 

The following Wednesday Vic called Aaron. He was working outside at the scrapyard under the grey winter sky. Adam had taken the truck to pick up some scrap, but it was getting late in the afternoon. He pulled off his gloves to take the call.

‘So I got a visiting order from Rob for tomorrow. Can you drive me then and we can go in together? No point in taking two cars, is there.’

Aaron closed his eyes.

‘I’m not going, Vic.’

‘You what?’

‘I’m not going in.’

‘Well, why?’

‘Just... stuff I have to sort out, in my head.’

‘Aaron! You know he’ll be devastated if he doesn’t see you! You can’t let him down.’

Aaron bit his lip. _Like he lets me down, again and again_ he thought.

‘I need a break.’

There was a pause, then he could hear the anger and the agitation in Vic’s voice.

‘Well I hope you feel pleased with yourself! He’d move heaven and earth for you! I don’t know how you can bear to be so selfish.’

Aaron hesitated.

‘Just tell him... I love him.’

 

On the Friday, Clive called.

'So you got the home leave. You need to pick him up in person at three this afternoon. I hope you both have a good time. I'm so glad you got this. And Aaron, he wasn't well when I saw him, I think you were right, but I put in the applications and we'll see where we get. I'll keep you posted.'

Aaron felt his heart race. He hadn't anticipated the home leave so soon. He'd prepared himself for disappointment. For a while he thought about telling Vic to pick Robert up, but then they'd probably cancel it and the truth was that he needed to see him.

At three he'd parked the car and gone to the gate to meet him.

He was still so angry.

He knew when he saw Robert he might cry from it.

Robert was already standing at the gate. He noticed how nervous he looked. His hair was still unkempt, his skin pale and he also looked too thin now.  Aaron shook his head, perhaps he could get Robert to cook for them over the weekend, but then he frowned, wondering how they could just play house, now that he knew.

He stepped forward to greet him.

Robert looked away, avoiding eye contact.

'Where were you yesterday?' He asked quietly, looking down the cobbled paving stones.

Aaron swallowed.

'Can we talk when we get home?'

Robert turned and, putting his hands in his pockets, looked at Aaron's face.

'What did I do?' He asked so softly.

All at once Aaron sobbed.

'Look. We'll talk when we get home!'

And then Robert's arms were around him and he closed his eyes.

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is granted a home leave and Aaron picks him up from the prison, but Robert is clearly not well and doesn't want to go home straight away. They book into a hotel for the afternoon and share some intimate moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw some mentions of physical violence and description of bruises

Being in the car together, being side by side, being unsupervised, it made Aaron’s breath shorten. The temperature in the car seemed too hot, too stuffy. He wound the window down a fraction, just to let in some air, and then saw Robert shiver and wound it up again fast.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Robert’s hand resting on his thigh, his long legs so close, Aaron wanted to reach with his left hand and touch him. Instead he turned on the radio.

‘You want to listen to something? Some music?’ He asked gently. ‘Or there might be some sports news? There’s a boxing match on tonight, Kell Brook. Should be good. I thought we could watch, if...if that sounds alright to you?’

‘Thought Khan was your favourite?’ Robert glanced at him with a half smile. Aaron, in profile, laughed shyly, blowing air from his nose.

‘Well you know he is,’ He conceded, ‘...but he hasn’t fought any matches for a while.’

It was a lifetime ago, when Aaron had stayed that week at Home Farm with Robert that they’d watched Khan fight. It had stayed a joke between them. Aaron had got such a boner during the match, then Robert had gone down on him with his mouth, taking his time, till Aaron had come hard and Robert had almost choked. They’d both laughed, called it the Amir Khan effect. Laughter was something new to them in those days, something surprising and they’d kissed, Robert’s eyes tightly closed while Aaron tasted himself on Robert’s lips.

But of course it wasn’t Khan. It was Robert. It was always Robert. There, then, with Chrissie away, Robert wanting him there for the first time. Staying overnight, Robert’s thighs in shorts pressed up against him, Robert’s lips red from kissing.

They dropped into silence.

There was a call-in chat show on the radio, they were talking about fracking with anti fracking campaigners.

Aaron spoke again.

‘And Diane insisted on popping round to see you this afternoon.’

‘Wh...?’

‘I know, I know...look she won’t stay long, she promised. I tried to persuade her to leave it till the morning but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She hasn’t seen you since the wedding and she misses you, Robert. They all do.’

‘I can’t see her, Aaron.’

‘Yes, you can.’

‘I can’t. Not like... Not yet, I mean. Let’s not go to the cottage yet.’

Aaron glanced at Robert. He could see how pale Robert’s eyes looked.

‘You’re on a curfew. You’re wearing a tag. If you don’t come home they’ll look for you and maybe take you back, and then you’ll lose your probation, too.’

‘Then we won’t go home for a few hours, we’ll just go in time for the curfew.’

‘Well, where do you want to go?’

‘I don’t know, a hotel?’

‘You’re joking?’

‘I’m not joking.’

 

So they checked into the White Hart.

Aaron paid with his credit card. Robert stood next to him. He was sweating inspite of the cold day, Aaron glanced at his shaking hands and Robert, noticing, put them in his pockets. Aaron tried to ignore the way the receptionist looked at him, like they were wondering about his mental state, whether he was dangerous or not.

‘Come on, then.’ He held Robert’s elbow gently and steered him towards the lift.

As they went up, Aaron’s heart started racing. They were going to be in a hotel room which meant maybe they were going to make love. And even after everything Liam had said and all his anger, there was nothing he could do. He wanted him so much.

He placed the key card in the door and they went in to discover a spacious modern room with a large double bed. The front of the hotel overlooked the Harrogate highstreet with shops and cafes, but here, at the back, the room was quiet, with the window overlooking the pub garden and trees bare of leaves in the winter afternoon.

Aaron drew the curtains and smiled at Robert who was still standing near the door.

He sat on the bed and undid his coat.

‘You going to sit down then?’ He smiled again, trying to make an effort to reassure Robert. They hadn’t even kissed yet. It was wierd. When Aaron visited Robert in prison it was always the first and last thng they did, like a ritual, a religion. Now Aaron fought down the idea that Robert not kissing him was some sort of rejection.

Robert walked through into the bathroom and then out again.

‘Can you call housekeeping and ask for a razor? And some toothpaste and a toothbrush? And a hairbrush?’

‘We could’ve just gone home.’ Aaron made an attempt at laughter.

‘No, this is better. I, um, I’m going to take a bath.’

Aaron nodded.

‘I’m your husband.’ His voice came out so light. ‘Do I get to join you?’

He watched as Robert clenched his jaw.

‘Sorry, I er... Aaron, look at me! I need to wash!’

Aaron closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. He so desperately needed to hear from Robert what was going on. He needed for them to talk.

‘Look.’ Robert added. ‘Will you buy me some clothes?’

‘You’ve got clothes at home.’ Aaron answered, then saw Robert look away. ‘OK. What do you need?’

‘Everything.’

Aaron nodded.

 ‘Robert.’ Aaron called after Robert as he stepped back into the bathroom. ‘Don’t lock the door! I get it, you don’t want me to come in, but just, don’t lock it, eh?’

Robert’s tongue flickered over his lips. ‘I’m used to locked doors.’

‘I know. But not today.’

 

Out on the street Aaron got his breath back. It was a good thing Robert wanted to clean up, he told himself, but why was he in such a state, was it the drugs? And was he being targeted in spite of what Liam said? They needed to have that talk, but only when Robert was ready, when it was the right time.

Now he called Vic.

‘We’ll be home later than I thought, but he doesn’t want to see anyone today, sorry, can we just give him some space Vic? Can you tell Diane? I know she’ll be disappointed but...’

‘This is cos you wouldn’t see him. He’s upset. I told you.’

‘No. It’s nothing to do with me.’ Aaron countered. ‘But Vic. I need a favour. I really want to have proper food to eat over the weekend and the whole home leave thing happened so quickly I didn’t have the chance to shop or anything... and anyway you know I don’t cook. Can you drop us something for dinner? Just for tonight? After that I’ll sort it.’

‘Course I will. You know I’d do anything for the two of yous. I’ve got a steak and ale pie. I'll do some veg to go with it. But you just sort it out with him! You’re newly weds, don’t forget.’

Aaron sat down on a bench in a small green park between two streets, hands stuffed in his coat pockets against the cold. There were large rhododendron bushes and a grey squirrel approached in stops and starts, while some children nearby squealed with delight. He put his hands over his eyes and cried for a while. _Newly weds._ He wanted Robert to be well. And he wanted him to be honest. Now he wanted to kiss his mouth. Why hadn’t Robert kissed him? He wanted that intimacy with his husband. He rolled his eyes skywards. He needed to talk to someone.

Maybe he needed Paddy. He wondered why he hadn’t thought of it before. Thinking about telling Paddy made him feel calmer.

He wiped his eyes and went in search of clothes.

Actually they’d never even shopped for clothes together and Harrogate, with it’s boutique style menswear shops, wasn’t the kind of place Aaron usually went to get his hoodies. But he knew Robert’s size, he knew his body so well, every last inch of it, so he ventured into a shop and looked around.

He bought him some dark jeans and a belt because Robert looked like he’d lost some weight, a white T-shirt, a casual shirt and a sweater, a packet of boxer briefs and some socks. He frowned, wondering whether to get him shoes, but he wanted to get back, and his trainers were OK. He had shoes at home.

He looked at his watch and hesitated outside the chemist. He went in and, stomach knotted, he bought some lube, just in case. Robert was his husband and they were newly weds Vic had said, and they were in a hotel room.

He slid the key card into the door.

 Robert wasn’t in the bedroom. Aaron put the bags of clothes down on a chair and moved swiftly to the bathroom.

He hesitated then opened the door quietly.

‘Robert?’ he breathed.

Robert was lying in the hot bath, hair washed and wet, head on one side, eyes closed. One arm was bent at the elbow so that his hand rested over his chest, his fingers just touching his collar bone.

For one sickening moment, Aaron thought he wasn’t breathing. It was just under a year ago now when he’d found him, that night, another bathroom, then the ambulance and all the events put in motion. But then he saw Robert stir and open his eyes. He looked straight at Aaron and smiled.

Aaron smiled back, exhaling with relief.

‘Hey!’

Then he saw Robert’s body and his heart lurched. He raised his hand to cover his mouth with the shock as he took in the  myriad of bruises. Bruises in the shape of  purple clouds covered his torso around his lower ribs and hips at both sides. His stomach had deep single stains of dark indigo, his thighs were a mosaic of purple green and yellow.

They’d been quite deliberately applied, nothing anywhere visible, nothing to attract attention. Except that Robert must be in so much pain. A glance to the shelf by the sink revealed packets of medicine. He’d already admitted at the courthouse to taking stuff to help him sleep, what else was he using? Aaron resisted the urge to walk over and examine each packet in turn, to interrogate Robert about what, where and why.

He sank to his knees by the bath.

‘What have they been doing to you?’ He gasped, his voice shaking.

‘Aaron, Aaron! It’s OK! I’ll be OK. I’m managing this. Please.’

Aaron sobbed in spite of himself, kneeling by the bath in his outdoor coat, head bowed. He couldn’t trust himself to speak.

Robert lifted his hand and stroked it gently over the back of Aaron’s head and neck.

‘It’s OK Aaron. Please, it’s OK!’

Aaron nodded, still looking down.

‘Aaron, I love you! I love you so much! Don’t! I can’t bear for you to be upset!’

‘They’re going to kill you! And I.... don’t... even know why.’ Aaron sobbed, wiping the back of his hand over his eyes.

‘I’ll tell you! I didn’t want you to know because I knew you’d be like this. I’m sorry!’

Robert started to climb out of the bath. As he turned Aaron could see the bruises on his back, echoing the damage on the front of his body. Aaron stood and Robert grabbed a towel and started to wipe down his body. He saw Aaron’s tears were still spilling down his cheeks and pulled him into a hug.

‘That’s why I sent you to buy the clothes, I didn’t want you to see. I knew you’d be upset. But then I fell asleep.’ He rocked Aaron, pulling his face into his neck.

‘So, what... you were intending to keep hidden from me all weekend, not to touch me?’

Robert laughed. ‘OK. It wasn’t such a good plan. I dunno. Maybe I thought we could touch in the dark.’

Robert put his thumb on Aaron’s chin, and all at once they were kissing. Aaron half crying into the kiss, holding his naked husband, still wearing his winter coat in the steamy bathroom in Harrogate, wondering how he got there on a Friday afternoon in winter, not wanting to be anywhere else, just so long as he was with Robert and they were safe.

‘So you’re going tell me now ...what’s going on?’ Aaron wiped his face with his sleeve as they pulled apart.

‘I will, I will. Give me a moment first, eh? I miss you so much. Can we just ... I don’t know... be together, first for a short while?’

‘Shall we... can we, get into bed then?’ Aaron asked. ‘Not... I don’t mean.. ‘ he blushed, feeling stupidly awkward. Robert would think he only cared about one thing.

They moved to the bedroom and Robert got quickly into the bed under the covers while Aaron undressed, first unzipping his winter coat and pulling it off.

‘Do you want to see the clothes I got you? You may need to change something if it’s the wrong size.’

‘Later.’ Robert said.

Aaron swallowed and reached for the shoulders of his hoodie pulling it off over his head, suddenly conscious of Robert watching him with narrowed eyes. He kicked off his shoes and then unfastened his trousers and stepped out of them, then slipped under the sheet next to Robert in his boxers and T-shirt.

They lay close to each other face to face. Robert held Aaron’s chin again and kissed him with short soft kisses, pulling gently at his lips before pushing them apart and exploring with his tongue. Aaron returned the kiss, stroking against Robert’s tongue. Robert felt his shoulders start to shake, and tasted salt in Aaron’s mouth as Aaron let his tears get the better of him yet again.

‘What?’ He whispered, half smiling, stroking a hand down over his shoulder and arm.

Aaron bit his lips.

‘I’m just so in love with you.’ He laughed through his tears. ‘Is it normal to be so in love with your husband?’

Robert laughed back, still stroking down Aaron’s side over the material of his T-shirt and boxers.

‘If you’re so in love, get your kit off!’ He stretched his eyes, grinning.

Aaron quickly divested himself of his clothes and grabbed the lube from where he’d dropped it with the rest of the shopping.

He lay on his back and Robert moved over him.

‘Will you be alright? I mean, you’re hurt, we don’t have to...’ Aaron whispered, but he moaned as he felt Robert’s fingers, the cold lube in contact with his body, the heat of Robert’s torso above him.

‘Try stopping me.’ Robert whispered, resting on his elbows either side of Aaron’s face. He kissed him tenderly again and then entered him slowly.

They made love, Robert moving with deep strokes, both of them calling out at the intensity as the pleasure built between them. Aaron reached for Robert’s hips, then remembered the bruising and just brushed his finger tips there, knowing any pressure would hurt him more. When he came he reached up and held onto to Robert’s shoulders, unable to stop himself curling his fingers into his skin and flesh.

Afterwards, as Robert lay collapsed over him, he reached his hand up and stroked his fingers through Robert’s long blonde hair, still slightly damp from the bath.

‘Look.’ He teased, ‘ I know you’re a bit on the skinny side these days, but you’re still still dead heavy, I can’t breathe, can you...’

Robert lifted his head and they smiled at each other then Robert moved next to him.

Aaron turned on his side and touched his bruises gently. ‘I can go back to the chemist, get something to put on them, I don’t know, witch hazel or something?’

‘Don’t be soft.’ Robert replied. Aaron could see his eyes were closing. He would sleep, so Aaron, anxious about the curfew, quickly reached for his phone and set the alarm.

‘Half an hour. That’s all you’ve got.’ He said, lying down turning onto his back. Robert shifted next to him and pressed his mouth against Aaron’s throat, finding the quiet space there, his arm over Aaron’s chest. Aaron wrapped his arm over his shoulder and they closed their eyes and drifted into sleep.

 

Aaron woke, startled by the alarm, but Robert slept on.

He wanted to stay there forever with Robert so close, feeling him breathing, smelling his skin, but the thought of the curfew made him shift and he eased himself gently away from his side, then made them each a cup of tea using the kettle and Yorkshire tea bags provided in the room. The light had changed, it was darker, and in the distance Aaron could hear the rumble of rush hour traffic.

He woke Robert.

‘Rob! Robert. We need to get moving soon. I made you tea.’

Robert blinked and started to pull himself up to a sitting position. Aaron saw him grimace, and knew he was in pain. When Robert reached for the tea, Aaron saw his hands were shaking once again. He frowned.

Robert reached out and held Aaron’s wrist.

‘I left some pills in the bathroom. Would you bring them?’

‘OK. But, what are you taking Robert? Did the doctor prescribe them?’

‘How can I show the doctor this?’ Robert indicated the bruises around his ribs.

Aaron blinked.

‘How can you not? For God’s sake, you could have some internal injury, I don’t know, a damaged kidney, anything!’

Robert pouted, but Aaron went on.

‘So if the doctor didn’t prescribe them for you, where did you get them?’ He could hear his voice, the accusation.

Robert looked at him.

‘It’s why you didn’t come, yesterday, isn’t it? You heard something about me.’

Aaron shook his head. He sat down on the chair at the end of the room by the table with the kettle, and stirred his tea.

‘You said we’d talk. So talk!’ Aaron said.

‘I am talking.’

‘Well I’m listening.’

Robert searched his face.

‘You know, don’t you. It’s why you’re upset. It's why you didn't come to the prison visit yesterday.’

‘What?’ Aaron could feel his heart hammering. He knew Robert was going to say something. That it was going to break his heart all over again.

‘That I killed him. I killed Lucas. You know. You found out didn’t you? That’s why you didn’t come to visit. I killed him, just like I killed Katie. Just like I killed Max. I killed him.’

Aaron bent double in the chair as dusk fell in the room.

‘Whatever you did. I love you.’ He sobbed.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert talk. Robert explains what happened to Lucas. Aaron asks for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: brief references to self harm, rape, drug abuse, suicide

‘Did you sleep with him?’

Aaron sat naked on the chair at the end of the room, the tea beside him forgotten, watching his husband. Robert was sitting up against the headboard of the bed, his hands shaking as he ran them over his face.

‘Was that what happened? Did he...did he try to blackmail you? I dunno, maybe he was threatening you, maybe threatening... to tell me?’

Aaron could hear his voice tremble. It shouldn’t matter. Robert had just confessed to murder or something similar and all Aaron could wonder about was whether his husband had had sex in a prison cell with his dead cell mate. It was thinking about what Liam had said. He’d tried so hard to push the words of Liam away, The way he’d taunted _they could hear them all through the prison… at it every night_ _._ But the last week it was the last thing he’d heard in his mind every night, over and over, as he’d tried to forget and sleep.

And ultimately, wasn’t that exactly how Katie had died? Robert protecting a marriage, keeping a secret? Aaron felt like he was falling back into a cruel sickness after remission.

He looked down.

‘No!’ Robert objected, but there was something in his voice.

Aaron waited, breathless.

‘He touched me...’

Aaron closed his eyes.

‘Where?’

‘My shoulders, my back-,’ Robert swallowed. ‘- like a massage.’

‘And then what...? A hand job? Or did, did he blow you? Or...or...?’

The trouble was, Aaron had been inside, so he knew. He knew sex was against prison rules, but he knew it went on anyway. Everybody knew.

‘No! I love you, Aaron. Why wouldn’t you trust me?’

Aaron knew there were lads, blokes inside prisons, straight blokes usually, lonely, stressed, looking for affection and physical release, who did it. Men who’d grown up in the midst of homophobia. Sometimes they topped themselves after, not able to face their wives, girlfriends, families. So two gay men...or one gay, one bi... in a cell, together.

Aaron rolled his eyes skywards.

‘It’s not about trust!’

He watched Robert flinch at his words.

‘We, we showered together.’

‘In the same cubicle?’

‘There are curtains. He wanted to wash me. He wanted to be close. I never touched him, Aaron, I swear.’

‘But he touched you.’

‘He used the soap, once.’ Robert’s voice was barely a whisper.

‘Oh Christ!’

Aaron asked. ‘And, and,...did he fuck you? Did he fuck you in the shower?’

‘No! Yes! I think so.’

‘You think so?’

‘There was this one time. I was off my head, I don’t know. I think so. I think it might have happened. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!’

‘So I was right?’

It was happening again. All the pain, the constriction round his chest and throat. Aaron swallowed and swallowed again. He stood up. He wanted to run, no worse, he knew what he wanted, he could already feel the sharp strokes on his skin. He shivered, eyes closed, letting his teeth bite down on his lips, his fingers pinching at the tops of his thighs.

He stood up panicking, looking for his clothes, he needed to get away, fast. His heart was thundering so all he could hear was a rushing like the ocean in his head.

Then he saw Robert, watching him, then swinging his legs over the side of the bed, leaning over, head in hands, the brusied pale skin of his back.

Robert turned his face sideways to Aaron, his eyes streaked with tears.

‘You...did it to me, remember? You did it to me! You slept with Liam! You hurt me first!’ Robert shouted the words, fighting to get them out, competing with the sobs trying to force themselves up from his heaving chest.

Aaron stood frozen, his clothes in his hand where he’d picked them up from the floor.

Ten months. It was ten months since that moment, when he’d made that stupid, stupid mistake. And there was the pain, still raw. Aaron thought about his words to Liam, the words that Liam had spat back at him _he’s a disaster._ It wasn’t Robert who was the disaster at all, it was him. He was the disaster. He’d caused all this. Robert had said over and over to Aaron not to blame himself, but how could he help it?

He dropped his clothes again and sat by his husband. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

‘I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Robert!’

‘No! I’m sorry. I was trying so hard to make everything work. To do my time. I thought this was my chance, you know, to start again, to make amends. And it was...’

‘I know!’ Aaron noticed how cold he was, how cold they both were. He tugged at the bed cover and tried to pull it around them.

‘I don’t know for sure. I was so out of it. I told him not to touch me, but...’

‘Did he... he didn’t... rape you, then?’

Robert looked confused.

‘No!’

‘What were you on. Robert? What drugs have you been taking, darlin’?’

Robert turned his face, startled by the endearment he’d never heard from Aaron before. Not even on their wedding night.

‘A few, different things and klonopin, ketamine.’

‘But that’s the, what do they call it, date rape drug, isn’t it?’

‘It’s a painkiller.’

‘So why were you taking it?’

‘I wasn’t going to take it. I was...’ Robert hesitated again, ‘... supplying it.’

Aaron looked away biting his lip. So that was right too. Everything Liam had said seemed to be true, then.

‘Lucas needed it because of what they did to him. Then he suggested... so I took it, too.’

Aaron shook his head but turning, he stroked Robert’s neck with his fingers and kissed his hair.

He moved his hands down and held Robert’s fingers.

‘Listen, Robert. I’m confused. Did you, did you kill Lucas cos he raped you?’

‘No. He... didn’t. He wouldn’t have done something like that.’

Robert paused and looked at the black night outside.

‘Are you going to take me back to the prison, then? You won’t want me home now.’

Aaron stood up.

‘On My God! The curfew! Get dressed quickly. We can still get back home in time. You’re not leaving my side this weekend, mate! I’m not giving up our home leave. Don’t even think about it! And when we’re home I need you to explain everything!’

 

Aaron dressed hurriedly while Robert dressed in the clothes that Aaron had bought him, wincing as he negotiated his bruises. Aaron turned and helped him to fasten the buttons on the shirt and to pull the new soft grey sweater over his head.

‘If I’d known, I would have got you looser stuff, sportswear.’ Aaron muttered.

‘No, no, this is what I wanted, you know me.’

He looked so good, Aaron had to look away.

In the lobby, the receptionists who’d looked at him so nervously when they came into the hotel, now followed him with admiring glances as they left the hotel and went back to the car.

This time Aaron didn’t turn on the radio as he drove them back to Emmerdale, but he reached out his hand and took Robert’s and held it tightly against his thigh, only releasing his grip to change gear, then holding him again.

He felt Robert’s eyes on his face and glanced sideways at him.

‘We’re going to be alright. We’re going home.’

‘You don’t regret... marrying me?’ Robert asked so quietly.

Aaron looked at the dark road ahead and the January rain falling in the headlights.

He felt a tear fall. He really did need to find Paddy.

‘Not a chance, mate.’ He answered.

 

The cottage was cold.

They’d made it in time for the curfew. The monitor for Robert’s tag had been fitted in the cottage when they got married and some blokes had come round and reactivated as soon as Clive called. Now it was working and presumably they would be OK.

Vic had left the steak and ale pie as promised on the kitchen table with a dish of vegetables and a note.

_Heat the pie in the oven at Mark 4 for 30 minutes and put the vegetables in the microwave. Hope you’re alright and Diane and I will be round early in the morning tomorrow, no argument, so don’t even bother. We want to see you Robert! ( And be good to each other!) XX_

Aaron turned the oven on to heat and then opened the cupboard to the boiler to change the setting on the central heating. Robert stood behind him and hesitated then slipped an arm tentatively around his waist.

‘New boiler! It looks great!’

Aaron leaned back into his touch then pulled away too soon, as suddenly he thought about Lucas. He saw the flash of hurt in Robert’s face and touched his arm.

‘Can you make the fire up?’ He asked. ‘Then let’s talk, eh?’

Robert nodded and and turned back to the living room.

From the kitchen Aaron could see him laying out the wood and the kindling and newspaper, not quite believing that he was there.

Aaron had got the news from Clive so late that he hadn’t had time to sort the place out.

There was a half eaten piece of toast and an empty mug on the coffee table with yesterday’s newspaper open at the sports page, the games console for Fifa16, He looked at the sofa and knew that there was a copy of a male fitness magazine under a cushion and blushed knowing what he’d done with his hand, looking at a particular photograph, the night before. There was an article about best brands for vibrators for him and her that he’d read, too. If Robert had been home, if everything was normal between them, he’d have read it over his shoulder, breathing against his throat. Robert loved that racy stuff. They’d have ended up making love slowly on the couch.

Then Aaron thought about Lucas, touching Robert’s shoulders and back. He raised his arm and wiped away sudden tears of anger that smarted on his eyes.

He looked at his watch and went into the living room.

‘Remember, what we promised about letting each other in? It’s time now. Let me in. Tell me what’s been going on, mate!’

He took Robert’s hands, and pulled him to sit by his side.

Robert nodded and started to speak.

‘OK so you remember, they changed my cell. You asked me if I was having problems, with other inmates, I told you it was Lucas, that Lucas was having problems, remember? There are some blokes inside. Local. They’ve been there a while and they like to think they run things. They’d given him such a hiding, Aaron, like this, like me.’ He indicated his bruises.

‘For being gay? So what about you?’

Robert shook his head.

‘I was trying to keep my head down, wasn’t I? It’s what you told me to do when I first went inside. I listened to you. I always listen to you. But Lucas, you saw him. He was more camp, more, more obvious.’

Aaron attempted a smile.

‘You’re quite camp, actually.’ He teased.

‘Yeah? Thanks for that!’

‘Somehow the screws got wind of it, that they were having a go at Lucas, so that’s why they decided to move him to a cell with me. They knew about you and me, that I had a boyfriend and then that we were getting married. But what they didn’t know was that thing were getting worse for Lucas. This group of prisoners, they started to ask him for favours, sexual favours. He was too scared to say no. They gave him drugs as a payment. He’d been taking stuff for a while, anyway, to cope, after his partner left him...’

Robert closed his eyes and Aaron squeezed his hand reassuringly.

‘I wanted to help him Aaron, I hated to see him suffering and so I thought, I could get hold of drugs for him and then he could just say no. So I did. I used some old contacts and my position in purchasing and I got him his drugs. But then everything went wrong. It was after, after we got married, the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas. They were threatening him and he was so afraid. That’s why we...he... he couldn’t go for a shower Aaron  because they’d be waiting for him, so we’d go together, you know, safety in numbers.’

He looked at Aaron, pressing his lips together, frowning.

‘It wasn’t meant...I didn’t mean... for anything to happen. But they cancelled the visiting orders and I was feeling ... the black dog, Aaron. I thought I was self medicating but things got out of control... All I could think about was you...’

Aaron blinked back tears.

‘What happened then?’

‘And then, and then, he died.’

‘How?’

‘I gave him drugs and he overdosed. He.. he didn’t want to live.’

‘You knew? You helped him then? Like me- ’ Aaron couldn’t breathe, he stood up, shaking. ‘- and Jackson.’

Robert leapt to his feet and held Aaron tight to his chest.

‘No, no. Not like you and Jackson. I was never brave like you. Or strong like you. I didn’t know. I didn’t know what he’d planned.’

Aaron sobbed and pulled away.

‘So why did you say you’d killed him?’

‘Well, I did. I gave him the drugs. I told him to say no. If I’d just left well alone, he’d be alive.’

Aaron nodded. A wave of relief combined with grief rushed over him.

‘But it was him, not you. You were trying to help and it went wrong. But now what’s going on? They’re after you?’

Robert nodded.

‘Then we have to do something.’

 

They could smell the steak and ale pie. The crust was burnt. Neither of them had any appetite anyway. Aaron poured them both whiskey and they ate a few mouthfuls before giving up and abandoning the plates.

Aaron helped Robert shed his grey sweater, grimacing over his bruises.

‘Make love to me.’ Robert caught Aaron’s wrist.

They sank back on the sofa, Aaron over Robert, kissing his full hot lips, pushing into his mouth with his tongue. He put his hand on Robert’s waist under the layers of his shirt and T-shirt, touching his skin lightly.

Robert pushed down his trousers and boxers so he was undressed from the waist down. Aaron looked at him and trembled, reaching for him. Even with the bruises, so much more beautiful than a picture in a magazine. Then all at once he had an image of a stranger’s hand, of soap.

‘Wait. We, uh, we need a condom. There’ll be some in the bathroom.’

Robert blinked at him.

‘Why?’

‘You know why.’

Robert grabbed his wrist.

‘Aaron. I’m sorry.’ He said.

‘Not now.’

When he came back from the bathroom, Robert was waiting on the couch, hand over his hard length.

‘Fuck!’ Aaron groaned. He stripped quickly till he was naked, grateful for the heat generated by the newly lit fire. He could feel Robert’s eyes on his body, wanting him.

He moved onto the couch shuffling between Robert’s thighs.

They were both trembling now. Aaron moaned and rocked forward, unbuttoning Robert’s shirt from the top downwards, pushing it off his shoulders, then carefully pulling off his T-shirt too.

Then he rolled on the condom and pushed inside.

He needed this and for a while nothing else in the world mattered.

  

Later they dressed in pyjamas and turned on the boxing. Robert quickly fell asleep, his head resting on Aaron’s shoulder.

Aaron kissed him, then extracted himself.

He phoned Paddy.

‘It’s about Robert. I’m in a state Paddy. I need to talk to you.’


	30. Chapter 30

‘Why are you going? We’ve got such a short time.’

Robert looked at Aaron who was standing by the door, holding his keys. Victoria and Diane were staring at him, too.

He hesitated.

‘I just, I need to shop for stuff. I didn’t know you were coming and, you saw the fridge.’

‘We can shop online, get a delivery. Or Vic can shop for us. Can’t you Vic?’

Aaron shook his head. He felt drained. This wasn’t how he’d imagined it and they’d had such a rough night. At first he’d struggled to wake Robert from the sofa, get him to bed, and then later he’d woken with a searing pain in his thigh, feeling dazed until he’d realized Robert had been kicking out in his sleep. He’d turned on his side and placed a hand on Robert’s chest, watching his eyes moving under his closed eyelids. His long hair was wet on the pillow and he could feel Robert’s heart racing under his rib cage, through the cotton of his T-shirt.

‘Rob! Robert. I’m here.’ He’d said gently.

He heard Robert mutter unclearly and then all at once he’d called out- ‘Andy!’ Then he’d sat up, staring ahead of him, panting.

Aaron stroked his back.

‘Robert! You OK?’ He’d asked softly.

Robert moved the covers, stood up and walked to the corner of the room. Suddenly Aaron had realized he was taking a piss.

He lept out of bed.

‘No, you don’t, mate!’ He’d stopped him, two hands holding him by the arms. Robert must have thought he was in his cell. ‘Come on.’ He steered Robert to the door and into the bathroom, standing him in front of the toilet bowl. Robert had stood there, swaying.

‘Take a slash then, Robert.’ He’d said. When Robert still didn’t move, he put his hand to the front of his pyjama trousers to tug them gently down for him. Robert started, grabbing his hand.

‘No! I’m married!’ He said fiercely. Aaron caught the edge of panic in his voice. Robert’s hand gripped painfully around his wrist.

‘Rob! It’s me! It’s me! You’re at home.’

‘I don’t have a home, remember? You said.’

Aaron swallowed back tears.

‘Yes you do. Your wedding gift, to me.’

He saw the confusion in Robert’s eyes.

‘Aaron?’

‘I’m here.’

Robert slowly released his hold on Aaron’s wrist. He untucked himself from the front of his pyjamas and peed in the bowl, and Aaron had exhaled with relief.

 

In the morning when he’d woken, Robert’s eyes were open, his head resting sideways on the pillow, watching him. Aaron felt something akin to jet lag, his head and limbs felt heavy and sore.

‘What are you doing?’ He shifted, trying to relax.

‘Looking at you.’

‘That’s a bit weird, isn’t it?’ He answered and then wished he hadn’t, knowing he could look at Robert forever, that he would, when all this was over and just a memory, locked away and buried so deep he’d never need to open it again.

Robert opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something, then closed it again.

Aaron shuffled up to lean against the headboard. He wiped a hand over his face.

‘I’ll make us some breakfast, eh?’

 ‘I stopped you sleeping in the night, didn’t I?’ Robert moved up next to him so that their shoulders were touching. Something else that Aaron missed.

‘It doesn’t matter.’

He turned back the cover to get out of bed. Robert reached out and held his fingers.

It was a question.

‘I’m glad you’re here, Robert.’ Aaron said. ‘But, let’s take it slow.’ He looked away not wanting to see the rejection in Robert’s eyes.

Robert let go.

Aaron left the room and went downstairs to make breakfast.

 

Aaron didn’t go to the shops. Instead, he let himself into Paddy’s house, calling his name.

‘Paddy?’

Paddy appeared from the kitchen.

‘Aaron, you alright, mate? Sit down. I’ll make us a brew.’

Aaron felt his body go limp, like stepping off a boat to a safe harbour.

‘I don’t want a brew. I haven’t got long anyway.’

Paddy sat and patted the sofa next him, inviting Aaron to join him.

‘So what’s he done now?’ He asked.

‘Don’t!’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Do that. Talk about him, like, like everything’s his fault. He’s my husband.’

‘For better or for worse.’ Paddy muttered.

‘This was a mistake. You never liked him anyway!’

‘Well can you blame me?’

Aaron stood up.

‘Wait! Look. Sorry Aaron. I don’t have to like him, but I do know he loves you. And I know when you called me last night, you, you wanted, no, you needed to talk. So sit down and talk to me. Cos I can’t help you unless you do.’

Aaron sat down. He looked at his hands, they were shaking. He thought about how Robert’s hands shook almost all the time now.

Paddy waited. Aaron didn’t know what he was going to say. He was shocked when the words left his mouth.

‘He had sex in prison!’

There was a silence. Aaron waited, suspended in time, tears in his eyes.

‘Well?’ he asked when Paddy still didn’t speak. He wrung his hands, feeling his fingers press into the flesh.

‘Well, what?’

‘Tell me what you want to say. You want me to bail, don’t you?’

‘Is that what you want?’

Aaron dropped his neck. Now it was said he could feel the grief pouring into him, unstoppable.

‘A part of me, it is.’ He sobbed. What did he feel? Relief? Anger?

There was another silence.

‘You can get an annulment, if, if that’s what you decide.’

‘It wasn’t his fault!’ Aaron shouted, wiping his eyes.

‘You’re newly weds, I mean...’

‘Oh! And what’s that supposed to mean? It’s OK if it’s a few years down the line?’

Paddy didn’t speak again.

‘So he’d been taking stuff, self medicating. It happened in the shower. He’s not even sure. He can’t remember. He said... he said he was off his head. He was so out of it, he didn’t mean it to happen.’

‘And you believe him.’

Aaron looked at Paddy.

‘You think I shouldn’t? You haven’t been inside, you don’t know what’s it’s like!’

‘You’re right.’

‘And I did the same to him. That’s why he’s in there! This is all my fault anyway!’

‘We’re not having this conversation again.’

Outside on the street they heard the sound of the bus revving up to leave. They could hear kids voices. Laughing, fooling around. Then the receding sound of the engine, laboring on it’s way up the hill.

‘It was Lucas.’ Aaron said.

‘Mate! The bloke who died?’

‘He said he killed him to me. Yesterday. But then he told me he’d been dealing him drugs. Lucas took an overdose. There were these blokes inside, getting at him. And, and Robert’s covered in bruises. Cos they’re trying to get at him now.  I think when he goes back, somethings going to happen to him. I’m so afraid Paddy!’

Paddy sat forward.

‘So what... Aaron, what are you going to do?’

This was what Aaron had needed. This was why he’d come to Paddy. He turned his face to him.

‘I’m going to sort it, Paddy. That's what I'm going to do.'

 

He walked in, a couple of heavy bags of groceries in his arms.

‘You took your time!’ Vic called to him from the kitchen.

They were sitting with a half demolished dish of shepherd’s pie in the center of the table. Diane had brought it up with her when they’d come in.

He met Robert’s eyes. Why did he always feel like he could read his mind, read his soul?

‘Yeah, well. I’m here now, aren’t I? Saturday rush an that.’

Andy had joined them. Aaron raised his eyebrows in greeting.

‘Alright, mate?’

He turned, remembering Robert's dream from the night before, how he called out Andy’s name.

‘Come and eat then, pet. There’s plenty.' Diane gestured to Aaron to join them. 'And try and get Robert to eat a bit more, he eats like a bird after being in that place.’

‘Jailbird.’ Andy added with a grin. ‘Well you won’t be there long now! Final stretch, eh?’ He glanced at his brother, fork in hand. ‘That’s right, Rob?’

When they left, Diane touched his face with her hand.

‘Take care, pet. See you soon.’

Victoria wrapped her arms around him. Robert put his hands around her shoulders and rested his head against her hair.

‘Keep well and keep your chin up. You’ll be home in no time. And send us a visiting order, right? He’s not the only one who misses you! Remember the rest of your family.’

Andy patted his back.

‘Take care, bro. You can always send me an order an all. I know you haven’t up to now, but...I’m here when you want me. Reckon now they’ve started giving you home visits we’ll be seeing more of you anyway, eh? Cheers Aaron!'

 

When they’d gone, Robert stood in the living room and put his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Aaron stood leaning at the entrance to the kitchen, just watching him.

The cottage fell into silence.

‘So what did he say? He told you to leave me, didn’t he?’

‘What?’

‘You went to see Paddy. I can tell, you’ve gone all... calm.’

Aaron waited a moment. Then stepped towards him.

‘I’m not leaving you mate. I made a promise. Remember? That day in December? I keep my promises.’

‘I wouldn’t blame you.’

Aaron put a hand on Robert’s chest.

‘I’m not leaving you.’ He repeated.

He moved his hands to Robert’s waist then pulled at the hem of his sweater, pulling it up, so that Robert raised his arms as Aaron took it off him.

Aaron stared back as Robert searched his face.

‘Upstairs.’ He said.

But at the top of the stairs, Aaron turned him away from the bedroom.

‘Where are we going?’

‘We’re going to take a shower.’

He felt Robert tense up, fear filling him, so he nudged him hard, ignoring the bruises he knew were on Robert’s skin. He had to do this.

In the bathroom, Aaron undressed quickly, throwing his clothes in a pile on the floor, while Robert watched him.

‘Come on.’

He pulled off Robert’s T-shirt and then started to unfasten the belt on Robert’s jeans, tugging them down, adding them to the pile. Then he pulled down Robert’s boxer briefs, and they were both naked.

He stepped forward, just stroking the side of Robert’s arm.

‘Get in, then.’

When Robert didn't move, Aaron stepped in the shower and reached for Robert’s hand. He could see his chest heaving, his tongue flickering over his lips. His eyes were pale.

He turned on the shower and then pulled his body close, holding him against his skin under the hot stream of water falling over their shoulders and backs, flattening Robert's hair, turning it slowly darker.

Aaron reached for the soap. He saw Robert’s teeth as he pulled back his lips, cowering, and he held his face with his other hand, leaning back, looking for eye contact.

 ‘Listen! Listen to me! I love you! I will never leave you,’ He said, ‘I will take back whatever anyone’s taken from me. No one will hurt you if I can help it.’ He stroked the soap over Robert’s shoulder and chest, while Robert’s eyes followed his hands.

‘This is me! Me! And I'm taking back what’s mine.’ He held Robert’s left hand and lifted it to his eyes with his own left hand, showing the wedding rings. ‘You see that? That’s mine!’

He pressed his mouth against Robert’s so they struggled to catch their breath.

He moved the soap down to his stomach, then over Robert's balls and shaft, feeling him grow under his touch. And then Robert’s arms reached around him, and Robert was kissing him back at last. And Aaron started to cry again from relief.

When Robert turned, Aaron ran the soap over his back and down, preparing him. Robert lifted his arms against the tiles.

Then he looked back.

‘What about the condom?’

Aaron lined up, pressing against him.

‘No way, mate. It never happened. This is what happened. OK? Just us, Robert, just this. Remember?’

He closed his eyes and with a thrust of his hips, pushed inside.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW reference to suicidal thoughts. Reference to drug abuse and addiction.  
> So a short chapter, but at least it's up and the next one is on it's way.

They stayed in bed until after dark.

They made love again and again.

They made love so that Aaron wasn’t sure anymore where his body ended and Robert’s began. In their quiet home, Aaron could hear himself, hear the noises coming from his throat and chest, until he was too far gone to listen anymore. When he came, it coursed through him, down his thighs and calves and toes, leaving his body ship wrecked.

In between times they slept in fits and starts, waking each other with insistent touches and caresses, asking to go again. And again.

Eventually Aaron lay on his front, propped up on his elbows, looking sideways at Robert who lay next to him on his back, arms up behind his head. He wanted to keep Robert here, in this room, in this moment, but he was hungry too, and he knew Robert must be as well.

‘So, are you going to cook us something nice? I may as well make the most of you, now I’ve got you home.’

Robert smiled back, his lips red and grazed from Aaron’s beard. He reached a hand up and moved it under Aaron’s chest, stroking his fingertips over his damp skin there.

‘I thought you just did make the most of me?’

‘Yeah, well, I suppose you have more than one use, don’t you?’

Aaron shifted onto one elbow and, unable to resist Robert’s mouth, leaned over and kissed him again, touching his sore lips gently with his own. Robert reached up, holding him behind the head, fingers in the curls of his hair.

‘So what did you buy?’ He asked after Aaron pulled back.

‘Sausages?’

Robert grinned, his eyelids still half shut. Aaron watched his mouth as he spoke. ‘So that’s what you want? Sausages, mash and gravy? Nothing creative, then?’

‘You know me, I keep my creativity for the bedroom.’ Aaron winked. He grimaced, shifting on the sticky sheet. ‘Look, you go down and get started, I’ll clean up here.’

He leaned over for one more kiss.

Robert got up and opened a drawer, pulling out some jogging pants and a T-shirt he hadn’t worn since before he went into prison. He hesitated, a hand on the door.

‘Aaron…I’m…’

‘We’ve said it. It’s over. Just go and make me some food, will ya’? Before I starve to death.’

Aaron watched him go, then quickly pulled the sheets off the bed and put on clean ones, making a pile of laundry in the corner of the room with the towels and hand towels. He went to the bathroom and for a second time stepped in the shower. When he reached for the soap, for a moment he looked at it, lips tightened, then with a determined nod of the head, he washed himself quickly and stepped out again.

Robert’s wash bag was on the shelf by the sink. Aaron eyed it. He closed the bathroom door, then opened the zip and looked inside.

Next to Robert’s toothbrush and the electric shaver allowed by the prison, there were a couple of boxes of tablets, one dated in braille like indentations and labelled with Robert’s name and scrawled instructions, the other blank. There was a screw top plastic aspirin bottle. Aaron unfastened it, breathing fast, and tipped the pills inside onto his palm. He examined them with a frown, some slow release capsules, and small round pink pills. He tipped them back in and turned back to the unlabeled box. Inside there were foil sachets. He pressed down feeling the contents, something soft, maybe powder or liquid inside. There was a glass bottle, again without a label, a coarse powder inside, and a vaporizer that would fit into the neck of the bottle. He pushed everything back inside the bag, feeling his heart race, then sat chewing his lip, looking around the room.

When he went downstairs he was greeted by the savory smell of sausages grilling. Robert was in the kitchen opening drawers.

‘Where’d you put it?’

‘What?’

‘The masher? It should be hung up. I can’t find anything!’

Aaron opened another drawer and waved the masher at him before handing it over. ‘Here, don’t get like that with me, you know what I’m like. I need you home, don’t I, to keep me in order?’

He stroked a hand down Robert’s arm and all at once they reached out, pulling each other into an embrace.

 Aaron’s hands were round Robert’s back, his fingers curled lightly up against his shoulders, as Robert held him. They swayed together. Aaron let his eyes close.

 ‘This is how it’s going to be, now. It’s over, Robert, the worst is over.’

But he noticed Robert’s hands were shaking again.

Robert put the colander in the sink and picked up the pan to drain the potatoes. Aaron saw it before it happened, moving forward, but too late to prevent it as the pan slipped, the boiling water spilling over the back of Robert’s hand down between his fingers, so that he flew back, hand raised and the potatoes scattered like white bombs over the kitchen floor.

‘Jesus! Fuck! Fuck!’ Robert leapt backwards in shock. Aaron stepped up quickly and grabbing his scalded hand, turned on the cold tap and held it under the running water. Robert next to him was panting, his body shaking now with the pain.

Still keeping his hand under the water, Aaron leaned over and kissed him on his jaw in front of the ear.

‘Just keep it there for a while, it’ll take the heat out of it.’ He said.

Robert nodded. He wiped his eyes with his other arm.

‘It’s cos we’re hungry and… and tired.’ Aaron said.

‘I ruined the mash.’

‘Yeah, well, you know I prefer a sausage butty, really.’

‘I’ve got some painkillers…’ Robert started.

‘No! Don’t Robert.’

He hesitated, watching the water falling over on Robert’s scarlet hand. ‘It’s these meds you’re taking that are doing this, anyway.’ He spoke quietly. ‘They make your hands shake. I don’t want to think what else they’re doing to you. I want you to stop, Robert.’

‘OK.’ Robert nodded fast.

Aaron looked up at him sharply.

‘I mean it. I said it at the inquest. And you promised.’

‘I know, I know. I will.’

‘Not will. Now, tonight. I don’t want a repeat of yesterday night. I couldn’t wake you and then you didn’t even know where you were. I’ve got you for two more nights, please Robert. Do you need them? I mean can you stop or…?’

‘I don’t need them. I can stop.’

Robert looked down at his hand still under the water blinking and Aaron examined his face closely. He hesitated again.

‘Good! Cos I just chucked ‘em.’

He saw the shock in Robert’s eyes as he pulled his hand away and stepped backwards.

‘You what? You’re joking me!’

‘I’m not joking, Robert. Listen, I’ve got two more nights with you. We’ll manage without them. Except, there was a prescription box. I kept that one. I flushed them. Down the lav.’

‘Aaron! You can’t have. What have you done?’

Aaron watched Robert’s eyes as he looked towards the stairs. He knew that Robert was desperate to go and check whether he was telling the truth or not.

‘You just said you would stop!’

‘I will, but, after this weekend. I was going to, on Monday.’ Robert’s voice was raising. ‘I didn’t want to deal with that now, with you. But you’ve, you’ve just ruined everything! I need them, Aaron!’

 He started pacing up and down in the kitchen.

‘I need them!’ He repeated, hand on head. ‘OK. I’ll just take the prescription, at least. I’ll do it now.’

‘Take it after we’ve eaten. Shouldn’t you take them on a full stomach anyway?’ Aaron said.

‘No, I… It’s better now.’ Robert walked swiftly out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs. Aaron put a hand to steady himself on the counter.

He heard Robert shout.

‘How could you be so fucking stupid?’

Aaron paused and ran up the stairs. He stopped at the entrance to the bathroom door hand on the door frame. Robert was sitting on the closed toilet seat, the empty aspirin bottle in his hand, looking bewildered.

‘Where’s the ketamine, Aaron? The stuff in the foil? The bottle?’ He stood up, ‘That was the pain killer. I need it, Aaron. What have you done with it?’

He suddenly pushed his shoulder roughly, moving his face close. ‘Where is it?’

Aaron looked back at him, heart thumping with fear, not for himself, for this, for Robert. He hardened his eyes, pushing out his chin.

‘You going to fight me about it? Really? Cos we both know who’ll win if that happens.’

Robert hesitated for a moment and then with a disgusted shake of his head he pushed past Aaron into the bedroom. Aaron could hear him opening and closing drawers. When Aaron walked in his hand was skimming under the side of the bottom of the mattress. Aaron looked at the bed where less than an hour ago they’d spent the afternoon making love.

Robert looked at Aaron, this time with sad reproach and sat down heavily, dropping his face in his hands.

He rubbed his eyes.

‘OK. You’ll, you’ll just have to and find me some more.’ He gestured.

‘How? I don’t have a prescription, mate. And it’s after hours anyway. All the chemists will be closed.’

Robert suddenly looked up.

‘Paddy! He must have something.’

‘He’s a vet.’

‘There’s ketamine for animals too.’

Aaron looked at him.

‘You’re actually serious, aren’t you?’

Robert wet his lips.

‘OK. So we could go to the hospital. Show them my hand. Then...’

‘The best they’d give you for that is a real aspirin. And your tag, you’d get picked up and taken back to prison.’

‘Maybe, I should go back.’ Robert said quietly.

Aaron felt his shoulders shake. His legs gave way under him and he sank onto the bed, sitting next to Robert. He couldn’t do this. His face contorted with the effort to choke back the tears that overwhelmed him.

‘No! You’re going to choose the drugs, over me!’ He shouted through his tears.

He could feel himself sobbing uncontrollably. Then all at once Robert’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him close against him, and a hand was pulling his head into Robert’s shoulder.

He could feel Robert shaking too and knew he was crying as well.

‘I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. I love you.’

Aaron frowned. He couldn’t speak now.

‘I won’t go back. I choose you. I do. I choose you.’

Aaron spoke into his shoulder.

‘You sure about that?’

‘I’m sure. But I’ve got a problem. I... I can’t stop. I don’t think I can stop.’

‘It’s alright.’ Aaron leaned back and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

‘It isn’t alright!  I just feel like I failed. I let you down, again. Why couldn’t I cope better? I’m not ill anymore.’ Robert looked at the floor.

Aaron took his uninjured hand and wrapped his fingers around Robert's.

‘Who said that?’

‘What?’

‘Who said you weren’t ill anymore?’

Robert looked at him, reading his face. Aaron could see the tear streaks on his face.

 ‘No one. I’m still ill, Aaron. I am. I’m sorry. Sometimes I think it’ll always be like this. Then I-’ He stopped. ’- never mind, forget it.’

‘No say it. Then what? Robert?’

‘I think about it again, ending it all. Sometimes I wish you’d never found me. There, in the bathroom at Vic’s. You could have let me go. Because what if it happens in the end and then all of this is for nothing? And I keep hurting you for nothing?’

Aaron took a breath.

‘Rob, Robert! Robert, don’t talk like that. What about all that money you invested in cognitive therapy?’

Robert blinked. Aaron attempted a smile.

‘Yeah. I knew the mention of money would bring you to your senses. Look, we’ll sort this. Together. Like we always do. But it all comes back to the same thing. You have to go to the prison doctor and talk about this and and get help. I don’t know. Maybe he’s a wanker. But, we need him.’

He watched Robert nod. It was Robert’s turn to wipe his face, pulling up the hem of his T-shirt.

‘And I know what it’s like inside, but with Clive, we’re going to get you out. Who knows maybe only three or four weeks, you can be home for good on probation.’

Aaron squeezed his hand and released it.

‘Anyway, you don’t have to choose. Cos I lied.’ He pushed his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants and pulled out the foil sachets and a tissue with the other pills wrapped inside.

He saw Robert’s face clear as he breathed out with relief.

Robert opened his hand, and Aaron placed everything in his palm, watching his fingers wrap around them, listening to his breathing deepen like someone at the end of a long race, finally over.

He blew out air from his mouth, he mustn’t cry again.

Robert stood up.

‘Aaron, you know I love you.’ It was barely a whisper. Aaron felt sick. Robert was going to take the drugs and then he'd sleep, like the evening before, like someone in a coma and there was nothing Aaron could do to break the cycle.

But Robert took Aaron’s hand with his empty hand and led him into the bathroom.

He lifted the toilet seat.

‘I choose you.’ He said, and dropped the tablets in the water, then ripped the sachets and, together, they watched the powder fall away.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron deal with Robert's initial withdrawal symptoms from the painkillers. After Robert goes back to prison, Aaron gets a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw reference to self harm,

The phone was ringing.

Aaron lay alone and still in the dark bedroom, just listening to his breathing.

This was it then. This moment had finally come.

His mind sorted through a thousand images from the weekend they’d just spent together and fixed on a single moment on the Sunday afternoon. They’d been fighting again, Robert’s cravings had made him maudlin and aggressive in turn, lashing out, calling Aaron selfish. They’d been through the mill, dragging up everything from the past that Aaron had thought they’d put to rest, so that at times, when the waves of nausea hit and Robert was dry retching over the toilet bowl, Aaron with one hand holding his forehead while the other stroked against the still painfully bruised ribs on his back, a part of him wanted to strangle him then and there and have done with it.

Twice he’d walked out of the house into the freezing February air, car keys in hand, needing the space. Once Robert had followed him, ranting down the garden path, until he’d fallen, hit by one of the increasingly frequent dizzy spells that came with the withdrawal. Aaron, worried about the tag and Robert losing his probation, was forced back and pulled Robert's arm over his shoulder, leading him, staggering, back indoors. The next time he’d sat in the car, breathing, lips shaking in an effort to keep down the tears. When he’d gone back inside, he'd found Robert had kicked over all the kitchen furniture, breaking one of the chairs.

So he shouldn’t have been surprised when Robert returned to old themes, old patterns of attack.

‘How did I end up with you?’

Aaron was using a damp cloth to mop up a spilled glass of fresh orange juice that Robert had just tipped over onto the kitchen table. He rolled his eyes, avoiding rising to the bait.

‘There were lots of other lads. You think you were the only one? When I was with Chrissie?’

Aaron could feel Robert’s eyes on his face. He rinsed the cloth under the sink, trying to control his racing heart.

‘You want details? You remember the hotel in Leeds? Yeah? Didn’t you ever wonder how the receptionist knew me so well? Eh? Did you? Well I used that hotel a lot. Remember the mirror?’

Of course Aaron remembered. That morning, the first time Robert had let him take control, how he’d quietly lain down for him on the soft white sheets, looking back at Aaron under half closed eyes, finding his hand and threading their fingers together as he surrendered himself to Aaron’s body. It had been the first time their hands had touched like that, so intimately. And Aaron, glancing in the mirror as he moved over him, had seen himself and Robert there and known with certainty that he was in love. 

‘Yeah, that mirror saw a lot of action.’ Robert sneered.

Aaron poured a fresh glass of orange juice and slammed it down heavily on the table in front of Robert again.

‘Change the record. You’re pathetic.’ He grunted.

Robert had scraped back the chair and stood up, eyes blazing, gripping on to the glass of orange in his hand so that drops of the pulpy liquid splashed onto the kitchen floor now.

‘Me pathetic? No, no Aaron, you’re the pathetic one. Cutting, running...’ He hesitated then ploughed on. '...fucking.' Aaron knew he was talking about Liam. He wondered how he could be so obtuse sometimes, after Lucas.

Robert tipped up the glass and drank down the orange juice, dumping the empty glass in the sink behind them with his shaking hand so that it rattled against the white porcelain and Aaron, trying to ignore Robert’s words felt like he’d scored a victory just to see him get something healthy inside him.

He drew in a breath, steadying himself.

‘At least I’ve dealt with my own self harm a long time ago. And what do you think it is that you’ve been doing to yourself, eh? Robert? What are you even doing now? Just look at you!’

He saw from the way Robert’s pupils suddenly grew that his words had hit home.

But then Robert raised his fingers to his chest, his expression changing and his face suddenly grey and creased with pain.

‘Aaron!’ he gasped.

It was an attack of arrhythmia, Robert’s heart suddenly losing the regular pattern of its beat, like a jumping jack firework under his rib cage. They’d read about it together, sitting side by side on the sofa on Saturday with Aaron’s laptop open, going over what could happen now they’d thrown the drugs away.

Aaron pulled out his mobile phone, wondering whether to call an ambulance, while with his other hand he pulled Robert’s body into his own so that he was resting heavily against him, his forehead on his shoulder, shaking with panic and pain.

‘Rob, breathe, breathe! I’m calling an ambulance.’ He was pressing the numbers holding the phone out behind his back, but then Robert shuddered and stood back, palm still pressed against his chest.

‘No. Wait. I’m OK. But… oh God… I feel sick.’

He turned almost swooning, gripping with both hands onto the sink, head bowed, and suddenly heaved. Aaron held onto the waistband of his trousers from behind and watched the sticky orange juice mixed with stomach juices, and his moment of victory, running away down the plug hole.

 

But it was after that. The moment Aaron chose to remember now, lying in the dark with the phone ringing about to change his future.

 

He’d taken Robert to lie down upstairs.

And they’d made love again. Robert’s cravings channeled into desire. And even though they were both still too sore from the marathon the day before to have penetrative sex again so soon, Robert had begged him, opening himself up, lying on his back and pulling Aaron over him, preferring this sweet pain to any other, urging him to go harder and harder.

‘You’re my drug, Aaron. I love you. I’m sorry.’ Robert had whispered as his climax got closer.

‘We’ll get past this.’ Aaron gasped back. ‘I promise, we will!’

And Aaron had sobbed and come at the same time, riding the release on bitter sweet waves, then turned and cried himself silently to sleep.

 

It was when he woke.

He must have turned again in his sleep, because Robert was lying on his side facing him. And at last he was sleeping.

 

All the previous night he’d kept Aaron up, turning, whining and complaining as the cravings came and went. He’d paced the bedroom, until the two of them had ended up downstairs again and started zapping the night channels, looking for sports events. Aaron’s brain had felt numb while Robert’s ran full charge ahead. He watched his hands shaking and his tongue flicker over his lips while his eyes skimmed distractedly over the room.

At half past three in the morning, Aaron made scrambled eggs, feeling drunk with sleep, the noise of the crockery and scraping metal pans sounding too loud in his ears. He ate his eggs with ketchup and brown sauce at the kitchen table, while Robert looked on with his lips curled in disgust. He waved his knife and fork at him, indicating Robert’s untouched plate.

‘Will you just eat?’

‘I can’t.’ Robert objected leaning back. ‘It smells. Your ketchup smells like puke.’

Pushing back his chair, Robert tipped his plate up into the bin.

‘Why are you being such a drama queen?’ Aaron asked, dropping his knife and fork and sitting back with a sigh.

‘Why do you think?’ Robert snarled. ’This was what you wanted wasn’t it? Me, suffering? The weekend ruined. We could have done this later, but no, you are always so impatient. _Stop now_ , you said. So I stopped. But you always want more. Well sorry, this is what you get.’ Robert slammed his hand down on the counter. Aaron turned his back and walked out of the kitchen.

‘I don’t have to listen to this at this time in the morning.’ He mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

Aaron had hit on running a bath again.

Robert breathed heavily climbing into the hot water, Aaron looking sideways inspecting the bruises on his body which had started to fade from purple to green and yellow. The blister on the back of Robert’s hand hurt in contact with the heat of the bath, so he kept it out of the water, holding onto to the side.

‘Shift up, then. I’m coming in.’ Aaron said.

The bath squeaked and their legs knocked and rubbed against each other as Aaron lowered himself into the water at the other end of tub, his feet finding room, sliding under Robert’s arse cheeks. He tried to lower his back further into the warmth, rolling back his neck, filling his hands with the hot liquid and lifting it to run over his face with a sigh of relief.

Robert blinked and smiled, watching him, his toes played at Aaron’s hips under the water.

‘What?’

‘You are so beautiful, you know?’

‘Don’t talk soft.’

Robert leaned forward and reached with his hands to Aaron’s biceps.

‘Come here. Turn around.’

With renewed effort and water spilling over the edge onto the bathroom floor, Aaron turned until he was lying down against Robert’s chest. Robert slipped an arm under Aaron’s shoulder, resting it across his waist. He leaned forward, kissing his neck under his ear.

‘Don’t!’ Aaron said. ‘Can’t you just lie still for even a second?’

He heard Robert growl with annoyance as he leaned back.

They lay in the quiet steamy room, the inky night sky half visible from the pearl glass bathroom window. Aaron felt his body rise and fall with the rhythm of Robert’s breathing and closed his eyes.

Later, Robert had woken him with a warm towel from the airing cupboard.

And they’d drunk coffee, enjoying a short truce until Robert’s next tantrum had started.

 

But now he was sleeping, lying on his side. This was the moment Aaron chose.

His face, softened by sleep, looked younger. His heavy lidded eyes were closed with his eyelashes touching his cheeks. His mouth was relaxed, his full lips closed softly, and all the tension in his jaw was gone. Aaron looked at the sweep of his shoulder and the deep soft swell of his chest.

It was almost like a scene from another life. A normal life where every day was easy, gentle and good and where sleep was kind.

Aaron kept his eyes on Robert’s face, unblinking. They would live that life one day and now he would live it for this moment and keep it as a place to come back to.

 

So now, midnight on Wednesday, alone in the house as quiet as a graveyard since Robert had returned to the prison, he chose that moment to keep in his mind’s eye. He raised himself up to answer the ringing phone, with that moment, that image of Robert sleeping by him, keeping him calm.

‘Yes?’ he said. ‘Aaron Sugden.’

‘Mr Sugden, I’m calling from HM Prison Leeds. It's regarding prisoner number....' She cited Robert's prison number. 'Have you got someone with you?’

‘Uh… Yes.’ Aaron lied. ‘My Mum.’

‘Mr Sugden, Your husband Robert Sugden has been taken to Leeds Infirmary Emergency department in a critical condition. You’ll want to get there, as soon as you can.’

‘OK. Thank you.’ Aaron said and ended the call.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is admitted to the Emergency department of the hospital and Aaron tries to hold it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw blood, seizures which could be distressing

Aaron is breathing air out through his lips. He’s been here before with Paddy. He isn’t sure if he can go through this again. He can hear himself chanting under his breath.

_God, please, not again, not again._

‘Aaron, Aaron! Son! Don’t you dare drive there on your own. I’m coming with my car. I’ll take you!’

He felt strange, like there were two Aarons; the Aaron moving, breathing, going through the actions of preparing to leave the house, and then this other Aaron, standing still, just watching. The watching Aaron noticed that his teeth were chattering as he opened drawers where Robert’s clothes lay folded next to his and that his hands were trembling as he dressed. The moving, breathing Aaron noticed nothing.

He picked up his wallet, keys and phone and placed them in his pockets then looked up at the bed. Robert’s side was empty, undisturbed when Aaron went to bed, his pillow untouched. Aaron caught his breath, trying to pull back the image of Robert sleeping there, but now he couldn’t find it.

Now wasn’t the time, the watching Aaron thought. Time, stretching out ahead of him darkly like a threat, or a promise.

He ran downstairs and opened the front door, gasping at the cold air, looking for the lights of his Mum’s car driving up the lane under the starry winter sky.

 

 ‘Now then, Mrs. Barton. You got to watch your rom com. So where’s my reward?’

‘You do realize you talked all the way through it?’ Vic squinted up at Adam from the pillow.

‘Come on! I tell you what. I’ll let you talk all the way through this.’

He leaned down and kissed her, then leaned back with a grin.

‘Let’s face it. You can’t stop that tongue of yours, anyway.’

‘Bloody cheek!’ Vic answered.

She slipped a hand over his neck, pulling him in for a longer kiss, when Adam’s phone rang.

 ‘It’s after midnight.’ Vic frowned.

 ‘It’s Aaron.’ Adam said, answering the call.

‘Mate? It’s after midnight, yeah? You been drinking or what? Can’t it wait till the morning? I’m a little busy here.’ He winked at Victoria.

Then all once he sat up, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She watched his face change.

‘Right. Aaron. Course. I’ll tell her.’

 ‘Aaron… We’ll be there as soon as we can. Yeah?’

He turned to Victoria.

‘Babe…’

‘Oh God. It’s Robert, isn’t it?’

 

Afterwards Aaron couldn’t remember the journey. He knew they’d stopped for Paddy, who’d sat in the back of the car with a hand over the front seat, holding his shoulder.

‘So what is it? Is it…is it the depression come back? I mean did he…did he…?’

‘I don’t know, Paddy.’

‘Or was it thugs, you know, was he in trouble?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘We’ll know soon enough.’ Chas looked warningly in the rear view mirror at Paddy who fell silent, but still kept his hand on Aaron’s shoulder.

Chas drove faster than she should over the country roads and into to the city center.

 

There were other people standing waiting at the Emergency department reception, bunched up in a disorderly queue so that Aaron had to push past them, Paddy at his side while Chas went to park to car. He leaned forward over the counter and interrupted, speaking softly but urgently.

‘Sorry, mate. Err I need to find a patient Robert Sugden? I got a call. He was brought in from Armley prison.’ He finished. He noticed people moving back, leaving more space around him. ‘I’m Aaron Sugden, his husband.’  The space increased further.

 Behind him he heard someone say the word _queer_ , and not in a nice way.

He turned, fists balled, wondering why he cared.

‘I can get you in there faster than you’d thought, mate.’ He snarled.

‘Aaron, Aaron! Calm down.’ Paddy said.

 

‘So where is he?’ He asked the orderly who’d taken them through.

‘He’s in resuscitation.’

And Aaron was falling, falling into a black fog, so that he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. He’d been here before. He thought about when Robert came in from his overdose and he was with Vic. But he’s been here before with Paddy too. When he lost Jackson. He can’t go through that again. He could hear himself chanting under his breath.

_Please, please, not again, not again._

‘If you wait here, a doctor will come and explain… ‘

 Aaron noticed a prison guard sitting near some wooden doors, and started walking towards them.

‘Wait! Mr. Sugden! The doctor needs to come and …’

Aaron put up a hand against the door and pushed through.

Inside he saw Robert.

He was lying on a stretcher bed, his chest and stomach bare, a blue sheet over his lower body, there was blood in his hair and a plastic tube in his mouth with a wire connected to an oxygen dispenser, another tube coming from his stomach below the scar from his gunshot wound, with blood draining into a container. Someone was tugging at a large circular CT scanner on wheels, pulling it towards the head of the stretcher. Around him there were a number of nurses and doctors, wearing uniforms and blue plastic gloves. Robert’s eyes were open.

‘Robert! I’m here!’ He called.

At the sound of his voice, Robert turned and looked for him, his eyes wide and full of fear. Aaron saw his hand reach out and kept moving forwards towards him.

Then all at once Robert’s eyes looked up in a fixed stare and his body stiffened. His limbs started to jerk violently, out of control.

Paddy held onto Aaron tightly by the shoulders.

The orderly who’d followed him in touched his elbow.

‘He’s having a seizure. It may be easier if you wait outside.’

‘No!’

Someone pulled the tube from Robert’s mouth, holding his head while others held onto his limbs and moved him onto his side.

 Aaron stared as the sheet fell away. The drain in his stomach became dislodged and blood splashed from the open circular incision on his stomach over his twitching body. Aaron saw his thighs staining with brown liquid and growing wet as his body lost control.

Robert was making distressed noises from his throat and Aaron could hear himself calling Robert’s name.

‘Aaron, son, we need to leave!’ Paddy said.

‘I can’t leave him now!’

A doctor with an injector quickly measured Robert’s shuddering thigh and, as others held his leg still, he plunged in the needle.

The shaking and twitching seemed to go on and on.

Then Robert’s naked body suddenly stilled and his limbs fell loose and heavy. His eyes flickered and closed at last. His mouth fell open, his chin wet with a stream of clear saliva that had poured from his lips during the fit.

The team turned him onto his back again. Someone leaned over his mouth and then tilted back his head and placed an oxygen mask over his face, while another doctor placed the heel of his hand over his chest below his ribs with a second hand over it and started pushing down counting.

Aaron called out again.

‘No Paddy! No! Don’t let him die! Please Paddy! Please, don’t let him die!’

He heard a doctor say something about adrenaline and another doctor with an epi pen applied it quickly to Robert’s other thigh.

‘A thousand and one, a thousand and two, a thousand and three….’

‘Check the carotid...’

‘Nothing.’

‘A thousand and five, a thousand and six...’

‘Charge the defibrillator.’

‘A thousand and nine, a thousand and ten…’

The doctor lifted his hands.

And Robert was breathing again. Aaron turned and walked out through the wooden swing doors, and threw up on the hospital floor, caught by Adam’s strong arms around him.

 

Aaron drank the tea that Chas brought for him. His whole body felt weak and he leaned against her. He could feel himself being dragged under by sleep, but fought against it, stirring himself to his feet.

‘Love, sit down.’ Chas said.

‘No, I need to go and see him. He doesn’t know I was there.’

‘It doesn’t matter. Vic’s with him now. He’ll be alright for a while. He won’t be impressed if you faint on him or something, will he?’

Adam and Paddy watched him. He could see the worry etched on their faces.

‘I’m fine!’

He put down the plastic cup and stepped back towards the swing doors.

 

Vic was sitting by Robert on a circular stool, holding his hand, her large eyes looking seriously into his white face, shattered with exhaustion.

Aaron approached quietly, biting his lip, trying to keep his breathing even. He could see that there was still dried blood in Robert’s hair and that his lips were cut and bruised from the seizures. There was a surgical swab now on his stomach and the drain replaced with a trickle of pale red liquid running out into an egg shaped container hanging down by the bed.

Robert’s eyes, expressionless, watched him as he came nearer and Vic looked up at him, then drew back a little on the stool, making room for him.

Robert turned his head, looking sideways, away from Aaron. When he spoke his voice was a hoarse whisper.

‘You’re here then? You here to pull the plug out? Second chance? Get it right this time, eh?’

Aaron blew out air from his lips. He mustn’t cry in front of Robert.

Trembling he leaned down slowly and placed his lips very gently against Robert’s mouth, waiting there. He could feel Robert breathing through his nose against his cheek and he closed his eyes. Then he felt Robert move his lips against his.

It was too late now not to cry, he let his forehead fall against Robert’s, and his tears fell onto his face as he struggled against the sobs, that came too fast and too loud. Robert raised a hand and slipped his fingers softly round the back of Aaron’s neck as Aaron turned his face against his cheek.

‘It’s okay, Aaron. Shh Don’t!’ Robert whispered.

‘I nearly lost you.’

Vic quietly slipped away leaving them to this private moment.

‘I didn’t do this, you know,’ Robert whispered, still holding his neck gently. ‘I kept my promise.’

‘I know. I know,’ Aaron nodded, his head pressed against his cheek, speaking into his ear. ‘It was the withdrawal. The doctors explained.’

He straightened up and saw that Robert was crying too.

‘Anyway.’ He wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and gestured at the room. ‘You got yourself a nice long rest in a comfy hospital bed, didn’t you? Beats her majesty’s pleasure for a while?’

 

‘Did he do this to himself? I mean, did he take something?’  Aaron had asked earlier, his voice low, when the doctor had eventually come out of the resuscitation room to tell them that Robert was stable.

‘No. The opposite actually. Robert had a series of seizures caused by withdrawal from drugs after prolonged use.’ The doctor went on. ‘He seems to have been using a mixture of medication including Ativan since the surgery on his lung last year and more recently Ketamine and other substances. And then he stopped, so his body reacted.’

Aaron had lowered his face into his hands, trying to let the doctor's words sink in, not sure yet whether to believe what he was hearing. Did this mean that Robert had chosen him? That he’d kept his promise and he’d nearly died? He hadn’t taken an overdose then, he hadn't gone back to the drugs. Robert hadn’t given in. He wanted Aaron and he wanted to live. Aaron stood up.

‘I have to go to the bathroom. Excuse me.’ He’d said. Locking himself in a cubicle he’d cried for a long time trying to sort out his head. Somehow he felt the worst was over. That this really was the moment when they could begin again. That Robert had chosen that. That time stretched ahead of them with promise at last.

Eventually he'd washed his face and returned to the others, greeting Andy and Diane who'd also arrived to see Robert.

‘Love!’ Chas had said looking at his face, passing him a cup of tea.

‘No, I’m fine. I’m going to be fine.’

 

While Aaron had gone the doctor had continued to explain about Robert’s condition.

‘He also had some trauma to the body, causing a tear to the spleen, and the knock on his head which may have started the fits.’

‘So what caused the trauma?’ Vic had asked, frowning.

‘At a guess, he was in a fight. There are bruises on his body from previous trauma’s which would suggest that this isn’t the first time.’

 

They held hands. It wasn’t something they did, not like other couples, walking in the street. It just wasn’t that easy. Only when they made love their fingers laced together, deepening the intensity as their bodies combined.

Now, by the hospital bed, Aaron stroked his thumb gently over Robert’s, watching his face.

Robert blinked and turned to him. His voice was still weak so Aaron leaned closer.

‘Let’s run away.’ Robert swallowed. ‘Get false passports made. I know a man.’

‘Now you’re telling me that?’

‘We can… go to France. You can talk French to me every day. Talk dirty in French. You know I like it.’ Aaron saw a sideways smile on Robert's face and shook his head. Then ‘It’s too late, isn’t it?’ Robert asked.

‘No! No! We’ll talk about it. When you’re better. Just concentrate on getting better now, will you?’

He watched as Robert closed his eyes again and felt his fingers loosen as he drifted off into sleep. After a while he fell asleep too in the chair.

He was woken by a hand on his shoulder.

Looking up he saw Clive, out of place somehow with his muscular energetic body and his suit. His eyes were shining for some reason.

‘How is he?’ he asked quietly, then continued without waiting for an answer. ‘I have some news.’

‘What?’ Aaron blinked at him, rubbing his face.

‘How do you like Northumberland?’

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert has moved to an open prison in Northumberland. Aaron moves his home to be near him. Robert's depression is never far away.

‘Babe, we really need to go.’

‘Do you think they’ll be alright?’

‘Course they’ll be alright. They’ve got each other, haven’t they?’

Vic jumped down off the wall where they’d been sitting, taking Adam’s outstretched hand.  She glanced one last time at her brother and Aaron as they walked further and further away into the distance across the windswept beach.

It was Aaron, turning, who saw them leaving, and suddenly felt the weight of it. Now it was just him and Robert. For a moment, not for the first time, he wondered if he could be enough. The wind was fierce, whipping up the waves against the sand, making it impossible to talk, so they walked in silence, shoulder to shoulder, their footprints vanishing behind them. Aaron pressed his bobble hat lower onto his brow.

He pulled suddenly at the sleeve on Robert’s coat.

‘Come on, then!’

Hopping on one leg, holding onto Robert’s arm for balance, he started pulling off a shoe and sock, and then reversed legs until both his feet were bare. Robert’s hood was up over his blonde hair. His freckles were dark against the pale white skin of his cheeks.

‘What on earth are ya doing?’ He protested.

‘Going in!’ Aaron rolled up his trouser legs, and tilted his neck, trying to tempt Robert to follow him with a smile, then he raced over the sand to the silver edge of the water and ran in and then out again with a loud curse at the cold.

‘Come on, let’s be having you!’ he shouted against the wind, cupping a hand over his mouth. He held his breath, watching Robert, and then saw him shake his head and grin, and bend to unfasten the laces on his boots. And the pressure on his heart suddenly lifted.

Every small victory counted, each score against the Black Dog and right now Aaron was winning, 1 - nil.

He waited at the edge of the water, watching.

He’d thought, when Robert was recovering in hospital from the fits and his punctured spleen, that somehow everything would change. He’d thought that he would end up cured, not just his body, but all of it. Then one day he’d arrived on the ward, and Robert had taken his hand, and told him to walk away, told him he’d be better off without him. And Aaron had known with a sinking heart that he’d been wrong, that it was back, the black dog, baring its teeth at them all over again.

‘I’ll never leave you. We’re in this together. Get used to it.’ He’d said simply. Then he’d gone to the bathroom for a private cry. After he’d washed his face, looking at his red rimmed eyes in the mirror, wondering if he was strong enough.

Surprisingly it was Diane who spoke some sense to him, arriving to see Robert on the ward.

‘Let me buy you a coffee, pet. You look like you could do with one.’ She’d said.

On the hospital terrace, he’d wiped his eyes.

‘It’s not a choice. He’s not choosing to have depression, Aaron. And he’s not doing it for a reaction, you know. It’s just one of those things that happens.’

Aaron nodded. He knew she was right. But he still felt like a failure and he said so.

‘Don’t think like that. I, for one, am so grateful that you’re my son in law. And it’s evident that Robert loves you very much.’

‘But if he loves me, why isn’t that enough? Why can’t us being married just make him alright? I feel useless.’

‘Give it time, one day you’ll see that you’ve won the battle. Take my word for it. But for now, just take each day as it comes and live in the moment.’

 

So now, Aaron jogged towards him then took his hand, and pulled him down over the sand, into the water.

‘Jesus fucking Christ! You are a fucking lunatic, Aaron Dingle Sugden!’ Robert yelled as the ice water surged around their feet.

Aaron whooped in response, grinning, pulling Robert deeper.

‘Just imagine it’s Ibiza!’ he hollered. ‘It’s actually quite warm when you get used to it.’

‘I shouldn’t be doing this.’ Robert yelled back at him.

The next wave splashed up over their ankles, and the rolled-up denim of their jeans started to soak, numbing their calves.

 ‘It’s good for you, a bit of salt water never hurt anybody!’

‘Tell my doctor that!’ Robert protested.

‘I’m your doctor, now!’ His voice came and went with the blustering air over the water.

‘Yeah? God help me then.’

Aaron stepped closer to his husband, tugging at the lapels of his coat. He kissed him, breathing hard into the kiss, warming his cold lips, opening his mouth, finding the heat. It was their first proper kiss since Aaron, together with Adam and Vic, had picked Robert up from the open prison that morning. Robert raised his arms, holding onto Aaron tightly, kissing him back. They rocked together, keeping each other steady in the swirling water.

Then he tasted a different salt in Robert’s mouth. He leaned back, looking into his eyes, fighting desperately to keep Robert with him, feeling his mind slipping back to the dark.

 ‘We’re here, Robert, we made it, yeah? It’s amazing!’

‘Sorry.’ Robert turned his eyes into the wind.

‘Don’t. I love you. I mean it. I wouldn’t change anything. Well except for probably getting out of this wet kit as soon as humanly possible.’

He couldn’t feel his feet now, and grabbing Robert’s sleeve, he turned to get out of the water.

‘Let’s go home.’

 

Robert had been transferred to an open prison in Northumberland. He’d been taken there directly in the back of a prison van, once they’d discharged him from hospital. He’d not gone back to Leeds at all. If he had, Aaron was sure he would never have seen him alive again. He had his own room, instead of a cell, and kept his own key. There was a roll call and if Robert ever missed it, he would be declared an escaped prisoner, and likely sent back to a closed prison and lose any probation or even add to his sentence.

 ‘How long?’ Aaron had asked Clive. ‘How long have we got, before it’s all over?’

‘Five months. You’ve got five months.’

 

There’d never been any question in Aaron’s mind about moving. When his Mum fussed about it, he spread his hands.

‘So, what are ya saying, Mum? My husband, who nearly died by the way, is moving away, and you’re saying I should just wait around here for five months?’

‘No, love. Course. I know you’ll go with Robert. It’s just, I think you need some support, too. We all worry about Robert…,’ she raised her hands, ‘but who’s worrying about you?’

‘Well, why would you worry about me?’

‘Because,’ Chas answered, ‘because it’s too big a burden for you to carry, all on your own.’

Aaron had had to walk away, then. He’d taken his car up to the scarp yard and sat with the windows closed listening to music full volume, trying to blot out every doubting voice in his head.

It was Adam who’d found him. He hadn’t even known he was there until he’d opened the passenger seat and slid in next to him, closing it again, sitting by his side quietly, listening with him, until he couldn’t bear it any longer and yelled across at him.

‘No Coldplay, then?’

Aaron turned the music off and turned to look at him.

‘I’m moving to Northumberland, Adam, to be with Robert.’

And Adam had half smiled, half frowned back at him.

‘Course you are, you woozle. I knew that.’ He’d said.

 

It was a terrace cottage, the front door opening into the living space and a box kitchen at the back with stairs leading down to a brick walled cellar. There was one bedroom and a bathroom upstairs with an old fashioned white painted porcelain bath. It was all they needed.

Robert had the right to home visits every weekend, and after two weeks getting established this would be his first. Aaron had spent the whole day before, with Adam and Vic, getting it sorted, unpacking boxes in the kitchen, sorting the bathroom, stocking up on driftwood and firelighter for the chimney. He wanted it to be just right.

‘Did I forget something?’ he asked Vic.

‘No, he’ll love it. He loves you, so, a pile of straw would do, but this is gorgeous.’ She said. She and Adam stayed at the local B&B, and Aaron spent the night between new sheets, sleeping fitfully, knowing that the next night, Robert would be with him.

 

When they came in through the door, Robert pressed his fingers against the radiator to warm them up.

‘Won’t you get chilblains, if you do that?’ Aaron asked.

‘You are turning in to my doctor.’ Robert said.

They took off their wet shoes and socks and coats, and Aaron hung his bobble hat up, then ran upstairs in his bare feet, feeling his wet jeans clinging to his legs.

‘I’m going to run a bath.’ He called behind him. Upstairs, he twisted the copper taps and waited for the water to change from cold to luke warm to hot and then put the plug in and ran back down.

Robert was still standing in the living room in his sweater over his jeans. Aaron could see where they were wet from the darker color of the material around his legs. He knew he’d never forgive himself if Robert got ill. He wanted to tell him to take them off, but the house was still cold. The fire was already built in the chimney, so he found the lighter and held it beneath the knots of newspaper and firelighter positioned around the driftwood.

‘We’ll be alright when we get the place a bit warmer.’ He muttered, then stood, moving to the box kitchen, turning on the oven, opening the fridge door.

‘I’ve got steak pies. What do you think?’ He called. Robert was behind him.

‘Stop!’

He turned and saw Robert’s expression.

‘What are ya doing, Aaron? Just stop will ya?’

Aaron looked away, out of the kitchen window at the darkening sky.

‘I want it to be right for you.’

‘You still don’t get it? It’s you. Just you. You’re what makes it right.’

Aaron turned down the corners of his mouth.

‘If you say so.’

‘Just go and get your bath.’

 

Vic insisted on driving home.

‘You’ve had a couple of pints, and you know it’ll be more than your license at stake if you get caught, now Aaron’s up here, you can’t risk the business.’

‘Stop for a paper, then, babe.’ Adam had asked. He climbed back in the car with the Saturday rag tucked under his arm.

‘If you read that while I drive, you’ll get car sick.’ She commented, putting the car into gear and setting off again.

‘Won’t make any difference then, will it?’ He laughed, spreading the paper over his knees and smoothing it down. ‘Kidding, you know I love you.’

‘So why didn’t Aaron want Robert to see a paper?’ Vic asked suddenly, ’Did he say?’

‘Dunno, maybe just being overprotective. Keeping him away from the big bad world out there.’

Adam looked down, and then frowned.

‘Or maybe it was this?’

There was a headline, about a suspicious death in HM Prison Leeds. Something about a beating and a brain aneurism. Special Crime forces were investigating apparently.

‘Wonder if it was the same people responsible for beating up Robert.’

Adam frowned and looked out of the window.

‘Maybe.’

Vic glanced sideways at him.

‘Why? What are you thinking?’

‘Nothing, babe, nothing at all.’

‘You are. You don’t think, was Aaron involved? Was it revenge, for what they did to Robert?’

 

The water had already reached the overflow and the room was full of steam. He had to take the plug out, scalding his hand up his arm and past his wrist as he plunged it into the hot water, and then he turned the tap to cold, topping it up, until the temperature was bearable. Finally, he peeled himself out of his claggy jeans, and stripped off, climbing into the water. He put his head back and closed his eyes.

When the door opened, he sat up quickly, pulling up his knees. He shouldn’t be shy, but he was. The weeks in hospital, then the two weeks with Robert in the open prison, it had been a long time since he’d been naked with his husband.

‘Can I join you then?’ Robert asked.

‘Dunno. It’s a bit small.’ Aaron indicated the bath with his open hand.

‘I’ll squeeze in.’

He watched the surface of the water rocking gently as he breathed, while Robert peeled off his sweater and then his jeans in his peripheral vision. And then he was climbing in, the bath creaking on the wood floor, and the water level rising around them as Aaron pulled his knees up even closer to make room. Robert’s legs and feet knocked against him, his pale torso reflecting the bathroom light. Aaron could see the familiar scar from the gunshot wound on his chest, and a new surgical scar, still raised red collagen from the operation on his spleen below his rib cage. Robert’s knees were out of the water too. Aaron could feel his toes, nudging against his hips under the water, his own feet, likewise, squashed sideways next to Robert’s body.

They lay quietly for a while.Then Robert reached forward for Aaron’s shoulders, getting a grip with his fingers on Aaron’s damp skin, and pulled him towards him. Tilting his head, he kissed him, gently. Aaron closed his eyes, kissing him back.

They kissed for ages like that, softly, pulling at each other’s lips, tentatively exploring mouths with tongues, moving their faces to create new angles, new sensations. Aaron raised a hand to Robert’s neck, his hair damp at the edges from the bathwater. Sometimes they broke apart, just foreheads or noses touching, eyes half closed, only to lean in for more. Robert kissed the corners of Aaron’s mouth, and over his jaw and chin, then back to his open lips.

Finally, it was Robert who spoke, stroking his hands down Aaron’s arms.

‘Will you be alright here? Away from your family? Your Mum? It was a big thing you did, coming here, finding this place.’

‘You’re my husband. I want to be with you.’

‘I want that, too. I just, I don’t want to let you down. Some days are better than others.’

‘I know. But, we’ll just take each day as it comes, live in the moment.’

Robert nodded, and this time it was Aaron who moved his mouth forward, peppering Robert’s mouth with kisses, pulling on his lips again. He took Robert’s hand from where it was resting against his arm and steered it under the water, between his thighs.

‘I want ya.’ He whispered.

He heard Robert hum and looked down, seeing the evidence of Robert’s reciprocal feelings.

‘And I think you want me. As long as you’re well enough, I mean.’

Robert grinned.

‘Don’t worry. I’ve got a single room now, so I’ve had a few test drives.’ He wrinkled his nose. ‘And I think I can say, everything’s in working order.’

Aaron shook his head with a smile and raised his eyebrows.

‘Prove it.’ 

They stood, grabbing towels and went to the bedroom, lying down on the bed. When Robert entered inside him, Aaron held on tightly to his back, and closed his eyes. He didn’t need to think about the past, the future, yesterday, tomorrow, just this, the two of them, this sweetness, this amazing now.

He came noisily. He wanted Robert to know how good it was. Robert gasped, kissing his throat as he joined him.

After, they lay shoulder to shoulder, until Robert turned and looked at Aaron.

‘Did we burn the steak pie?’ He asked.

 

Robert opened his eyes in the dark and held his breath, listening to the thick silence of the night inside the cottage walls, keeping the sound of the North Sea shut out. Aaron was breathing light and fast against his neck, his chest flush to Robert’s back as they lay on their sides together, his legs tangled under Robert’s knees. He was hot, too hot, Robert noticed. His skin was searing, and he didn’t need to touch his arm where it rested over him to feel the heat emanating from him. He shifted gently round, realizing that his body was wet from Aaron’s sweltering skin. As he turned, Aaron drew a shuddering breath and rolled onto his back, opening his eyes so they reflected white and glittering in the dark room.

Robert leaned over him, gently touching his forehead.

‘Aaron, you’re cooking! What’s wrong?’

He heard his breathing change again, his teeth chattering.

His voice sounded hoarse in the dark.

‘Don’t know. I feel poorly.’

Robert fumbled quickly for the lamp, switching it on.

He searched his husband’s face, seeing the flush of fever spread over his throat.

‘Poorly how? Have you got a pain somewhere?’

Aaron smiled back at him weakly, squinting in the lamp light from the pillow, shaking his head. Robert could see tears leaking in the corner of his eyes. He ran a hand backwards through his hair, moving it down to hold his cheek.

‘No, I just feel really shit.’

‘I’ll call a doctor.’

‘No. Please don’t. Feels like flu or something.’

Robert nodded. He slipped out of bed and opened drawers, looking for pajamas, only to find them in an as yet unpacked suitcase on the bedroom floor.

‘Can you sit up?’

He held him as he moved slowly up, until he was resting forwards against his shoulder, and then pulled the long-sleeved cotton top over his head, raising each arm in turn into the sleeves, easing it down over his back and stomach, then he pulled back the cover from his legs, helping him into the pajama bottoms before covering him up again.

Aaron reached out a hand and placed it on Robert’s thigh as he sat on the edge of the bed beside him.

‘You’re bloody freezing. Put something on too, will ya?’

‘I will, in a minute.’ Robert answered.

‘This is nuts,’ Aaron complained, ‘I’m supposed to be looking after you.’

‘Shut up!’

He leaned over and kissed Aaron gently on the mouth, lingering for a moment against his lips, eyes closed tight.

‘You’ll catch it.’ Aaron warned weakly.

‘You’re joking, aren’t you? Bit late for that.’

Aaron smiled, but his eyes were closed. He raised his fingers to Robert’s face. Touching him, just taking it in that he was there with him, no matter how bad he might be feeling right now.

‘Please tell me there’s some aspirin or something in the place.’ Robert said.

Aaron nodded, not opening his eyes.

‘Kitchen.’ He said.

Robert stood. He’d seen his dressing gown in the suitcase, Aaron must have packed it, emptying the drawers at the cottage, when he was getting ready for the move. Now he pulled the loose velvet on over his cold skin.

‘You do realize this was you and the bloody sea?’ He said.

‘Well, you’ve got to paddle, haven’t you? That’s what the sea’s for.’ Aaron muttered, eyes still closed as he heard Robert move towards the door. Then, sensing that he was nearly gone, he turned his head and opened his eyes, looking at him, wanting to keep him in his sight now that he could, now that he’d got him here at last.

‘I love you, Robert.’

Robert held onto the open door.

‘Now I know you’re ill!’

 

Later he woke again, panicking when he realized that Aaron’s side of the bed was empty.

He got up quickly and found Aaron in the bathroom. The bath was still full of cold water since neither of them had remembered to pull the plug out. Aaron was holding on to the sink, head bowed, still flushed with fever, beads of sweat visible now on his brow, his knuckles white.

‘Aaron! Aaron! Why didn’t you wake me?’

Aaron’s face folded. He started sobbing, moving a hand to his stomach.

‘I’ve got a pain,’ he wept.

Robert’s face fell. Aaron knew he couldn’t bear it if Aaron was hurting, but he couldn’t hide it. The pain was too strong now, he wasn't sure if he could move.

‘Alright, alright, darlin, hold on! I’m calling an ambulance.’

He found Aaron’s phone by the bed, and rushing back to the bathroom, dialed quickly.

‘Aaron, can you walk back to the bedroom?’

‘I don’t know.’ Aaron sobbed. Robert could see him blowing out air through his lips.

He put an arm gently round his back, kissing his hair.

Then he called Chas.

 


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron spends time in hospital, he accepts the offer of help from a nurse. Robert is insecure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A strangely fluffy chapter for this work x

Aaron felt himself rising to consciousness. It was like that feeling of weightlessness he got after a powerful orgasm, when he was just breathing, everything peaceful and light. He could see Robert’s face out of focus as he opened his eyes, and heard him say his name, like an echo from far away. Then he was leaning closer, and there was a hand in his hair and the pressure of lips on his forehead, and after that, Robert receding out of sight into the blurry light of the room. Aaron was struggling to find his voice, to call after him. Then there was a rushing noise in his ears and pain and nausea, and he was awake.

‘How are you feeling, Aaron?’

His throat was aching. He tried to cough and the room seemed to shake around him. Looking up he could see someone, or two people, or was it one after all? The outline was weaving about, making it hard to tell.

‘A bit dizzy,’ he croaked.

The person leaned over him, and he caught the slight scent of lemon and sweat from the green material of the scrubs they were wearing. They started inserting a two-pronged oxygen tube into his nose, wrapping the tubing over his ears, with a plastic fastening under his chin. Aaron’s eyes were held by a gold stud earring, reflecting the light from LED tube on the ceiling.

‘Do you remember coming in?’

‘Not really.’

The nurse took Aaron’s hand and tapped the skin, then inserted a needle and attached a drip hanging from a metal stand on wheels. After, he clipped on a monitor over his finger.

‘You had an emergency appendectomy. The doctor will come in a while.’

The room started to spin faster, and the rush in his ears grew like the sound of the wind and waves on the beach. They’d been paddling. Now his feet were cold like ice. They were holding on in the water, Robert’s eyes glittering like the sea and sand.

He felt the undertow of the waves dragging him down.

He tried to call Robert’s name again.

 

‘There you are. You’re alright now, petal.’

Aaron opened his eyes, blinking at the nurse.

He was holding his wrist, looking at the green wavy line on the heart rate monitor, then he picked up a chart and wrote something down. He frowned kindly when he saw Aaron watching him.

‘Expect your wife will be here to see you soon.’

He pulled the blanket aside, checking the square packed gauze dressing and the drain in the wound on Aaron’s lower abdomen. The curtain was pulled around the hospital bed. 

‘Ain’t got one, mate,’ he answered groggily. It required an effort to make his voice come out at a normal volume.

‘But, we had to take your wedding ring off. I put it in the safe,’ the nurse said. ‘You haven’t forgotten, have you? Temporary amnesia, effect of the surgery?’ He grinned. He was making a joke. Aaron noticed he had nice eyes.

‘Husband. My husband,’ he explained.

‘Sorry, pal. I shouldn’t have assumed.’

‘It’s alright. Used to it.’

‘So, when is he coming to see you then?’

‘Really? I dunno. When he can, I suppose.’ He hesitated before adding, ‘He’s in prison.’

‘Right,’ he tutted. ‘..that must be tough on you both.’

He replaced the bed cover, and handed Aaron a button for pain relief. Then he opened the curtains around the bed with the noise of rolling beads.

 

Aaron woke again and turned his head.

‘Mum.’

‘I got here as fast as I could. Honestly! What are you like?’

She was holding his hand.

‘You can’t manage for twenty-four hours without getting yourself in some sort of trouble, can you?’

 

‘Where’s Robert?’

‘He had to go back, love. He waited till you came out of surgery, he was already late though.’

‘Was he alright?’

‘He wasn’t the one who had a burst appendix.’

‘Mum. Was he alright?’

‘Well, he was once you were out of theater and he knew you were okay. Can you just concentrate on yourself now for a change?’

Aaron rolled his eyes, looking away. As his body moved, pain radiated from his abdomen, as if they’d sewn him up with hot coals inside him. He grimaced. It was unexpected, and his eyes smarted in response.

‘Shall I call the nurse?’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Well, but you’re not, are you, and the doctor said you must have known, you must have been suffering for a while for it to get this bad.’

‘Just some stomachache. I thought it would go away.’

‘Why didn’t you tell us, then?’

Aaron knew the answer, of course he did. They both did. He’d kept quiet about it, a dull shifting pain that came and went in his gut, and the waves of nausea that came with it, too. It was at night, lying alone, that his body would make its presence really felt, and he would grit his teeth, determined not to pay attention, not to let anything get in the way of his move to Northumberland to be with his husband.

He and Adam had agreed that he would open a new branch of the scrapyard up here, so they’d found a piece of land attached to a farm, licensed for business, and rented it, then done all the paperwork, finally investing in a second hand portacabin as an office and hiring some tools and equipment.

Aaron had hoped that when they let Robert start working in the community on day release, he could employ him. That way, with home visits at the weekends, they’d be together almost as much as if his time was done.

‘I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?’

The nurse suggested that Chas left him to rest for a while.

‘I’ll go to the cottage, then,’ she said. ‘Probably stay there tonight and then we’ll see.’

‘It’s a bit of a mess,’ he apologized.

His mind drifted, the state of the sheets, spent condoms on the rug by the bed, the bath still full of cold water and the half burnt, half eaten steak pies in the kitchen.

‘Why doesn’t that surprise me?’

 

He knew he was there, like a channel changing to high-definition when he opened his eyes. He tried to shift up in bed, blinking, looking from under lowered eyelids. He knew it would never stop, this feeling.

‘Keep still!’ Robert frowned, standing, looking down at him.

‘You came! How?’

‘I got released on a temporary license.’  He looked around the ward. ‘You’ve got to compete, haven’t you? Just because I had a few weeks in hospital? Thought you’d have had enough of them by now.’

He shoved his fingers into the pockets of his jeans, his eyes searching Aaron’s face, lips pressed tightly together.

‘Sorry,’ Aaron muttered.

‘I thought I was going to lose you in the ambulance! You must have known you were ill, why didn’t you say something before?’ His jaw clenched.

‘Yeah? Well now you know how I feel!’ Aaron snapped back. ‘And why’s it always about you?’

He watched Robert as he sat down heavily, his eyes still flitting about the ward. He turned back to Aaron.

‘So, what did the doctor say?’

‘Nothing really. I had a burst appendix, so they took it out, then they washed my gut with saline water. That’s about all I know. I’m on antibiotics from the drip.’

He raised his hand to illustrate, then lowered it slowly, breathing through the pain again, trying to put a brave face on it so that Robert wouldn’t notice.

Robert’s eyes found what he'd been looking for.

‘You!’ He called abruptly to the nurse who had looked after Aaron earlier. ‘I want to speak to a doctor.’

The nurse came over and smiled politely.

‘She’ll be round soon.’

Robert stood up again.

‘You don’t get it, mate. I want to speak to a doctor now about my husband.’ He spoke through his teeth.

Aaron’s chest heaved, and the pain escalated again. He couldn’t do with one of Robert’s tantrums right now. He could see the signs, the tremor in Robert’s hand still not completely recovered from his drugs withdrawal.

‘Robert, sit down, will ya! Let people do their jobs, yeah?’

The nurse was looking at Robert’s face.

‘I’ll see if I can get her,’ he said kindly.

Then, for the first time, Robert leaned over and kissed Aaron’s cheek, and then his mouth. And Aaron closed his eyes and breathed him in, knowing he was more vital to him than the oxygen being fed in through the tubes in his face, than any air supply.

 

 

Chas arrived back at the same time as the doctor appeared.

‘How’s our patient doing?’

The doctor went over the details of Aaron’s surgery, that because the appendix had burst, they hadn’t been able to do a laparoscopic procedure, but had had to do open surgery with a four-inch incision on the right-hand side of his belly. When they asked about recovery time, she told them he would probably need a couple of weeks of bed rest, and then it would be six to eight weeks before he was fit for work, especially physical work. But she explained they would have him up and walking the next day, and the day after he would probably be sent home from hospital.

‘You’ll need someone there to care for you, perhaps your husband can take some time off work?’

She smiled at Robert.

When she’d gone, it was Chas who spoke.

‘Yeah, Robert, why don’t you take some time off work?’ She gave a saccharine smile.

Robert folded his arms and looked at Aaron.

‘You’ll have to go back with your Mum.’

‘No. I’m not leaving you.’

‘Just a couple of weeks.’

‘I can’t. I’m not leaving you now.’

‘There’s no one to look after you here, love,’ Chas added, ‘Come home.’

‘Robert will look after me at the weekend.’

‘It’s not enough!’ Robert said, ‘Your Mum’s right. And I need to know that you’re safe.’

The nurse, who’d stayed with them after the doctor had walked away, spoke up.

‘We could try and find a community care worker, if you think that might help?’

‘Could we do that?’ Aaron said.

The nurse smiled at him then.

‘I’ll see what I can do.’

 

When Aaron woke up, the sky was dark outside and the ward was quiet. He looked across at Robert, sleeping on the chair next to the bed, a blanket wrapped over him. He knew he would need to go back to the prison soon, so for now he watched his face. He was feeling worse, the soreness from the surgery intensifying as the evening drew on, and his stomach felt bloated and uncomfortable and all afternoon he’d wanted to pee, but he couldn’t, his muscles not responding each time the nurse brought him a bed urinal.

Now it was unbearably urgent and finally he started to cry.

It was the nurse who noticed, asking in a whisper what was up. He returned quickly with a catheter.

When he pulled the curtain round them, Robert stirred, his face confused with sleep.

Aaron looked up at the ceiling as the nurse inserted the catheter tube with the drainage bag attached.

‘You’ll feel better once that’s drained. If I need to, I’ll change the bag again when it’s full.’

When he’d gone, Robert sat on the bed, watching Aaron blush.

He bent and kissed him.

‘I hate this.’ Aaron said.

‘Yeah? Well now you know how I felt every time.’ 

Before he left he asked the nurse for Aaron’s ring, and slipped it back on his husband’s finger. Aaron watched his eyes.

‘Get your Mum to call me tomorrow, OK?’

Aaron nodded and watched him walk away.

The nurse came with a couple of painkillers and some water.

‘He’s a proper Bobby Dazzler your husband, isn’t he?’ He winked.

And Aaron fought down a smile.

‘Suppose,’ he murmured and then lay back on his pillow. ‘Yeah, he is.’

 

It was the Wednesday morning when Aaron was taken back to the cottage in the back of an ambulance with his Mum, the nurse and a prescription of antibiotics and Vicodin. His Mum was reluctantly travelling back to Emmerdale after lunch. It had turned out that the nurse, Adrian, lived three doors down on the same street.

‘So look, man,’ he’d said, ‘I’ll find you a day care worker, and since I’m on the day shift, I can stay over at nights until you’re well enough to manage by yourself.’

‘I can’t believe you’d do that, love,’ Chas had said. ‘We’ll pay you, of course.’

 

‘There’s a gay nurse asleep on your sofa.’

Aaron had known the moment Robert had arrived in the cottage on Friday night. The energy of the house transformed into something new the minute he opened the front door with the keys that Aaron had given him.

‘Probably because he’s looking after your gay husband,’ he shot back. ‘And it’s _our_ sofa, not _my_ sofa.’

He strode into the bedroom, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket over jeans, blonde hair long over his collar now the open prison wasn’t enforcing the short back and sides prison cut. He was like a hormone cocktail. Aaron considered whether he should carry a health warning. Even more so for appendectomy convalescents.

‘I don’t like him being here.’

‘Tough!’

Aaron pushed his chin out.

He watched Robert’s lip curl over his teeth. He could see him hovering between holding out for bad behavior, or giving in.

‘I’ve been out of my head worrying about you!’

‘I’m fine.’ Aaron blinked, shaking his head.

And then Robert’s hand was on the headboard behind him and he was leaning over him, his scent, his skin and his mouth were close, and they were kissing, eyes closed.

When they pulled apart, Robert pouted some more.

‘He can go now I’m here.’

‘I know. He will.’ 

 

When they turned,  Adrian was at the door, a hand on the door jamb.

‘Right then, quick medical check, and then I’ll be off.’

Aaron could see Robert’s jaw flex. He scratched at an eyelid.

‘Get a beer, Robert. There’s some in the fridge.’ 

Robert hesitated for a moment, and then nodded and left the room. When he’d gone, Aaron spoke.

‘I need you to do me a favor. The painkillers, the Vicodin; just take it will you?’

‘Why?’

It felt like a betrayal, but he had to keep his husband safe. And Adrian was a nurse, he would understand. Aaron felt like he was letting Robert down, even so. He should trust him, he knew he should, but he wasn’t prepared yet to take any risks, the stakes were too high.

‘It’s Robert, he’s recovering, from an addiction. I just, it's just a precaution, yeah? Maybe, if you leave me with enough for the weekend? Put them in something, I don’t know, an aspirin box, maybe?’

 

 

When Robert came up with his bottle of beer, Adrian was finishing off redressing Aaron’s surgical wound, pulling off his sterile gloves, one finger at a time.

‘So, you’re all set. I’ll see you on Monday, but if you need me before then, call me, Aaron, you know I’m close by.’

He turned to Robert. ‘Bye, now.’ He added with smile and a pat on his arm.

Robert watched him as he left through the bedroom door, and they listened as he descended the stairs and then left eventually, exiting the cottage onto the street with the rattle of a letter box and the door closing firmly in his wake.

Now it was just the two of them. Aaron noticed Robert was avoiding his eyes. He put the beer bottle down on the bedside table, but remained standing, then he wet his lips. Aaron could see from his expression that this wasn’t about to go away.

‘Very cozy,’ His voice was low and gravelly. Aaron knew him too well, he knew he was worked up, but he was being ridiculous.

‘He’s a nurse. You can’t be jealous? Seriously? So, What? You don’t trust me?’

But he knew, even though it was a year ago, now, that they couldn’t get past it somehow. Aaron wondered if they ever would, and if they couldn’t, if it was going to eventually destroy them.

‘You lie to me.’ Robert whined.

‘I lied once! Once! So let’s talk about it. You mean Liam.’

He saw Robert flinch.

‘You can say his name, too, Robert. It’s not voodoo, he doesn’t have any power over us. I made a stupid mistake.’

‘It wasn’t your fault what happened.’

‘You keep saying that, but you still blame me, underneath, that’s what this is all about.'


End file.
